I really fucking hate my life right now.
First there was the fuckery with my credit card. Still not resolved and it’s been a week. Tried to call today but forgot about the time zone problem (they are in Eastern, and I am in Pacific) so their lines had already closed.
Ain’t that a peach.
Then there was my recent health scare and the fact that life is even harder for me now. But I can’t do anything about that until Monday the fucking 14th because my GP, Doctor Chao, is on fucking vacation and nobody uses a goddamned locum any more.
Then today, I stuck my head into the bear trap of life’s fuckery by buying and downloading the hotter than the heart of the sun new game,. Baldur’s Gate 3.
The game’s long-awaited release has been met with universal and massive acclaim. It has a mind blogging 97 percent on Metacritic and a 93 percent from Metacritic’s users. All the furries I know have it and are playing it and loving the bejesus out of it.
So, not being made of stone, I decided to get the dang thing. I cashed in the $60 from my Steam wallet and added $25 from current funds and paid full price for a new game for the first time in a long time and downloaded all 100 gigs of it and got ready to play.
But of course, you can’t play shit these days without having an account with someone, either the devs or the publisher or whatever corporate leviathan in whose belly they swim around in.
Luckily, I already had an account with Larian, the makers of the game, from playing their previous games. Unfortunately, I had lost my password, and so before I could play my very expensive game, I had to do the whole “Forgot your password?” thing.
That accomplished, I loaded up the game, a-tingle with anticipation of getting to play the new hotness while it was still hot for a change.
And it fucking crashed my computer. That all too familiar crash I was getting with Pathfinder : Wrath of the Righteous, where the screen goes back because the computer and the monitor just aren’t communicating any more.
And that is where I am stuck now. I even reinstalled my video driver and it didn’t help. At some random moment not long after I start playing, the screen goes black, a couple secs later there is a beep, and then five seconds later, I get the “no input” screen from my expensive monitor.
Oh, and while trying to deal with THAT, I knocked my can of beverage over onto my keyboard. Son of a bitch.
Now, they are still working out the bugs on the initial release of Baldur’s Gate 3, so the next hotfix might fix my issue.
Or what the hell, someone out there might know what to do. This might be the one time in my life I have a computer problem people have heard of.
But right now, I am very much in a “burn the world” AAAAARGH kind of mood.
More after the break.
Staying out of circulation
Just got back from gathering foodstuffs in the kitchen.
And it was not an easy trip.
None of them are, but this one was particularly bad. Had to cling the kitchen counter and hold on for dear life when I arrived at the kitchen due to dizziness. Then felt like I was in a prop plane going through heavy turbulence and dodging flak.
By the time I got back to the computer, sitting down felt like being washed ashore. Then once I was seated it kind of felt like my blood hadn’t come to a full stop yet and I got this weird feeling like the tops of my forearms were in a light but steady wind.
That was probably partially the fan I have on. But the fan never felt like this before.
All in all, it was a most unpleasant voyage, and my problems definitely felt (and feel) circulatory in nature. I think my blood pressure is low because the Jardiance is working and lower blood sugar means low blood pressure and that means I don’t need to be on all these blood pressure medications. They are bringing my BP too low.
Guess I will have to bring that up with Doctor Chao when he comes back from vacation.
I will do my part by trying to remember to rise and sit a little more slowly. I have a habit of doing things abruptly and that can make this problem worse.
But there is not a whole lot I can do. Muscles as weak as mine do not allow for moving my weight slowly. That takes muscle tone I ain’t got.
I’m just glad I can still get around at all. I dread the day when I can’t get my own food from the kitchen and can’t get to and from the toilet on my own.
At that point, I would have to get home help. If not a nurse, then a professional assistant in some form. My needs would far exceed anything I could ask of Julian and he is the only person who is around to do things for me.
I already feel bad about prevailing upon him as much as I do. I hate being a burden on people. I guess, deep down, that I am always worried that people will find me to be more trouble than I am worth and abandon me.
I mean, I can only fool people into forgetting how horrible I am for so long, right?
At least that’s how it feels. But I know those feelings are crazy. I know they are as delusional as the hallucinations of a psychotic but harder to dismiss.
I feel like I am always doing this dance where I feel something crazy, recognize its insanity, and try to process this truth but only get part way through before the old reality reasserts itself and I feel crazy again.
But along the way, I make progress. I push back the wall of insanity clouding my mind a little bit at a time, and while progress may be incremental, it is permanent.
I never, ever go backwards.
So little by little, bit by bit, I beat back the tide and reclaim a little bit of dry land for myself and all I wish to do.
Can’t give you an ETA. It doesn’t work like that. I can’t even see the mainland from here.
But I know I will make landfall some day.
And that will have to do for now.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.