I’ve almost always felt helpless.
But I’ve never been helpless.
Or have I?
Hope you brought your Dramamine because I am bound to go in circles on this one.
It’s true that I felt helpless even as a child. Moreso than other children, that is. All children are pretty helpless.
But not all of them feel that way.
Because I had no warm feeling of being loved and protected to make me feel safe. I had been thrown to the wolves by my family when I reached school age. This was after having been raped when I was four, although of course my family didn’t know.
I barely knew myself. That’s how hard I suppressed it all.
So from the day the bullying started, I knew I was alone. A few times I tried to tell my parents about the bullying but they shut me down before I could get the words out.
Like they had some kind of sixth sense for when I was going to remind them they had a fourth child who had the occasional need.
And when you don’t feel like you can ever ask for anything, and the school won’t do a thing to keep you from being routinely brutalized, you feel helpless alright.
So I withdrew deeper and deeper in order to protect myself from a harsh and cruel world. One where I was all alone and friendless and lonely as hell. Where my fellow students tormented me and the teachers either didn’t care or tacitly approved.
A world where everybody treated me like low grade shit and nobody ever made me feel like I was anything but a burden…. and a disgusting one at that.
Then there were two golden years at UPEI, where I had a group of friends who made me feel included and valued and funny and warm.
Clearly, that had to die. So my parents killed it.
And there I was, back in the same house, in the same bedroom, with the same family as before. Only with even less power because I didn’t even get an allowance any more so I was always broke.
My parents wanted to incentivize me to get a job, ya see.
But the crushing depression that came from having my life destroyed prevented that. Then I became truly helpless when I lost my freaking mind for a while.
Clawed my way back from that to how I am now. Been that way ever since.
And I have all this power at my fingertips. Intelligence, talent, charisma, personality, and the vast powers of the internet are right here waiting for me to use them.
But I am too far withdrawn from the world to do anything with them. In order to make my way in the world I would need to engage and I am too scared to do that.
The voice in my head that tells me that my only safety is in going undetected is still way too strong in me.
Obscurity is safety, exposure means death, it sings.
And I know it’s wrong. My hiding place is killing me. I’m not safe at all.
And I know I deserve better. Much, much better.
I should be living like a god damned king.
But I am too fucked up inside.
Time to find my source.
More after the break.
My kind of guy
I’ve discovered the YouTube channel of a fella named Joey Engelman, and I am loving all of his stuff.
Because he does these very entertaining and informative listicles about pop culture topics, including some long form ones in the popular “icberg” format, where the deeper you go, the less well known the cases are.
Thus automatically taking you deeper into the topic as you read from top to bottom.
Here’s one about TV shows canceled after one episode :
And it shows why I love this guy, because his stuff combines two things I love : pop culture trivia, and not doing research.
He does the research for me! Perfect.
I’m an artist! Kinda.
Well, technically, I’m a “director”.
But my point is that art I made (with the help of AI) Is now on public display under the username “Twinklespark” over at e6ai.net.
That’s the AI generated art spinoff of furry porn Mecca e621.net and I have set up an account there so I can post the pics I make and pretend to be an artist.
Because I have the soul of an artist, but the fingers of a T-rex in mittens.
By now you’re probably thinking, “Twinklespark? Not Fruvous? WTF?”.
I had decided I wanted a separate “artist” identity. And when I went to sign up for e6ai.net, for some reason the username auto-filled as Twinklespark.
And that was so unexpected and magical and charming that I had to go with it.
Due to my cautious nature, I am testing the waters slowly. The first three pics I posted were completely chaste and wholesome.
You already know this happy couple :
But please, check out the version on my account. I gave them a backstory!
And then there’s this bit of wholesome affection :
Yes, that’s Robin Hood and Little John from Disney’s Robin Hood having a bit of a cuddle somewhere near Sherwood Forest.
Here’s the proper musical accompaniment :
And finally, there’s this devilishly handsome fellow :
Yup, that’s my first attempt at depicting my lil ol fursona, Fruvous.
Fun fact : I have been roleplaying as him on a daily basis for almost 30 years.
Unfun fact : That means I’m really fucking old.
That said, it’s a pretty good likeness. It doesn’t really capture his zany, goofy, cute n’ cuddly personality, but it gets the basics down perfectly.
Trivia : He’s in a blue terrycloth bathrobe because he’s an escaped mental patient!
It also makes him look way too dashing and suave. Fruvous is way too silly and floofy to be able to look that cool.
But at least now the world can see him.
One last pic, a perverted one, just so you don’t think I’ve gone soft :
He’s such a cutie! And look, he’s blushing.
I didn’t ask for that. It just… showed up.
And it just makes me love him even more.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.