Decided to check out Amazon today in case the RAM I want was on some crazy kinda sale due to this being (eyeroll and SIGH) Black Friday.

But no. No it is not.

Fair enough. It’s only gonna be $60 plus taxes etc. anyhow. Then I will have to either put the stuff into Mister Computer here myself, or wimp out and get spuug to do it.

If you’re reading this, spuug, stand by. 😛 Love you! *hug!*

I should be able to afford it once next Deposit Day (Cheque Day’s hip younger brother), which is next Wednesday, rolls around.

And hopefully, after that will come a new CPU, and then maybe an SSD (an HD’s hip older brother), and after that all I will have to replace is the motherboad and case and my computer’s Ship of Theseus transformation will be complete.

Although from what my pal Maelkoth says, motherboards have changed very little over the years, and they don’t make much difference to performance, so the main reasons to replace it would be philosophical.

I mean, is it even the same computer any more? Class, what do you think? Paws up!

Anyhow, a new CPU will run me at least $200, and ironically, I might need to buy a new motherboard because new CPUs won’t fit in my now 7 year old motherboard.

And what the hell, might as well get a new case too, as my current one is a bitch to work in and I am due for a new look anyhow.

Maybe get something in smooth white plastic for that late 60’s, early 70’s science fiction look of which I have become so fond.

Going to have to do some nontrivial saving up first.

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Today was busy for me as I had to go get a bunch of labwork done.

Had to go to the LifeLabs near 3 road and Ackroyd. Man I hate that place. It’s very cold and clinical in atmosphere and there is always a long wait.

Of course, if I was more on the ball, I could have made an appointment beforehand and skipped the wait. But apparently I still think of medical labs as little places where you hand them a form and then pee in a cup, with very little waiting.

Even though I know better.

While waiting, I had time to ponder my long history of lack of forethought, planning, and preparation, and what was up with that.

I know it has something to do with spontaneity, and something to do with my weird way of dealing with impulse and drive, and something to do with my motivation deficit.

I deeply intuit that all those factors have some central pivot around which they all turn, and when I figure out what that is, I will have my answer.

After the lab, and a brief stop so Julian could get a snack, we were off to Wound Care, which went smoothly as usual.

One weird thing : the lab tech told me that one of the tests Doctor Madhani assigned is not one done by LifeLabs.

Apparently I would have to go to a hospital lab to get it done.

I don’t know if that’s even a thing. I will have to call the folks at Richmond Hospital and see what the procedure would be, if any, for my bringing in testing from an outside doc.

Apparently its some sort of test for autoimmune conditions.

Well I have been saying I think I might have one for a long time now, so… good!

Still, weird of Doctor Madhani to hand me something like that. Maybe she explained something about it and I just didn’t understand.

They always dump so much information on me at the end of a visit and as a certain linguistics class taught me, I can’t take in information as fast as I could.

Maybe I need to swallow both my pride and my shyness and ask them to slow the fuck down and put it all in writing.

More after the break.

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Further on not preparing

It’s not just a matter of being absentminded, though that’s usually what I blame it on.

No, something in me actively resists planning ahead. Like that would be too much of a commitment for it.

Maybe that’s the answer right there. I know that my mind optimizes towards keeping my options open in order to maximize my ability to shapeshift in response to situations.

If I plan ahead, I prepare for one set of circumstances. But if I stay loose and ready, without commitment, I can be ready for anything.

Or so the thinking goes.

The logical part of me knows that such thinking is narrow of scope and not based in anything other than a deep seated and overwhelming fear of being trapped.

I’m the fox who is always looking for an alternate exit from any situation.

I can always escape anything. It’s staying in the game and fighting that’s hard.

I guess that’s what makes me so Avoidant. Although what I have been reading about Avoidant Personality Disorder lately has made me doubt my self-diagnosis.

Like with autism, I have some of the indicators but not enough for a diagnosis.

It’s a very tricky thing to get a handle on, though, because a lot of the questions have hidden assumptions built in to them.

Like if they ask whether I avoid social situations, my truthful answer is no, because I don’t have any coming my way to avoid.

See what I mean? I’m not dodging because they’re not firing.

I do have an enormous amount of anxiety about meeting new people and entering into situations where I don’t know anybody and I have to “improvise dialogue”, as it were.

But I have been making some progress. I have dismantled and/or disarmed a great deal of the negative delusions about myself that fueled by social anxiety, and I now believe I stand at least a decent chance of getting on with new “normal” people as long as I can remember to keep things at their level.

Which means getting over my fear of being boring.

Sometimes dull small talk is exactly what the situation calls for.

Now if I could only learn to radiate intelligence a tad less…

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.