Got some things I need to tell my deeper self.
Hey there kid. Listen….
You never did anything wrong to make the people around you stop loving you like they once did. You were a very good kid who would have done anything your parents or siblings asked of you.
They just didn’t ask for much.
You were always a sweet, bright, loving kid that any parent would be glad to have around. Always cheerful and funny and silly and kind and warm.
The fact that you got ignored and made to feel like you literally deserved nothing ever, not even existence, was not your fault at all.
How could it be? You were just a little kid doing the best he could.
And absolutely nothing you did or even could have done would have justified the way your family and your teachers treated you.
You didn’t deserve it, kid. You did nothing wrong, and there is nothing wrong with you either. You’re not useless, or gross, or wrong, or broken.
Above all, you are not disposable.
You deserved all the love and care and value that any other kid got. That every child should get from their parents and their siblings and their teachers and their schools.
Yes, you were a strange child. But weird kids need love too.
You were a wonderful kid, and the fact that those closest to you could not see that means there was something wrong with them, not you.
You tried so hard to do what was expected of you.
You even tried to disappear, like everyone wanted you to.
And you deserved so much better. You still do.
That’s the good news. The bad news is that there is no way to “fix” what was done to you, now or then. Certainly, as you well know, no amount of being the best kid you knew how to be and passively waiting for someone to love you was ever going to work.
The silver lining of that, though, is that you can finally stop waiting. You are free to finally go out into the world and try to live some kind of life without worrying that you have to be “ready” when the random boon of kindness and attention comes your way.
You can stop trying to be the best fox ever and try instead to be a happy one.
Know that you are worthy and worthwhile and valuable and good. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You have every right to live and thrive and take up space and resources and do and get everything that everyone else gets.
You don’t always have to be on the outside looking in. You can go right inside where it is warm and safe and be welcome. People want you to be there. They want to include you. They want someone as delightful as you in their lives.
And they will be lucky to have you.
So go on in. Take a seat at the dinner table. And dig in.
You won’t be missing anything.
More after the break.
A little rain
Feeling rather depressed at the moment.
Hardly surprising. I’ve been doing a hell of a lot of emotional heavy lifting lately and that is bound to leave a person rather drained and empty feeling.
Honestly, I think I am just tired. I’ve been sleeping okay lately but that doesn’t mean that I am not in sleep debt of some sort.
My world is so isolated from the natural flow of life that my circadian rhythms are syncopated rather erratically. I never know exactly where I stand in terms of sleep.
I might feel bright and energetic one minute and ready for the coma ward the next.
It would be different if I had a job or school or something else with regular hours. I could adapt to something like that no problem and then I would have a regular time for things like eating and sleeping.
Instead, I just nap a lot. And I know that is not a healthy sleep pattern. And I am trying to break myself of it, but it’s not as simple as it sounds.
There’s that whole “using sleep to reset my background anxiety level to zero” thing.
And use sleep to hide from reality and fast forward through life anyhow. The hours I am asleep are hours I don’t have to fill with video games and other inanities.
All of which are beginning to just…. not do it for me any more.
I need more. I need purpose and focus. I need something to strive towards. I need something that takes me out of this invalid lifestyle and into a bigger, brighter, better world where I can learn and earn and connect with the human race.
I have been frozen in place for so long. Waiting for someone to love me, I guess. Tryinf hard, in my own way, to be the best darn fox I can be.
But there is no point in that. Nobody is watching and nobody cares. There is zero chance someone is going to come along and see how “good” I have been, or how sad, and rescue me from myself.
The only one who can do that for me is me. And I am busy trying to get sane.
Or at least switch to a happier form of crazy. This long, dragged out, depressing doldrums of a life might keep me distracted and “busy” but it does not make me happy or even relatively content.
There is a big difference between being happy and just not noticing how sad you are.
At least I make images now. That is one tiny tiny step toward greater productivity. Granted, most of the pics are not exactly the kind of thing one shares with the world (at least, not without bulletproof anonymity), but plenty of them are completely innocuous and most of those are, in fact, rather sweet.
I mean, look at these three pups.
That’s a pretty good Xmas card right there.
I really am a big ol marshmallow at heart, ain’t I?
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.