A comment I wrote on this Youtube video.
You lost me at “an unbroken line that goes all the way back to Krishna himself. ” That’s not something I am capable of believing. Everything after that troubled me. I accept no spiritual authority above my own. I dislike hierarchy intensely as a result. What you say to me is either right or wrong and I will be the judge of that. I don’t claim that this is the “right” way to be. I recognize that my attitude is very limiting in many ways. But it’s who I am. I don’t believe in the supernatural at all. Magic isn’t real, there is nothing beyond the material realm, things either exist, and are therefore bound by all the laws of nature and science, or they do not exist and are mere phantoms of the mind, or lies we choose to believe because they make us feel better. There is no third category of things which exist but ignore some of the laws of science in a hazy, undefined way so that we can believe in things that do not make sense and cannot exist. Maybe I would be happier if I could delude myself into believing things not in evidence. But I will never know. This is my path. And I walk it alone.
I was with the monk guy up until that point. I could see the benefit of a simple lifestyle made of basic human ingredients like service, camaraderie, good meals, and so on.
I bumped on him being a Hare Krishna because I knew their reputation as being an annoying cult back in the 1970’s. They always seemed a tad suspect to me. But then I learned more about how religion works in places like India, and I figured, well they seem weird here but in other places it’s all perfectly normal, so whatever.
And I bumped on the whole “reciting their mantra for two hours a day” thing. Like, what the everlasting fuck is up with that? That seems unnecessarily extreme to me. In fact, it reminds me of the deliberately mind-numbing practices of other cults.
Whatever dogma they use to justify it, the real reason they enforce such behaviour is to keep their people from thinking critically.
But it wasn’t until the mystic hierarchical bullshit started flowing that he lost me completely. Bull SHIT these motherfuckers trace their lineage all the way back to God (Krishna). Anyone who expects you to believe such a load of unprocessed cow poo is not to be trusted in the slightest.
But clearly that triggered something in me, because what came out of me was an entire declaration of my rationalist materialist POV.
And I tried at first to be even-handed and respectful about it all, but my passions burn too hot for that. At least I did not accuse their leaders of anything directly.
Patient readers know that I have serious doubts about whether the severe rationalism I expressed in my comment is actually good for me.
It could very well be that my dedication to the absolute provable, logical, evidence based Truth of the world, no matter how “right” it might be, is actually a major component of my depression because it cuts off my ability to create solutions to my emotional needs with my imagination.
You know. All that “power of imagination” crap they fed us in the 70’s.
Makes me nauseous just thinking about it, to be honest.
But there may have been some truth in all that nonsense. Maybe it really does make sense to believe in magic in one form or another because it gives you the ability to see beyond what the world gives you and dream up whatever you need when the real world is not meeting your needs at all.
Not sure what to do with that info, though. It is far, far too late for me to start believing in magic now. I know it isn’t there.
So I will have to find some sort of compromise between the rational and the mystical. Something that allows the mind to balance its emotions and maintain a lower limit to how low mood can go without having to rip a hole in one’s reason to do so.
Sounds impossible, I know.
But if I can pull it off, I will birth an entire new era of consciousness.
And there’s got to be some money in that.
More after the break.
The rainbow connection
Maybe some day I’ll find it, Kermit. But I doubt it.
The furthest I have gotten so far is to give myself open permission to ignore “the rules” if they aren’t working for me.
After all, I am a hardcore pragmatist and that means if it doesn’t work, it’s got to go. And so far my harsh materialism has not worked for me.
If anything, it’s made me even less functional.
And this “fuck the rules” attitude was a great start and helped unbind a great deal of compacted emotional from my ever constipated emotional core.
But that’s just step one, and I do not know what step two could be, let alone the rest.
And I know that’s the wrong question, in a way. I know that I am still trying to find answers by waving my giant klieg light of a brain around when the answers I seek can only be found in the dark and dank undergrowth of my unconscious mind.
That said, it’s no small task, either intellectually or spiritually, to develop an entirely different way of looking at the world. I have (over) developed my fiercely analytical mind to such an advanced degree that quite frankly I am terrified of it.
And I now know why. It’s not good for me.
It’s not good TO me either.
In many ways, it’s my internalized bully. The dark, diseased, depressed part of my mind uses its subroutines to torment me and tear me down. This engine of mine is the primary thing my mental illness has corrupted into becoming my overactive and thoroughly corrupted superego.
It’s like my ego is the evil prosecutor and the superego is the corrupt judge and the two collude to persecute me and my sad little id.
But I’ve got my id on supplements now and it’s getting stronger. And it has carte blanche to smack the crap out of the ego and superego if they get out of line.
Because nothing is more important than my happiness, and that goes double for my evil “justice” system and all its god damned rules.
Fuck your lawful evil bullshit. I’m gonna bust you up chaotic good style.
Because you know what? I’m fucking amazing. I am an astoundingly talented, intelligent, creative, and above all humble individual and I am through with letting you fools tell me otherwise.
I know that if I get myself out there where people can see me, I can wow people with my brilliance and seduce them with my eloquence and at the very least get some fans.
And who knows, maybe even money.
So fuck you, you bastard of a barrister, and fuck you twice as hard, your “Honor”. I am going to find a way to be happy despite you.
Heck TO spite you, you evil fucks.
And there’s nothing you can do to stop me.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.
557/1114