Let’s talk about my rage.
I have a lot of it.
And I really don’t want to talk about it. I prefer to pretend it doesn’t exist and that I am one hundred percent the cute, cheerful, brain, friendly fuzzball everyone knows me as.
But that’s not normal. Normal people get angry at each other sometimes. Normal people have a temper. Normal people can use their anger to protect themselves when needed.
And normal people definitely don’t suppress absolutely every emotion that does not fit with the happy go lucky image their project to the world.
Normal people can just relax and be themselves, and let the chips fall where they may. They are not possessed by a deep and corrosive self-consciousness that monitors and judges and controls everything that they do in a very misguided attempt to control outcomes and keep me from embarrassing myself or worse, being out of control
Because heaven forbid that my every single move not be the product of carefully reasoned choices that were very thoroughly checked for booby traps and pitfalls before being approved by the safety committee in my head.
The same committee that will excoriate me completely after the fact if I should ever make a move it didn’t approve of in the heat of the moment.
Jesus, no wonder I find it so hard to do anything and end up doing very little that is even remotely new to me. What impulse can possibly survive such a winnowing? How could anyone meet such a brutally unfair standard? How could anything human make it through such an inhuman labyrinth?
Clearly, that shit’s got to stop. I need to ease way the fuck off myself so I can breathe and live and be a free and valid human being.
But back to the rage. (Damn it, I threadjacked myself again. )
I have a great supply of latent rage due to hardly ever expressing it at all. That combined with all the suppressed pain from my very lonely and isolated childhood and the primary trauma of being raped as a toddler leads to my carrying a raging firestorm of impotent anger around while pretending to the world and myself that it’s not there.
And that’s bad. Very, very bad.
For one thing, it costs a lot of internal resources just to keep that firestorm contained. It also means that a great deal of my personal energy is locked away where I can’t use it as part of that containment procedure.
If I could release that raging wildfire and survive the consequences, when the smoke cleared I would be a much calmer, stronger, happier person.
But first, I would have to stop being so god damned afraid of my rage. I would have to stop listening to the evil and corrupt voice in my head that tells me to never ever so much as touch all that raging hellfire because if I do, I and my sanity will be consumed by the flame and I will become some kind of murderous lunatic who will end up shot to death by the police after going on a long and bloody killing spree.
That might feel like it could happen. But it can’t. That’s just another of my depression’s long, long list of distortions, distractions, and outright lies.
Sure, I might go a little crazy for a little while. I might become mighty irritable as I struggle to find a new equilibrium, one that INCLUDES anger but is not dominated by it. I might have to go through an “angry young (sic) man” phase.
But that’s a far cry from going on a murderous rampage.
And it behooves me to remember that.
More after the break.
Very good news
Not only have I finally ordered my dream CPU, but it ended up costing a lot less than I thought it would!
I know what my “mistake” was. When I went to the Amazon USA website and looked up the CPU I wanted, I naturally assumed that the price listed was in American dollars.
But it wasn’t! It was in Canadian dollars! Meaning, when doing my calculations as to how much all this was gonna cost me, I converted the price into Canadian money when it had already been done.
The result? When I went to order the CPU today, it was a bit over $100 less than I thought it was going to be!
I wish all my mistakes turned out that good.
Now I could ask Joe for a refund. But I don’t think I Will. I think I will get the motherboard, cooler, and case I need with the overflow instead.
Then the only thing left of my old PC will be the hard drive, and what the hell, maybe I will get a new one of those one day too.
Then the Ship of Theseus transformation of my computer will be complete!
Well except that I would probably keep the old HD around for the storage space. And there is no point in replacing the mouse or WiFi or Bluetooth dongly bits.
Heck, the new motherboard probably comes with Bluetooth and Wifi built in!
Needless to say, this has put me in quite a good mood. I am going to get my snazzy new computer and I won’t even have to be all that financially strained by it all.
UPDATE : I have now ordered the CPU cooler and motherboard my fuzzy friends recommended to go with the CPU, and I still have $95 left in my Joe’s Visa budget, so now I am looking at cases.
And I mean, just look at them. What a bunch of garish, tasteless, ridiculous nonsense.
I mean, who would want something like that shining on their desktop or under their desk all the frigging time?
I was looking for something simple, plain, functional, and cheap. A “no frills” case.
Enter this fascist monolith. On second thought, don’t, because they will probably do something horrible to you involving the word “probe”.
Well, it’s not garish, and it is definitely cheap. But man, is it ugly.
I may get it anyway, though, as it is within my budget and I usually put my computer cases with the rear end facing me so I can get at all the cables and USB ports anyhow.
Then I will just have to worry that when I’m asleep, it’s just watching me… And waiting.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.