But I am not quite out of the woods just yet.
So yeah, I am feeling somewhat better today. I’ve been hydrating aggressively and I think that has helped a lot. Always good to flush out the system now and then, especially when you’ve been ill.
I think (hope) the worst of this damn cold is over. My nose is still running and my lungs and throat are still kind of sore, and I am doing so much throat-clearing that it sounds like I am very broadly hinting that I am in the room, but I feel a lot less sick and I have more energy and verve.
And a lot less mental fog and dullness of wit. Which is good, because I need my wits to be sharp. They are how I cope.
It’s not like I can coast on my good looks.
And besides, how can I be hypervigilant in a vague but very draining way if I don’t have all my wits about me?
Without my hypervigilance, I might have to develop some actual faith and trust in the universe, or at least give in to a deep and profound apathy.
Pretty sure I can’t go back to not giving a shit what happens to me. Some of the things that happen to be are very ouchy.
I would rather avoid those. I care whether or not they happen to me.
And I am still struggling to awaken. Still fighting my torpor and trying hard ot remember what it’s like to feel alive.
Struggling to be reborn. This fetal lifestyle is just plain no good for me. It’s not enough, it has never been enough, it could never be enough.
I could survive this way indefinitely. It’s not like the province is knocking on my door and loudly warning me that they are going to cut me off soon. The government and I have a low key understand that they continue to fund my life and I try not to bug them too much with my needs.
Honestly, they could probably be doing a lot more for me. I bet there are tons of programs I could be accessing in order to make my life more comfortable and less painful and overall better in quality.
But I’ll never know because I lack the initiative to go look and even if I had the initiative I would have no idea where to even start.
This is what happens when your connection to your id is very weak. You end up stalled out in situations where a healthy person would be driven to do something that would fix the situation.
But me, I just adapt. I make do. I get by.
It’s all so tragic and sad. And yet, that doesn’t motivate me to do anything about it.
If anything, it just pulls me closer to the pits of despair. It would be so much easier to just give in, fall apart, and wait to die.
But way, way deep down, I am feisty. I still have a spark. There is still that part of me that is struggling to stay alive and that won’t let the rest of me go back to sleep.
And it’s that feisty little spark that keeps prodding me towards a more productive and connected and overall healthy life, despite making almost no progress worth noting.
It doesn’t need progress.
It has rage. Rage at all the things that never happened for me. The whole failure to launch litany, from making friends as a child to graduating from college with some kind of reason for someone to hire me. And all points in between.
I deserve so much more.
But I am too damn limp and tired to get it.
More after the break.
Well this sucks
Here it is, 8 pm, dinner time for yours truly, and instead I feel nauseous and overheated.
The same thing happened last night when I was just about to meet with Julian and Felicity over Zoom to watch YouTube stuff.
Is this actually just a dehydrated form of panic attack?
Only one way to find out : I will drink water as I type and see if it makes me feel better.
Hopefully, it will work and I will be able to eat. I don’t want to have to miss a meal but right now I feel quite awful. Eating is not an option.
All I really want to do is lie down in the dark and point a fan at my forehead. I feel so ill.
Why does my life have to be like this? It’s like the universe does not want me to emerge from my chrysalis and throws new obstacles in my way any time I seem like I am making any real progress and sandbag the whole damned thing.
Maybe that’s the universe trying to teach me to rise to adversity instead of being crushed by it, or using it as an excuse to stop trying. I dunno.
I know I’m getting sick and tired of it. What do I have to do in order to feel healthy and strong? All these mysterious ailments like temporary partial pneumonia or transitory urinary tract bleeding are picking away at my very threadbare sense of their being any hope in my trying to do things.
Well, drinking water seems to have made me feel somewhat better. But I still can’t eat. Food seems like a hostile and foreign concept to me right now.
You want me to take things into my mouth, mash them into a paste with my teeth, and then swallow them? What a revolting idea.
Actually, try not to think about that description too much. It might make you sick too.
I guess all I can do now is implement the Suffering In The Dark plan and hope that whatever is fucking with my digestion passes through me and then I can remember clearly that food is a good thing, actually.
Historically, I’ve been a big fan. Very big.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.