(I’m going to bitch about you, Julian, so you might want to skip this one. )
So, Joe has cancer.
Lymphatic cancer, to be specific. Cancer of the lymph nodes. Which is pretty bad.
And how I found this out was less than ideal.
Felicity, Julian, and I were on a Zoom meeting together, and Julian tells us Joe is doing well, resting comfortably, and they are still trying to figure out the exact DNA of the kind of lymphatic cancer he has.
This was the first either Felicity or I had heard that he had cancer, and we hadn’t even really been told. Julian just dropped it into the conversation like we already knew.
It gave me a vivid flashback to when I learned about my father’s death when my sister Catherine called me about his funeral.
And as in that case, this time it was the shock of it all that hurt almost as much as the news itself. If Julian had actually, properly told me, I would (of course) have been extremely sad to hear that about my dear Joe, but it would not have been nearly as big of a shock.
And I know why it happened. It’s because Julian is so timid. Actually telling us would have been scary and hard and a lot of responsibility, plus with nobody actually telling him to do it he would have needed to do it on his own initiative. and there was absolutely no way that was going to happen.
Julian, in general, makes other people do the thinking and make the decisions for him. He is terrified of doing thing based on his own judgment, at least if others are involved.
And usually this is, at worst, mildly annoying and a bit of a drag at times. But this time, something very important was involved, and he fucked it up. And I got hurt.
It didn’t help to then learn that they released Joe from the hospital, but instead of coming home to us, he went back to his childhood home elsewhere here in Richmond to be with his parents and his sister.
And I do not disagree with that decision. It makes sense for him to go back to his childhood home and be with three people who love him deeply and who can care for him more or less around the clock.
But it still hurts. I have been waiting for him to come home for so long that the idea that they released him and he didn’t even tell us, just fucked off back to his parents’ place leaving me to think he was still in the hospital. is very painful to me.
It sucks. But I’ll get over it. Again, I agree that it was the right move.
But now I have no idea when the hell I will ever see him again. It’s not like he’s going to just go back to work and life will go back to normal now.
Being a cancer patient is pretty much a full time job. Hopefully, they caught the cancer early and it has not metastasized and spread to any other part of the body yet.
In that case, removing the lymph nodes might be enough. That’s still not good, as the lymph nodes are kind of important, but you can live without them as long as you take the right drugs and monitor your health carefully.
But there is no normal life for Joe now. Not unless they can get all the cancer out with the lymphotomy and some after-treatment, and after that it goes completely into remission and stays that way.
I hate the thought of him having to do chemo and radiation, although I am sure those are both a lot less harsh and barbaric than they used to be.
The world is a darker place now. And I always knew that would happen.
I just assumed it would happen to me.
More after the break.
Bad things, good people
I’ll tell you one thing – the fact that Joe has cancer is all the proof I need that there ain’t no fucking justice in the world.
Because Joe is an awesome guy. And I mean that literally. I have often been in awe of how effortlessly competent and reliable and just plain solid he is.
In countless ways, he’s the person I wish I was. A true Taurus, a rock, an anchor, someone everyone can rely on to be there when they are needed and to do the right thing without even hesitating.
I only wish I could be like that. But I’ve got a head full of crazy to contend with.
Now patient readers know that I don’t believe the world to be fair. How could it be? There is nothing and nobody to make it fair.
Justice is a manufactured product. It no more is found in nature than an iPhone is.
But I am still human enough to feel like what has happened to Joe is terribly unfair.
Not that there’s anyone in the world who deserves to get cancer. (Well, maybe Trump). But of all the people to get it. my Joe? My dear sweet wonderful buddy Joe , whom I adore and with whom I have spent so many hours watching the Daily Show and Colbert and having so many wonderful conversations about everything under the sun.
As a human being, one of the hardest things to contend with is the sheer unthinking callousness of fate. Deep down, we all want to think that we are in control and that we can keep ourselves safe from all the harsh random shit that happens to others.
But we can’t. You could heave the healthiest lifestyle on the planet and drop dead of a heart attack. You could be kind and nice to everyone you meet and still get screwed over by someone who hates your guts. You could be the world’s safest driver and still have your car be totaled by someone who is the worst driver in Canada.
There truly is no justice in the world save for the justice we make ourselves.
And even that doesn’t always work.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.