Yup. It’s going to be one of THOSE blog entries. The ones where I am almost unnaturally candid about something intensely intimate and personal in a way that is both offputting and oddly charming.
Well they say that raw, earnest truth is all the rage with the kids these days and it doesn’t get much more unfiltered than talking about how infrequently you get to actually ejaculate when you jack off.
It’s a serious problem. I’m all backed up. I got cum in my balls that date back to before the pandemic, for Christ’s sake.
Well I warned ya Candid.
Anyhow, it’s cum to my attention (ha ha) that the main reason I don’t get my happy squirting time very often is that I jerk off too damned much.
I have to let my poor bait n’ tackle rest up and regenerate if I want to be able to reach blastoff more than once a month.
And the thing is, I used to know this, sort of. In an earlier phase of my experience with antidepressants, my libido was quite sleepy. So only tooting my own horn every other week or so was no big deal.
That was roughly how often I craved it. Fair enough.
And if I got the urge sooner than that, it was no big deal to say, “Meh, not yet” to myself.
But over time, my horniness started waking up. I re-connected with my sexual self, at least to the point of wanting to whack it more often, and that, I think, opened the door to gradually becoming someone who masturbated many times a day.
I mean, what the hell. It’s fun, it feels good, and it even counts are cardio.
The problem, of course, is that I am fifty, not twenty. My intimate equipment can’t do what it did back then. But I hvave gotten into the habit of pleasuring myself as often as I did when I was a horny young man discovering FurryMUCK way back when
I guess it’s kind of like my video game addiction. I began to lean on diddling myself as one of my primary forms of diversion and ended up turning it into something that arguably was doing more harm than good.
Shame on me for my decadence! Tsk tsk tsk.
II discovered all this via challenging myself to go without the solitary vice from around 2 am last night to noo today.
So roughly ten hours without waxing my tadpole(s).
I figured this would be no big deal. Oh, how wrong I was! I didn’t go an hour without getting the urge to jerk the gherkin. And by the time I got up at 9 am for breakfast, it was getting hard (so to speak) to keep my hands off myself.
So what started as a simple scientific attempt to see if abstaining boosted my odds of a happy ending ended up illuminating a whole lot more.
So now I have to face a choice : keep going the way I have been going and accept that spilling my seed won’t happen very often, or cut back on the erogenous activity in hopes of actually getting to empty my balls some day.
AS is standard for me, I will probably come down somewhere in between. I will cut back some, but the truth is that there’s entire galaxies of delightful pornography waiting for me out there and exploring that world is just too much fun to slow it down too much.
Plus my lust is arguably the most intimately alive part of me. It keeps my flame of passion burning and even leaves me yearning for a partner, which would be objectively a way better way to express my wild oats.
Not that there’s anything wrong with waxing your own carrot. But I am long, long, LONG overdue to start exploring the world of sex with OTHER PEOPLE.
I mean, most people do that in either their teens or early 20’s.
I’m a little late.
Granted, my physical limitations and the post-apocalyptic state of this bedroom of mine make it kind of tricky to start hooking up with dudes via Grindr.
But I swear to Dog, I will get there somehow, and finally sow around 25 years’ worth of some very, very wild oats
More after the break.
A video interlude
So simple and so funny.
Don’t be gay, Fru
I probably should not be introducing something this big this late, but whatever. I don’t want to wait till tomorrow. If I do, I will forget it or chicken out.
For all of my adult life there has been this fragment of iconflict and doubt regarding my sexuality. Sometimes. when I am jacking it the kind of gay furry porn I like, or otherwise dealing directly with my homosexuality, part of me will pull back in horror and alarm and disgust and with that comes a terrible feeling that this is wrong.
And I panic and freak out somewhat, and then of course I experience intense inner conflict because it’s not like this thought suddenly makes me heterosexual.
So if neither peepee or hooha are an option, that would leave me with….nothing.
And I am definitely NOT asexual.
The feeling passes and I go on with my life, having buried the thought deep with in my mind against, because… yeah, that’s a great idea.
But just today I have been feeling it very intensely and it’s caused me to want to bring it out and examine it and stay with the feeling until it resolves itself.
So, what the fuck it up with that?
The obvious answer would be internalized homophobia. Sure, I was not raised to be homophobic nor have I ever been homophobic in my life – I learned tolerance from Normal Lear vefore I even had a sexuality – I was still raised in a homophobic culture and I will not pretend that hasno effect on me because I am ever so enlightened.
But I think there is more to it than that we me personally. Like ot or very, very much not, my life has been defined by an act of homosexual rape when I was only 4.
And I think that both “made me gay” (probably) and made me, on some deep subterranean level of my prerational consciousness, made me via adult male homosexuality as a threat.
Hence this strange thought making me panic and want to flee. The feeling of threat is intense and palpable. And it is most definitely something that arises from the very deepest pits of my primordial subconscious, which… tracks.
And that’s why I decided that I needed to write about it. It’s the sort of thing that melts away when exposed to the light, and I am determined to resolve this issue so I can clear my mind to be the happy homo I have always pretended to be.
And who knows, maybe this will fix my RL sexuality issues too.
But those are for another time.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.