Could not make myself make the phone call to maybe get the ball rolling on a new pair of glasses for myself today.
I guess I still have some denial about the whole thing left after all. I don’t want to face the reality of my eyes going wonky on me and so I drag my feet and tell myself it’s really not all that bad and so forth.
Plus there is my usual problem with actually deciding to do things to contend with. Merely activating is often the hardest part for me due to how much the depression makes me inherently resist action.
I know damned well that I am happiest when I am busy and engaged. And yet I linger in my twilit realm of video games and sleep because taking any other kind of action meas increasing my stimulus level and I am so god damned afraid of that.
Not for any easily understood reason, of course. It’s more a matter of a murky response to my own anxiety issues. The solution my psyche for that is to make me afraid of anything that might trigger a panic attack by initiating an adrenaline response.
And when you have lived at the bottom of Stimulus Hill for as long as I have, practically anything at all part from my sad, narrow existence means a higher stimulus level.
Especially calling up a stranger and asking for something… like an appointment. Sigh.
I will get there. I have to. Things are getting way too squinty for comfort in my sad little life. I just reinstalled the first Dragon Age game, Dragon Age : Origins, which is an amazingly good game, and found out that I could not read much of the text in the game at all. Which made character creation tricky.
Luckily moving my face closer to the monitor more or less worked. For now. As did dropping the screen resolution a notch.
Might have to go down another notch before I’m done. Which is brutally ironic given all the time and money I put into upgrading this dang PC.
In fact, given that the only modern game I have, Baldur’s Gate 3,. kept crashing, I have honestly not seen much of an improvement in my gaming at all.
Oh well, at least Windows runs faster. So, yay for that, I guess.
Perhaps I will get that new power supply soon. Hopefully that will fix my problem with my fancy graphics card just conking out sometimes.
Or I could just get Spuug to uninstall the damned thing. Sure, maybe my graphics would be a lot shittier without it, but at least they would run.
Instead, I have been playing super ancient games that played just fine before I got the GPU, ironically enough.
Whatever, It will all work out somehow, even if I have to force it.
Oh, and I keep forgetting to ask Julian to buy my antihistamines They are a $30-$40 per month expense for me now.
Was awfully nice of Joe to pay for that for me for all those years. I miss him so much. He was my rock, my anchor, my reality intercessor for so long.
For jnw, though, it’s just Julian and me. Joe is a full time cancer patient now and I worry about him all the time, but I have faith and confidence that he will beat the cancer and come back to us.
And until then, Julian and I will get by somehow. I am actually a very competent and capable person when I let myself be.
I should take over as like, head administrator of the household. Would make me feel better about my life, at least.
More after the break.
I can’t stand this life any more
Don’t mind me, I am just feeling overcome with disgust for my situation.
I live in filth because I cannot make myself clean. Everywhere you look, there is garbage and fruit peels and empty soda cans and various scraps of paper and, of course, a thriving ecosystem of insects that live off my awful heap of offal.
And all I do all day is wallow in my own stink. I haven’t had a shower in literal years. Most of the time I am lounging around naked because I never have enough clean clothes to get dressed every day, like I sometimes did when Joe was around. My bed has no sheet, just a mattress cover which, like the comforter that is my only blanket, has probably absorbed enough of my sweat and skin cells by now to be legally considered a clone in some jurisdictions.
And what is my usual response to all this? To just stay withdrawn from reality super hard so that most of the time I don’t notice it. I just stay absorbed into my screens, which is a truly elegant form of self-destruction because it it both the solution to and cause of all my problems.
Just like all addictions, really. You use the addiction to escape the problems caused by the addiction, and that’s a cycle that can’t be stopped until you decide to withdraw from the addiction and suffer the consequences.
Luckily, video games have no physical withdrawal symptoms. So carving out an hour a day where I do something productive would not cause me to go through the DT’s, the shakes, or a lot of group therapy in rehab.
Forced group therapy would not go well with me. My rage would come out. I would probably end up being quite the “problem” prisoner.
Anyhow, my point was that my like literally and figuratively stinks, I am rotting from the inside, my environment is terrible, and the only one who can fix it is me.
Hopefully, if I keep coming back to this disgust and frustration with my life, at some point it will overcome all my inner resistance long enough for me to do something to actually make my life situation better.
Aaaaany day now.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.