Today was Therapy Thursday, and one of the things that came up in passing was my feeling like I am constantly approaching the point where I would finally jump off the diving board and plunge into life without ever actually making it there.
And I don’t know what to make of that. I know that I won’t get anywhere if I keep bullshitting myself with the feeling of making progress without actually doing anyh of the things or taking any of the risks needed to actually make substantial progress.
Like I have said before, it’s entirely possible that I have been scamming myself for a really long time by settling for these itsy bitsy teeny weenie bits of :progress’ – just enough to convince me that I am getting somewhere – when in reality it’s like bragging that you’re climbing Mount Kilimanjaro because you’re a whole seven micrometers higher up the side than you were yesterday.
I mean yeah, technically, you are climbing it. But at this rate, you won’t rach the summit before the Sun turns into a red giant and engulfs the Earth.
The question then is whether this is something I can do something about. Can I choose to say “fuck it” and start climbing in earnest?
Maybe. But it would require a large amount of overcoming myself.
And that’s the real challenge : actually changing who I am. Expanding theboundaries of my life and becoming more than I am in the process. Expanding not just my mind – that part is easy – but my spirit and my soul and my entire umwelt.
To open the doors to my soul and let all my emotions escape into the world as I finally manage to air out this musty tomb I live in and get some fresh air and sunshine in here.
And when I am ready, to go out and play.
Or maybe before I am ready. Maybe waiting to be ready is part of the problem. Maybe the real secret is to jump out of the plane and figure out how not to die on the way down, so to speak.
That goes against every fiber of my cautious nature But just like everything else, caution kills if taken too far and there has to be some room left for taking risks. following roads to find out where they go, and trusting in your own coping abilities to see you through somehow even if things go wrong.
That all sounds very bright and brave and good but my stomach is tying itself into knows just thinking about it.
This is why people travel to broaden their minds etc, I think. Travel means dliberately leavnig the comfort of the known and the familiar to go someplace to have new experiences unlike what you get back home.
When you put in that way, it sounds utterly horrible Can’t imagine why anyone would do that to themselves. Why not stay home. It’s cheaper AND safer!
And I know that’s a very unhealthy part of my mind speaking One that still has far too much influence on me because it comes from some very deep emotions born back when I was being raped when I was four years old.
And I don’t know how to get over that except to keep picking at that ancient wound in hopes of finding a way to let it finally heal itself.
In order for that to happen, I have to remain aware of it, hence the picking And at the same time I can flush the impurities from the wound and put a nice clean fresh set of bandages on it.
Who knows, maybe I will clear the way for a major revelation that will finally let me deal with all those old emotions once and for all.
Or maybe I am just bullshitting myself.
More after the break.
I’m feeling down
Feeling down, when I would rather be feeling up. *eyebrow waggle*
Feeling down enough that I am beginning to wonder if I am comic down with something./ I definitely feel that heaviness and fatigue I associated with playing host to something decidedly unwelcome and viral.
Might mean I don’t make it to Wound Care tomorrow. Oh well, I seem o miss one in five sessions anyhow, so this would be entirely within the statistical norm.
You’d think I was a very sick man or something.
Still, I managed to get one thing done today : I emailed West Coast Retina Consultants, the people who look after my eyeballs. about needing a new glasses prescription.
I figured I would contact them first because they are the people with the most recent scans of my eyes plus my previous prescription came from one of their doctors, Doctor Vaezi, and they have been looking after my eyes in general, so I figured I might as well see if I should be going to them first.
My guess is, probably not, in which case I will just book a visit to a regular optometrist iinstead and ask for the full battery of tests.
I’m pretty sure I am overdue for those. I am supposed to get the fully Monty every two years, and it’s been at least two years since my cataract surgeries, so it must be time to get my eyeballs looked at once more.
Back to feeling tired : I am pretty sure I am caught up on sleep. So it’s not just that I need a nice long nap.
That puts the ball pretty firmly in the “illness” side of the court. Dammit. I am so tired of feeling like this periodically, and there is always a chance that even after I get over this bout of whatever, my muscle damage will have increased.
And isn’t that just ducky.
They still don’t know WTF is wrong with me. All I can say is that I ain’t making it up. That doesn’t mean it is definitively not psychosomatic, but I doubt it is.
It came on too slowly and gradually for that.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.