It’s now clear to me that the fire that burns inside of me and the emotional warmth that I have craved for my entire life come from the same place and it’s all a matter of one’s attitude, which dictates whether the fire burns or warms.
I get the feeling that I have been thermally polarized for a long time. I have my icy cold analytical intellect in the same person as my ragingly powerful creative fiery soul, and in order to keep the two from canceling each other out, I keep them far apart
But that’s terribly wrongheaded. Why should I be shivering in the cold dark night of my freezer compartment of a life when I have all this lovely heat inside me?
Heat that I can totally turn to warmth…. for other people, not myself. Somehow I became immune to my own healing rays of light and therefore I have to use them to warm someone else and bask in their reflected glow.
God, that’s a depressing (but true) way to look at my warm personality.
I can only love myself by loving others. One would think that for efficiency’s sake alone I would be able to cut out the middleman and love myself and be warmed by that love, but on some deep and mighty level I built thickly insulated walls around that icy cold mind of mine specifically to preserve “clarity” and “objectivity”.
I wanted to see the Truth. I am one of those people who, as Robert Anton Wilson put it, wants to know what’s really going on. I want to see through the layers of delusion to the very heart of things.
Or so I thought. I am still in the process of wrapping my head around how inhumane and self-destructive such a brutally alien point of view can be.
I mean, inherent in this whole, “I want to know the Truth” mindset is the phrase, “no matter the cost”, and I am here to tell you that it costs too damned much.
It’s a point of view without sympathy or mercy for oneself. It denies me even the most basic protection against the cold hard realities of the world, leaving me wandering naked on that Midnight Tundra wondering why I am so COLD.
Put on a freakin’ parka already!
But it’s not that simple. It’s very hard to surrender this “clarity” when the truth of what it reveals is central to one’s entire sense of reality. My world is made of crystal clear insight and to change that in order to gain personal warmth feels like insanity.
So perhaps what is needed is a paradigm shift towards a mindset that does not feel like warming myself up inside makes my world “less true”, but rather, one that opens it up to all kinds of truths it could not see because I was so damned cold.
I am sure the world is full of warmly wonderful things that I have had no emotional access to because I was too busy preserving this “clarity”.
Nobody had to detach me from humanity. I did it all myself, and all in the name of a search for the truth.
But even the truth is subject to the hedonic equation. To utility.
So at what point does this insatiable drive for insight because a liability and not an asset? What use is all this “truth” if it leaves me dying of emotional malnutrition and spiritual hypothermia? God damn it, how much am I willing to pay just to feel smugly superior to others and their “delusions”?
Too fucking much, apparently.
And there has to be some way to make this all work together. To move my lonely satellite closer to the Sun and let those protective layers of ice melt away to let the sun shine into my heart.
There’s sunshine in my heart. It’s always there.
And it makes me a sweet, sweet honey… fox.
More after the break.
Why I read gay furry manga
For scenes like this :
I know it doesn’t mean a lot out of context, but trust me, this was the glorious climax to a long romantic buildup of the “He feels the same way about ME!” variety.
And that sort of thing is very good for my soul. I think there is some bad social wiring in this rat’s nest of a mind of mine that needs examples of positive gay romance to soothe it because of that part of me from long ago that still sees gay sexuality as a threat.
Being me is really fucking complicated.
A virgin to love
I am one. In two different ways.
I have no direct experience of romantic love at all. The closest I have come to romance has been through furry roleplay, and that never got very far.
Largely because I kept making the same mistake over and over again – moving too slow and not “laying claim’ to the man I wanted, and then seeing him go off with someone else leaving me all alone again
I guess it’s a side effect of my “free spirit” approach to life. Making someone “mine” does not come naturally to me. To me, we’re together because we like being together and no exclusivity is required.
But that leaves my partners wondering if I am even all that into them. Do I actually want them, or are we just buddies who hang out sometimes? Would I fight to keep them? Would I sacrifice some of my precious autonomy to be with them? Or would I just shrug and flit off to the next bit of pleasant company?
I don’t know the answer to any of those questions. For what it’s worth, I often don’t know how people really feel about me, either.
I guess that comes from being so easygoing and free. I don’t give pledges of undying love to anyone but I don’t demand them either.
I guess a partner who takes the initiative and pursues me would be ideal. Especially if they are patient and persistent enough to put up with my sometimes vacillating nature.
It’s not easy to bring a big personality like mine in for a landing. And without landing, there’s no way to settle down, is there?
And I want to settle down. I want it SO MUCH. I dream of domestic bliss and making a home with my Man of Life.
But it won’t be easy.
Nothing worthwhile ever is.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.