Did the Therapy Thursday thing today.
Not a great session. I had managed to completely forget the appointment was today while playing more Assassin’s Creed : Odyssey, so when the phone rang at 1:03 pm, I was actually annoyed.
Who’s bugging me now, dammit?
But of course, it all came flooding back to me when I heard Doctor Costin’s voice.
Still, not a great session, since I was basically improvising. I did, at least, manage to bring up that whole hot n’ cold thing I talked about here recently.
You know, how I have a raging wildfire and an endless Midnight Tundra within me, and how nice it would be if they could just get together to make me warm.
I have been looking for emotional warmth my entire life. Not very well, to be sure, but I have been looking for it.
At least now I know that all that coldness inside me is not merely a product of having been isolated and alone for so long. It is also the cause of said loneliness.
It is a mindless drive for “clarity” and “objectivity” and it cuts me off from others on an emotional level because of course, truly connecting with others would require me to drop this intellectual pose to let my guard down and be real with people.
Possibly to the point of being intimate with them. Imagine that.
But I am extremely dependent on this state of artificial detachment. It is foundational to my entire sense of reality.
I don’t just love science, I am science. From a very early age, I have held this “objective” posture so that I might see the “truth” of things, and despite knowing just how badly that’s hurt me (and others), I still can’t imagine seeing things any other way.
But I am working on it. I have taken a few baby steps into the realm of feeling the world instead of merely observing it. I have dug up some memories of a very young and innocent me who looked upon the world with far more wonder and delight and who experienced things through his mind AND his emotions.
You know. Before the rape.
And I am trying to get back to that state of innocence. I want to learn to view the world with an (ironically) more neutral and objective emotional outlook instead of the hostile, suspicious, paranoid, and mistrustful bias I have now.
There’s just as much good as bad in the world. Everything is relative and everything is open to interpretation. You’re just as free to think about kittens as you are to think about death. You’re just as free to think about your good points as you are your flaws.
You’re just as free to look for reasons to love yourself as you are to self-negate.
It’s not that simple, I know. Our self-degradation from depression expresses genuine emotions and in order to free ourselves from our own torture chamber, we have to address those emotions and give them a better way to express themselves.
But on another level, it really is that simple. The demons are ours and so is the fight. And as long as we are internalizing our anger and taking it out on ourselves, the demons win and we stay in Hell.
Those hell-fires run on our own rage, venting inwards.
Hence my telling Doc Costin today about how I feel like I can at least access all that rage inside me now, and in so doing, let it express itself little by little.
Like bleeding pressure from a system in small amounts in order to reduce the internal pressure to something a little more safe.
Next up, let’s talk about all that rage.
More after the break.
Oh god, not this again
Once more it’s around 8 pm and I have absolutely no appetite.
I mean, I’ve even given myself permission to order in, and still my stomach says “Meh.”
I’m not going to let this stand this time, though. I am going to force myself to order something in about ten minutes. I cannot afford to miss another meal.
I ended up not eating supper last night due to sleep weirdness. and I’ll be damned if I end up missing two suppers in a row.
God, I am so sick of this shit.
I wonder what it is about this time of day that kills my appetite? It can’t be the heat. By 8 pm it’s starting to cool down even on the solstice.
Oh, speaking of which :
My god, I actually managed to name-check the solstice ON the solstice!
That might seem minor to you, but trust me, for me and my tendency to have my head stuck so far up my ass I can see my tonsils from behind,. being aware enough of where I am in time and space to pull that off is nothing short of miraculous.
Anyhow. So it can’t be the heat even today. But it could be some kind of “sundown” effect of a different sort.
It definitely feels like some sort of “nothing’s coming out so nothing’s going in” constipation kind of lack of appetite.
But I don’t know what would bring that on right now I swear I was hungry like an hour ago, but now, nothing.
Well fuck it. I have now ordered from Subway. Nice, fresh, low-challenge Subway. I am pretty sure I will be able to eat that.
And ordering it used up the last of the money from last month’s Joker credit card, so that neatly takes care of THAT too.
By my calculations, that should leave about $5 on the card, which I can easily transfer over to my Steam account.
And it didn’t even come out of this month’s budget!
It’s sad how happy that makes me.
But oh well. There’s a reason I was so good at accounting that I got a 98 percent in the class and the teacher confessed to me that it should have been 100 percent but he didn’t want the other teachers to make fun of him.
Because I’m not just good…. I’m literally unbelievably good.
I should probably figure out a way to use that to get money.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.
P.S. : The Subway, as always, is very good.