I was actually doing it.

I had signed up for and signed in to FlexJobs ^[1]. Had agreed to pay them $2.95 for two weeks of their service. I figure that’s plenty of time to see whether the service is worth my hard burned cash or not.

If I stick with it, it’s like $10/month. Perfectly reasonable.

Having signed in, I did a job search for writing jobs, and alas, was discovering something I had forgotten about the job market and me, namely that all jobs require experience I don’t have, certifications I lack, or degrees I’ve never even heard of.

Still, I was trooping along. Worst case scenario, I will need to switch job categories from Writing to something more likely to hire any warm body, like Customer Support.

I’d rather be showing the world what a truly amazing writer I am, but right now, my primary concern is earning some money in order to feel better about myself.

So there I was, plugging along, when out of nowhere I heard some large plastic object hit the ground hard outside and the power in my room went almost entirely out.

Yes, just to add weirdness to the mix, I was still getting a teeny tiny amount of power. Just enough to keep one of the lights on the back of my computer blinking and my desk fan’s blade slowly rotating like it wanted to be backlit in a warehouse in a music video.

But then again, who doesn’t?

Well I could not continue my search now. My computer would not turn back on. So all I could do is lay down and nap and hope reality was prepared to be more reasonable when I woke up.

This worked. After turning the power off at the power supply on my computer then turning it back on, I was able to get it to boot like normal. and here we are.

Meanwhile, the construction in our building has been migrating down over time andnow it’s happening on the floor above ours and it is VERY LOUD.

I shudder to think of how loud it will be when they are working on this floor, right outside my god damned window

Oh well, This, too, shall pass. Nothing lasts forever, not even the bad stuff.

It’s a good thing I can sleep through noise, though. As long as it’s fairly regular noise with not too many sudden sharp surprises, I can tune it out and snooze.

After all, I learned to sleep through the neighborhood rugrats raising a ruckus back home in Summerside.

Heck, sometimes I even listened in from my bedroom as I was curious is to what kids were up to way back in the 90’s.

And sometimes it would be funny and/or cute.

As an additional “treat”, I get to hear what the construction workers are listening to on the radio. Music in Arabic, of course, or possibly Erdu.

Something with a lot of phlegm, anyhow.

It all sounds the same to me, which I assume must be a product of my being an ignorant infidel, uncultured and uncouth.

Thought I am dying to know if it works the other way. Do these gentlemen ever say to one another, “Oh, I can’t stand that Western music, it all sounds the same to me!”

And if so. what does it “all” sound like to them? I’m dying to know.

I will give the FlexJobs thing another try later on. Maybe tonight, maybe not until tomorrow afternoon. We will see.

More after the break.

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Feeling pretty wretched

Not having the best of evenings.

I mut have been doing some pretty intense dreaming as I feel all brain fried right now. Getting the words out is not easy for me at the moment.

Honestly, all I want to do is go back to sleep. I neglected to set an alarm on my tablet earlier, and as a direct consequence, I am here eating supper at 9:30 pm or so.

I can only hope that despite waking up feeling refried twice, I also caught up on some heavy REM cycles and thus will be far better off in the long run.

We always want our suffering to serve a purpose. One of the most incomprehensible and unacceptable thoughts to the human mind is that bad things can happen to you for no reason and with no warning and no chance for you to avoid it.

Hence the tendency for fatuous idiots to solemnly intone, “Everything happens for a reason. ” when bad shit happens.

Well duh. That’s how causality works.

Now that I have gotten in touch with the vast well of untapped rage within me, the urge to lash out at people is stronger than ever.

And I have been letting that out in my Reddit and YouTube comments lately. Only a teeny bit, mind you. I still fear having a total meltdown and ending up in jail.

But the idea of just letting loose with no restraint or consideration for others does have a certain amount of appeal for me. I am extremely angry at the world, as it turns out, and I am still trying to figure out what the hell I am so damned mad at.

The quick, easy, glib, and insufficient answer is “isolation”. I have been all alone in this vapor locked little world of mine for my entire life and I think a big part of all that rage stems directly from all the loneliness I never let myself feel.

And I guess I am mad at the world for not being there for me. For throwing me to the wolves at an early age, causing me to withdraw from reality hard, which of course then just lead to further feelings of isolation

I just want to go somewhere where I feel warm and cared for and loved and valued and cherished. I have been locked out in the cold for so very, very long

I just want to come home.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.