Things other than play video games, eat, and blog, that is.
It’s insane (literally) how hard it is for me to expand my world even one teeny tiny bit.
Even just looking for work on FlexJobs feels like it’s beyond me at the moment, and that doesn’t even increase my social exposure at all.
That comes when I actually apply for something. Which I will totally do once I find something I am actually qualified to do.
So far, no comedy writer jobs on there.
Anyhow, it leaves me wondering why it is so hard for me to branch out. Where does this incredible fear that rises within me like a sirocco and leaves me feeling overwhelmed and lost when all I am doing is trying to solve my problems come from?
Several places, I think.
For one, there’s that huge part of me that is walled off and disconnected and that leaves me a lot less spiritual energy to do things than I should have at my disposal.
I think a lot of the feeling of being overwhelmed comes from. Whenever I try to get myself activated and energized to actually do something with myself, I hit that invisible wall I put up between me and the world when I was being raped at the age of 4, and the whole process grinds to a halt with an almost audible groaning sound.
Jesus, does that god damned wall have to go. But I know it’s not as easy as shouting, “Tear down the wall!” like Pink Floyd said.
After all, that wall has been there since I was 4 years old. I have no idea how to live without it. I don’t know what real life is like at all.
As I was telling Doctor Costin during Therapy Thursday today, the really amazing thing is that even just staying within the four filthy walls of this bedroom is not enough isolation for me.
Within that cage is another cage that cuts me off from my environment and my world and that renders me too numb to really feel the love people have for me.
Part of me refuses to believe that love is there. It’s scared to believe in it. As if the moment I believe that it’s really really there, it will disappear, leaving nothing but the sound of my inner demons laughing at me for being a sucker.
Those guys are such jerks.
And within that inner cage are, I imagine, even more cages, all the way down. After all, every retreat from reality creates a new, even smaller cage for you to retreat into, and then that cage becomes the next layer of reality you withdraw from, and so on and so on until you’re just a tiny little shred of humanity inside thousands of layers of cage.
This is what happens when your number one go-to move to deal with life is to pull your head and legs in like a turtle and withdraw still further from reality.
As coping mechanisms go, this is wildly maladaptive. Withdrawing into yourself and turning your back on the real world is downright toxic and if I could, I would simply disable my ability to do so in order to force myself to learn to cope with things.
But maybe all that would do is make me finally go completely catatonic as I give up on reality entirely and just wait to die.
That’s the fate I am constantly dodging. My escapism has no limiting factor except my will keeping it at bay on an active basis.
Part of me wants to flee from life entirely.
And that part of me is always there…. waiting.
More after the break.
I wonder how far we are from young hipsters calling each other on land lines just because it makes communication feel more “authentic”.
About that money
You remember. The money that mysteriously vanished from my Joker prepaid credit card when a $7.60 transaction made my balance go down $72?
Yeah, it’s still not back.
And I called their toll free number again just to make absolutely sure that there was no way to get to talk to a person or dispute a charge that way.
And yup. It’s impossible. You can select “Dispute a charge” from the main phone menu, but it just dumps you right back to the main menu.
Also, to nitpick a bit, some of the menus have only one option, make them redundant. But that’s probably the sort of thing that only bug the crap out of me.
Anyhow, the phone was a bust so I had no choice but to go to the website and fill out a long and irritating form then email it to them as an attachment.
The email address bounced it back to me.
I might have typed it in wrong, but regardless, this is all seeming super shady.
Not that I can do anything about it right now. They still have my remaining ~$200 in their system and there’s no way to get it back out except by spending it.
And adding to the mysteriousness is that their competition, those PowerPay cards I used to get, just mysteriously vanished one day.
So I don’t really have a choice about using them. When deposit day rolls around in a bit less than two weeks, I will probably buy another one.
I guess I could try that Post Office one again, assuming I can unfuck my account with them. Or hell, maybe finally switch banks to one that offers Visa Debit and be done with the whole god damned issue.
I just want to be able to buy stuff online with the money in my bank account. That doesn’t sound like an unreasonable thing to want, does it?
I wonder if I could connect my bank account with PayPal. Assuming PayPal is still a thing and online retailers still accept it.
Anyhow, money is still gone and shit’s shady as hell. I want my $72 back.
Why is everything after my god damned money lately?
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.