Feeling super sleepy just like I did yesterday. In fact, it’s a bit worse.
This is not unusual. These “catching up” periods always last for at least a couple of days and can drag on for three days or more. I am in it for the long haul.
Doesn’t make it any less irritating, though. Insert standard bitching and whining about not wanting to sleep but wanting to DO THINGS instead.
I don’t want to sleep all the time, I want to have fun! I want to do fun stuff! Like eating meals and playing video games!
Man, I really am a toddler. But with more masturbation.
Otherwise, things are going alright. I don’t seem to be getting those weird little periods of slight chest pain and shortness of breath when I lay down today.
Still, I uh, should probably see someone about that. Those seem like pretty ominous symptoms. I should probably get Doc Chao to take a look at my ticker.
And while he’s at it, my heart. Ta bum tish.
It really does feel like it’s something cardiovascular, and that’s not the kind of thing a fat dude in his fifties can afford to ignore.
I have a phone appointment with Doctor Chao on the 31st. So I can talk to him about it then. Unless it gets a lot worse, then to the ER I go.
It’s especially bad if I lay on my back, which I like to do from time to time because it takes all the pressure off my back and thus lets the poor thing rest for a bit.
I can’t sleep that way, sadly, but it makes for good relief now and then anyhow.
But lately, the longer I lay on my back, the harder it gets to breathe. It’s like there is something small and heavy sitting right on my heart and it just gets heavier over time.
So yeah. That’s kind of worrisome as well.
I always sleep either laying on my front or my side. And there’s this definite feeling when this problem is acting up of it being something like a sticky gear shift. Like instead of being a smooth transition from sitting and alert to lying down and resting, my internal gearbox gets stuck between gears now and then.
Or something like that.
It’s not good, is what I am saying.
The 31st is one week from today. I guess I can wait that long. But of course, as always, if it gets worse I am heading straight for the ER.
Got to be gentle with this heart of mine. It’s quite tender.
Let’s see, what else. Well this site is amusing in a very crude way.
It’s a parody of all those tasteful ads for custom candles that are supposed to offer a slow symphony of scents as the candle burns down through the layers.
Here’s something I have always wanted to know : what, exactly, is burning when you light a candle? Is it just the wick? Is the wax just there to make the wick burn slowly?
Because wax does not seem like it would burn. And if all that is happening is the wax melting, doesn’t that mean that you could gather up all the melted wax and form it back into a candle shape around a new wick while it’s still warm and pliable?
It seems obvious to me that it would work. And yet, in the days before electricity, people were always fretting over using candles when they could not afford more, or somesuch.
Surely it has to have occurred to them to just re-use the wax.
Or am I the only one who sees this? I often am.
More after the break.
I’m better than you
But then again, I’m not. It’s…. complicated.
Once more we return to the dreaded topic of superiority. Faithful readers will already be familiar with how my vast intellectual superiority over most people has been a complicating factor for me for my entire life.
And sure, it alienated me from my fellow students in the school system – I simply could not relate to them nor they to me. And it meant I was mostly bored out of my mind in class. School work was never challenging to me.
But what I want to talk about tonight is specifically that thorny knot that is my being “superior” to others.
I am anti-elitism. I am a dyed in the wool humanist who thinks we’re all fragile beings trying to make it through this carnival of obstacles and chaos called life and I don’t want artificial barriers like gender, race, religion, or ability to come between us when, for me at least, it is intuitively obvious that we are so small and the Universe so big that we’d be fools not to stick together.
And that’s all well and good, but that pesky intellectual superiority of mine makes it hard to feel like I am on the same level as others. Like it or not, I tower over them, and no amount of scrunching down will make me blend in with the pygmies.
And I don’t know how to deal with that. When I try to imagine how I could deal with the indigestible yet undeniable truth, all I can think of is me as a shepherd walking among his sheep and making sure they are okay.
And while I do find that a somewhat comforting thought – at least then I’d have a role, and a job – I doubt the “sheep” would feel the same way about it
And that’s why I have to take this issue out and beat it all about now and then. I am trying to work through all the complications inherent to the issue so that I can eventually reach some sort of peaceful resolution to the conflict.
The other image I have of the everyday folks is that they are children, and I am pretty sure they would hate that even more than being sheep.
So once more, I ask : how does a big brained egalitarian like me learn to find his place in this world of childlike sheep (lambs?) and do good ibn the world without having to suppress his abilities in order to keep from spooking the herd?
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.