It’s back, baby.
For those of you who are new here, or have just forgotten, what I call my “demon hunger” is a period where I am incredibly hungry and nothing seems to satiate me for very long. When it’s really bad, even a large meal barely slows it down
So far it’s not too bad. My usual meals appease it for a while, at least. And hopefully, whatever drives this phenomenon will get whatever it wants soon.
I assume it’s some sort of nutritional deficit, in which case, I wish it would be a little more specific about what it wants me to eat.
MORE FOOD NOW does not give me a lot to go on.
Could be my diabetes, of course. Somehow, despite my best efforts, sometimes my blood sugars get seriously out of whack[1] and it takes something big to restore balance to the force, so to speak.
That one theory, anyhow. And seeing as in the past I have been able to cure this condition with a shot of insulin. I’d say it’s a pretty good theory.
That’s about the only time I take insulin these days. Jardiance, the miracle drug with the terrible name, keeps my blood sugars down to a healthy level via controlled ketosis.
Believe it or not, that’s what is behind the “keto” diet. Some people think that if you avoid certain foods and eat other specific foods, you can get the same effect as with Jardiance but without those icky actually medically tested and scientifically accurate prescription drugs from Big Pharma.
This is patently untrue, but if tagging a magic word on to what is merely a sane and sensible diet gets people to eat better, I am all for it.
Just remember, kids, there IS such a thing as too few carbs. Your body needs carbohydrates to function. They are the fuel life runs on.
Remember, moderation is the key. Aim for the middle.
Like I always end up saying, being hungry all the time is really hard on the nerves. It’s like this irritating voice droning in your ears that only gets louder over time until you finally can give it what it wants.
Normally, it’s enough for me to keep some kind of snack cracker on hand, like Cheez-its or Vegetable Thins, to munch on when my tummy gets too rumbly.
But when this goddamned demonic hunger strikes, that’s not enough. And while I have obviously made headway against my “no eating between meals” policy, I still can’t imagine having even a small meal between the usual big meals.
So it’s definitely partly my fault for being so damned stubborn.
We Taurus types can be our own worst enemies that way. On the plus side, it can make us incredibly tenacious and firmly committed to our beliefs.
On the minus side, it can lead to making life worse for ourselves by sticking to a point or a position that we don’t even remember the justification for.
Let’s see. Hunger aside, it’s been a decent day. Did the Wound Care thing this morning. Found that while my muscles were weak and hurt a fair bit on the way in to where I get my Wound Care, on the way out my muscles had warmed up and felt pretty good.
Not fully healthy, of course. But a lot less weak and ouchy.
Makes me wonder if I should try getting some exercise on my own. [2] I have been pondering doing laps of the hallways leading from the elevators to the apartments on my floor. They are conveniently laid out in a square, making doing laps feasible.
And I would do them while using my outdoor walker, which can also be used as a seat, so if I am way on the other side of the floor from our apartment when I run out of gas. I would be able to sit for a bit to rest up.
It will probably never happen. But it’s nice to pretend it might.
More after the break.
The fundamental motivation issue
This is going to require some serious rethinking on my part.
I have never fully believed in this “motivation” stuff. It’s always seemed like BS to me. Something made up to cover up the gap between the things we want to do and the things we are actually prepared to do, for real, right now.
“Woops! I mean, I totally want to do it, but I just don’t have the MOTIVATION!”
Yeah, and you never will. At no point in the future will doing the thing seem any more appealing than it does right now, so just be honest with yourself and admit that you don’t really want to do it. You just like the idea of doing it.
Crap, I have threadjacked myself again.
What I was going to say is that I have been beating myself up for the lack of this motivation stuff when the truth is that I have a profound psychological injury that has been weighing me down and holding me back for my entire life.
It’s not a lack of “motivation” that keeps from from trying things any more than it’s a lack of “motivation” that keeps a paraplegic from dancing.
I am broken deep down inside and until that changes, I’m not going to get very far. Time and again, the pain from my Wound and the fear that tries to prevent that pain will gang together and stop me before I get anywhere because I am too damned injured to do it.
So from now on, digging into, cleaning out, and healing that wound is my number one preoccupation. Maybe I will poke around and check out some spiritual wisdom to seeif any of it makes sense to me. Maybe I will dig into the better therapists on YouTube’s archives and see what I can find there.
Or maybe I will do jack shit except lie in the dark thinking about stuff.
But one way or another, I’m going to heal that wound.
And then maybe I can be a real person once more.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.