Didn’t make it to Wound Care this morning.
I started feeling rather off late last night. My limb were weaker than usual and I felt hot even though it was after midnight. And I was dizzy, too.
Making my midnight snack was an adventure in my weakened condition. I was lurching around our tiny kitchen and desperately clinging to the cabinetry the whole time.
So I warned Julian that there was a chance I would not make it to Wound Care.
And when I woke up this morning, I knew I would not be going, because in addition to my previously listed symptoms, I now had the all too familiar heaviness and scratchiness in my chest and a swollen, scratchy feeling in my throat.
Plus weird aches and pains in random parts of my body. Like the lower tendon connecting my right kneecap with my leg, and the first joint of my right pointer finger.
Hmmm, that sounds inflammatory. I will take an Aleve and see if it helps.
So yeah, yet another Wound Care missed. Which also means I did not get a chance to cash all these little checks.
You see, yesterday, I got a stack of envelopes in the mail, all from some place I had never heard of before.
I opened them up and found a bunch of checks for amounts as low as $0.03 and as much as $9.98. 7 checks totaling a little under $30.
How unusual. But it didn’t take long for me to solve the mystery when I spotted the word “Paypower” on the accompanying documents.
What I was receiving was the little bits of money I had left over at the end of the month when I switched from one month’s card to the next.
Mighty decent of the Pay Power folks to be so honest. I always assumed those bits o’ cash were gone forever.
In theory, there should be a metric buttload more of these little checks coming because I was a PayPower customed for WAY more than seven months.
I admit, it will be mildly embarrassing/amusing to go to my VanCity branch and cash all these little checks. But it’s a five week month and I really need the money.
And what the heck, I’m certainly not going to be the first person they see in such a fix.
I’ve also been pretty sleepy today. Another day where it takes a long time for me to get out of bed because I keep falling back asleep.
Makes me feel like I am trying to escape sleep’s gravity well.
On the video game front, I’ve beaten Cryptmaster. Not much of an ending, but whatever, it was a fun and wonderfully weird game to play.
There’s a limited about of continued play value as I have not unlocked all the character’s attacks and memories, so I can continue to fight monsters in order to get the letters to do that.
But meh. I’m iffy on that. For one thing, the game makes it oddly weird to find monsters to fight. I swear, there were a lot more monsters when I was still participating in the plot.
Guess I already killed most of them. Damn.
I also completed the main plotline in Assassin’s Creed : Odyssey. Honestly, the ending did not really feel very climactic. I mean, yeah, I killed the bad guy introduced in the early part of the game, but he was no match for me as an opponent and it wasn’t that hard to get to him and overall I was left expecting more.
And then the coda was basically :
“Isn’t it great that we’re together as a family again?”
“Yes, it sure is. ”
ROLL THE CREDITS
Um… okay then.
But of course, I am nowhere near done with the game. There’s still members of the Cult of Kosmos to hunt down, leveling up to do, and several DLC storylines to complete, not to mention the ridiculous amount of other types of sidequests and such these kinds of games are loaded with.
So I will probably keep playing for a while at least.
And I still have Pathfinder : Kingmaker going. And, ya know, hundreds of games in my Steam library and the rest of Steam at my fingertips when I have the $4.
So I am pretty much set.
More after the break.
The deep down dark
Feeling depressed at the moment.
But not in a bad way. Well, not all THAT bad anyhow.
It’s more like a darkly brooding melancholy. I don’t hate myself or have any inclination towards self-harm or anything.
I kind of hate life at the moment but not for any particular reason. Though I am sure I could come up with quite the laundry list of reasons if I tried.
So I won’t try.
As always, I feel like I am rocking back and forth between darkness and light.
The darkness comes when I have yet another batch of long suppressed black emotion to burn and the light comes when that batch had ended and in its wake I have a precious little space in which I can strive with all my might to learn to be happy.
Because I am more convinced than ever before that it’s a skill. You have to make yourself happy, it doesn’t come naturally. It takes effort, and that’s why depression’s anti-effort bias is so god damned toxic.
Like so many other things. it’s like a muscle of the mind. One you use to elevate yourself without waiting for a priori permission from the real world.
Right now, that’s a struggle I am still fighting. A good working name for this ability to elevate oneself would be “faith” and I still don’t have much of that.
I grasp the principle, and I have for a long time. I even encapsulated it as : “We hope not because there is reason to hope, but because it is better to hope.”
But articulating it and putting it into practice are radically different things, at least for me. To make it come true, I have to dream it first, and then hold on tight to that dream long enough for it to create something lasting in my mind.
Or at least, something that doesn’t instantly disappear when the lights go out.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.