I am at the tail end of another blood sugar burn-down where I feel really feverish but more importantly I can feel my blood sugar crashing and it’s making me, to borrow a scientific term, hyperphagic.

In other words, it makes me REALLY FUCKING HUNGRY.

Thank God I survived another one. It felt like I was in serious peril there for a little while. So I did what any hyperphagic bear would do and ate like crazy.

Ended up decimating the little bit of trail mix (mostly “Omega” from Basse this time) plus a few healthy handfuls of those White Cheddar Cheez-its I mentioned before.

No doubt as to the cause : I did not have my midnight snack last night. That’s because I, to my shame, slept through the usual “getting together with Julian to watch Colbert on the PVR at midnight” period.

I must have forgotten to set my alarm. Because I lay down for a nap after finishing blogging, like I usually do (writing to you wonderful people burns a lot of brain calories), expect that this time, instead of sleeping for like an hour and a half like I usually do, I slept from 9:30 pm to 1:30 am.

That’s four hours of sleep. That’s generally how long I sleep when I get my official “sleep at night” after I do whatever around midnight.

Colbert with Julian, watching Cops et al over zoom with Julian and Felicity, etc.

And I feel really bad about that. I treasure my time watching stuff with Julian. He’s great company and it’s the most social thing I do most days.

Well, that and hanging with the fuzzies.

Anyhow, what matters to this scattered narrative is that I did not eat my midnight snack last night and hence I had another period of extreme hunger, high fever (or something that feels like it), and a horrible draining away feeling that makes me feel like I am going to die if I don’t eat enough.

And I just might.

Clearly, I have to stop being so cavalier about missing meals. What I should have done last night is go to the kitchen and made my usual snack anyhow, and taken it back to my room to eat it while watching a Dr. Gabor Maté video.

Or whatever. But I really do love that guy. He’s a hero to me.

Anyhow, my point is that missing meals is very dangerous to me and I will have to take my meals way more seriously if I want to avoid meltdowns in the future.

And I do. Because they suck. And might kill me.

To avoid skipping the midnight snack on nights when we hang with Felicity, I either need to start doing the hanging with Julian thing after we hang with Felicity, which is unlikely because we’re both pretty tired by then, or I have to get used to going out to make my snack at like 11:30 pm or 11:40 pm so I can eat it while we watch Cops.

Man that show is compelling. I can see why it was such a huge hit.

And in general, I need to take my health more seriously. But that’s a tricky thing for me to do because I don’t want to trigger my latent hypochondria or otherwise give myself things to be neurotic about.

I might just be too fucked up in the head to take care of myself properly.

And that would suck, because it’s not like there’s anyone else to take care of me. Unless I find myself a nice cozy hospital bed to live in for the rest of my life, I am going to be the one in charge of me no matter what.

And yet, fundamentally, I just don’t give a shit about myself.

My childhood was so bad that even i don’t think I am worth any effort, time, attention, money, or affection.

And I don’t know how to fix that.

More after the break.

How to fix that

I will now uncharacteristically pick up where I left off.

I don’t know how to learn to value myself more. I have my list of genuinely awesome things about myself and I know, intellectually, that it all adds up to a pretty amazing dude, and yet deep down, I still feel worthless and pathetic.

Clearly I need to do some deeper work on myself. That message about how less than useless I am got installed more or less from birth but was countered at first by me being the cute little redheaded freckle faced precocious kid that charmed everyone.

But that wore off. Even the cutest puppies still become dogs. And then nobody even wanted me around any more.

That was quite the fall from grace. I wonder if on some level, I am trying to get back to that place where everyone loved me and I was the center of attention wherever I went without even trying.

I did go from being a cute little redheaded boy to being a cute little red-furred fox, after all. One who is funny and charming and sweet and lovable.

`And in some ways, I am more myself when pretending to be him than I am when I am forced to be who I actually ended up being.

Not sure how I feel about that, but it is what it is.

Geez, I just realized I value who I am when I am Fruvous more too. That’s the person I really want to be. Friendly, outgoing, vibrant, with a lot of friends and loads of charisma and appeal. Someone everyone loves.

And, fur aside, it’s not impossible that I could be that person in the real world. It would be a lot more work, especially at first, and I would have to accept that, just like on Tapestries, my charms would not work on everyone.

But if I had a place I could go in the real world where I knew a bunch of people and they were all pretty cool and quite smart, like at Merriam’s, I would be there all the time.

And maybe I could finally actually develop socially, after all these years.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.