I use indecision – that infinite hallway of infinite doors – as an excuse not to go forward in life and stay in my little coffin of an existence instead.
Or do I?
Ha ha ha.
I definitely do. It’s my catchall excuse not to do things, because of course all action requires first selecting an action out of the nearly infinite number of things you could do and then you have to decide which way to do THAT and blah blah blargh.
Yet somehow that infinite crossroads does not keep me from playing video games, or making tons of decisions in the playing of said games, or sitting down here and writing something or other.
That’s how I know that it’s all just more of depression’s usual bullshit. Depressives like myself grow extremely attached to our excuses, and use them as shields against reality that we can raise when anyone or anything is trying to make us grow.
We can’t grow! Growth is change and change is bad! Change is death! We have to remain exactly as we are right now or we will just plain die!
And that’s why we love our excuses, and will defend them with our lives and fight like a cornered rat against supposedly well-meaning people who want to take them away from us just because they’re hella toxic and keeping us down.
That’s why we get so defensive when people try to help us. They’re trying to take away our excuses, and we’d rather die than lose them, because without our excuses, we would have to face the world and like…. do things.
Perish the thought. Tangent over.
The indecision is phony, merely an act to cover rank cowardice. Being stranded in indecision is actually a super easy problem to solve if you actually want to.
Try exploring your options! That’s how healthy people pick a path. They check out their options and go with whatever choice seems right
And if they’re wrong and that road is a dead end, they are bummed out about that for a little while then they back up and try a different route.
And they don’t act like a wrong choice will result in instant death. That’s bullshit too. The world is not made of freaking land mines. Wrong choices suck but they are hardly the worst thing in the world.
And that’s easy to see…. if you actually want to get better and move ahead.
But if you want to keep hiding from reality and rotting away inside as the years pile up and every day your lack of growth gets more and more pathetic, well then the problem is clearly completely unsolvable.
Oh, and making a rash, arbitrary, or emotional decision isn’t the worst thing in the world either. It’s a hell of a lot better than languishing in your artificial doldrums while “waiting” for a decision you know will never come.
The main thing healthy people do is they keep moving forward. They don’t shed their momentum. They keep moving forward and in so doing they learn and grow and change and bloom and become more than they were.
Is that so bad? Sounds good to me. I desperately want to finally leave my chrysalis so I can spread my wings and fly high into the sky like the fabulously technicolor butterfly I am and have always been.
But to get there, I have to kill the parts of me that are holding me back. That’s the little part of myself I have to give up in order to be truly free.
I have to murder my excuses. What’s more, I need to break myself of the habit of hiding behind those excuses in order to avoid life.
That won’t be easy. And I get the feeling I will have to return to this particular crossroads many times before the lesson truly sinks in and I actually change.
But I am ready to transform. I know that I am meant to be is so much more than the sad little broken thing I am right now.
And I am willing to gnaw off a limb if that’s what it takes to free myself.
More after the break.
Oh great, now what?
I feel ill.
Ill enough that my plans to order in tonight just went right out the window. It would be a waste of money as I have negative appetite due to nausea and I am also dizzy and disoriented, so I don’t want to have to make the trip to the door and back.
I might fall.
In fact, I’m not even going to go to the kitchen. I’m going to eat stuff I have here in my room with me and call it a meal.
I hope this straightens itself out before it’s time to hang out with Julian and watch Colbert at midnight.
I’ve felt this way all day. It started this AM when I was taking a leak and felt this wave of dizziness wash over me along with an unpleasant gurgling in that tender area of my gut right behind my navel that causes me trouble now and then.
And I thought, “That can’t be good. ”
But it didn’t keep me from making and eating my lunch today. So I dunno. Maybe it’s something that mostly affects me when I just made that tricky transition from lying in bed to being upright.
At lunch time, I had already been siting here at the computer for a couple of hours, so I had time to get over whatever.
I just realized that I have a weird, hot feeling in my ears, too. Feels inflamed.
Looking back over my childhood, there were a lot of times I was randomly ill in one way or another. And I never did anything about any of it except wait for it to pass, which it always did, and then I just went on my merry way.
I know now that a lot of that was IBS. And it wouldn’t happen that often. Once every three months at most.
I think maybe I just have a fussy digestive system that gets irritated by stuff sometimes.
Ain’t life grand?
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.