Woke up feeling burning hot and VERY hungry.
So once more, I had to do heavy damage to my trail mix supply. There is no way it’s going to last me till I do my grocery shopping Friday, so I am going to have to order in some more supplies from 7-11 when I have supper tonight.
Right now, I have at least partly sated the ravenous beast in my stomach by feeding it my leftover Subway from last Saturday night . And the feverish feeling has faded away somewhat. Still, I could really go for a burger right now.
This is the second attack of these symptoms this week and I am getting pretty worried. This is not at all normal for me. I really wonder what de fug is going on.
Both the hot feeling and the hunger suggest that something metabolic might be going on. Something that makes my metabolism kick into crazy overdrive and burn through a hell of a lot of calories way too fast.
Maybe this is an atypical reaction to low blood sugar? Like my body says, “Oh crap, we’re starving, dump the energy reserves into the bloodstream so we can go out and get some frigging FOOD!”
Eh. Plausible but inconclusive.
Clearly, I am going to need to get my butt to a doctor of some sort sometime soon. Lots of weird stuff has been happening to me lately.
None of it a smoking gun clearly indicating a defined medical problem, of course. I don’t get that kind of clarity. Things are always weird and vague.
But blood sugar crashes are no joke. I think I need to start having a snack around noon. Something with complex carbs and healthy proteins.
A bran muffin, maybe?
The words are not coming easily. My head feels foggy and lost. It’s hard to stay focused on the screen. My mind wants to go back to bed, I think.
But I have words to write first.
Just got up to get more water. Because I am probably dehydrated too. I know I was super thirsty earlier today.
Which is also worrisome, of course, as that is a classic sign of diabetes. But I find it rather hard to imagine my blood sugar being too high when it just crashed.
So it’s probably just plain old dehydration from sweaty, feverish sleep.
I realize I’ve been roof-mending lately. That’s when you use a problem as an excuse not to deal with said problem and then when the problem ends , you’re like, what problem?
Clearly I need to gather my wits and gird my loins and be a grownup about this whole thing and get Julian to take me to Urgent Care the next time this happens.
Doctor Chao is useless on that front (and many others) because it takes at least a week to get to see him and that’s for a phone appointment.
I also need to pull the trigger on going back on antihistamines. I get the feeling a lot of the badness and weirdness lately has an inflammatory component and so keeping my allergies under wraps would help with that a lot.
I think part of me just doesn’t want to admit that I am not doing so well lately. It wants to go on thinking everything is OK and nothing requiring adulting is needed so I can go back to gazing into my own navel and digging out the lint.
And, you know, playing video games way too much.
That’s most of what I do with my waking hours. I just fritter and waste them in a offhand way playing video games.
That’s what I’ve done with my life so far. Played a lot of video games for way too many hours and spent the rest of the time napping.
It’s all such a waste!
More after the break.
Another way out
I am still searching for that middle path in between giving up and putting pressure on myself to escape.
Actually, I suppose I know what the path is. It’s to find and free my inner motivations so that I can approach self-liberation with a spirit of joy and enthusiasm instead of it being something I am trying to make myself do.
Life could be a heck of a lot more fun if I could just learn to relax and go with the flow and embrace my naturally ebullient nature.
Oh, but then I might be “out of control”.
Well then fuck control. So what if I don’t know what I am going to do next? I would say self-control has had a good long run and has been proven to be a dire enemy of my prospering and growing, and it’s time to give going with my gut a try.
Lately I have found myself fantasizing about what a life with a lot less thinking would be like. What kind of person would I be if I let my emotions take the driver’s seat?
Hearty. Gregarious. Impulsive. Probably somewhat shady. Not in an immoral sense – it would still not be in me to hurt people for my own gain – but more in the sense of always looking for the angles on things nobody else sees.
I dunno how many times in my life I’ve seen a simple but novel solution to a problem, proposed it, and had people just kind of stare at me blankly because even though, on paper, the idea is super simple and easy to understand, in practice it’s so far out of their expectations and understanding that it does not fit in their brains.
But back to the actual topic.
On the less great side, I imagine a less thinky me would be obnoxious, pushy, somewhat greedy, and rather self-aggrandizing.
Or arrogant. Or something. Whatever word covers, “clearly thinks he’s hot shit without him actually saying anything”.
Could be worse, really. I think I’d be someone who might well be the life of the party right before getting kicked out of it.
Or maybe I am wrong and I would turn into some professorial type instead.
There’s a lot of possibilities.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.