First thing I would do is open up Task Manager and end all the tasks that I don’t care about any more or that I don’t really need.

I am positive that a big part of my brain fog comes from having a subconscious mind packed to the gills with background processes that eat up my RAM (working memory and clog up my CPU (cognition) and generally make it harder to live.

No wonder I am so confused and lost all the time. My conscious mind, despite all its speed, power, and precision, has remarkably little space to work in

There might be a connection there somewhere.

i will think about it. Subconsciously.

The next thing I would do is a big ol defrag. My mind is like people’s garages or attics. Things are just shoved in there wherever because there is so much storage space and I am sure that I could think and remember a lot more clearly if I could just run a program to move it all into one tightly organized space.

And honestly, as this meatware of mine ages, the need for a better organized mind becomes more acute because I no longer have a seemingly infinite supply of cognitive resources and that means I am really going to need to prioritize somehow.

And I know there’s a lot of junk just lying around like carelessly scattered toys in a child’s playroom right before their parents get mad at them.

That ended up in a weird place.

But that brings us to the most delicate part of this whole metaphor : memories. Once I have pared down my RAM usage and defragged my HD, I would then have to face the daunting task of deciding which memories to delete.

Possibly none of them. As brilliantly illustrated in The Eternal Sunshine Of A Spotless Mind^[1], our memories make us who we are and become the very foundation of our being and our sense of self, and you don’t mess with that just to get rid of memories that are not fun to remember.

Plus, scientifically, our memories tend to be stored in long chains of association and there is no way to know what would happen if you decide to arbitrarily snip out one of those links. The whole chain could collapse and you could end up with huge blank spots in your memories or even total amnesia.

I wonder who I would be then? Certainly nothing like the current version of myself. I think if I had all my context removed, I would be a bright, cheerful, somewhat eager to please man whom people liked but also were wary of because there just seemed to be something a little “off” about me.

And they’d be justified in their wariness because I get the feeling that, shorn of my well established bedrock of morality, I could be a very tricky and unpredictable guy.

I wouldn’t become a raging monster or anything – I don’t think – but you probably don’t want to play games for money with this Fruvous Alpha.

What else can I stuff into this metaphor? I wouldn’t dare try to improve my operating system. The stakes would be way too high. No way to justify the risk.

Besides, all the purging and defragging will leave me with such a massive bounty of freed up mental hardware that I won’t need any runtime improvements.

Hell, even now I have way more brainpower than I know what to do with.

I always have.

I long for tasks that stretch my abilities. But all I have are things to occupy my mind.

And I still can’t be my own parent. Or rather, I already am, and I treat myself just as badly as my parents and siblings did.

I can’t be my own GOOD parent.

After all, I have no role models for that.

More after the break.

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Just who is this Greenwich guy and why is his time so mean?

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Let’s try an Instagram embed!

This never fails to make me giggle.

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by lilykzlaa (@lilykzlaa)

Hmmm. Not much of an embed. From now on I will just link the things myself.

Anyhow, I love that kitty goes smoosh clip. It’s the perfect blend of cuteness and slapstick. Plus the inherent comedy of cats violating their usual dignity.

No wonder the internet loves them so much!

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Lining up the suitors

I’m finally at a point where the end of both Pathfinder : Kingmaker and Assassin’s Creed : Odyssey are in sight and that means it’s time to start looking for my next game.

I have enough Salad money saved up to get a game called Darkest Dungeon that gets really excellent reviews but it looks like this :

And I know that awesome games can have crappy or at least primitive graphics but let’s just say that look gives me pause.

Supposedly the story, system, and voice acting are all amazing. The game has an 84 on Metacritic, which is pretty good, and I will probably end up going with it.

But I am going to play the field for a little bit longer.

I’m so coy and flighty!

Even when I finish the other two, I’ll still be plugging away at Fallout 2. Re-acclimating to that super old RPG feel was a bit of a challenge at first, and I know that there’s no chance I will actually complete the quest my first time through (there’s a time limit – boo!), but for now it’s still pretty fun.

Especially now that I have a cyborg badass named Cassidy in the party. He has very good armor and a shotgun.

Right the fuck ON, motherfuckers!

And I continue to dole out harsh justice with my sharpshooting skills. Which is fun.

So even if I finish the other two games, I will have something to play while I look around for my next gaming love affair.

I’m such a slut!

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.