It’s so frustrating

My PC continues to crash when I play certain games. Grr.

Its latest trick is to let me play Borderlands 3 or Morrowind for the exact amount of time it takes for me to get really into the game and forget it’s going to crash, then crash.

It’s… toying with me, isn’t it?

And like I’ve said before, it really feels like the universe is trying to force me to stop playing video games and do something productive with my life.

And I appreciate the effort but I have a lot of bad wiring – stuffed in wherever and all the same color – to untangled and sort before the logjam in my head clears and I can actually just decide to do that kind of thing.

I keep peeling away layers of mental malfunction by writing on this blog, but sometimes it feels like I’m trying to dig to the center of an infinite onion.

I’m not. I know that. I can easily feel the difference between my subjective reality of today and the subjective reality of even two weeks ago. I know that I am making progress in freeing my mind from its convoluted contortions so that some day soon I might actually be free of myself.

And that means being free of the fear.

Or maybe just not giving a shit about it any more. I dunno.

Lately I have been pondering whether it would be easier and better to just accept that anything useful I want to do will trigger a major dam-burst of pent up energy to immediately dump a bunch of anxiety into my brain and instead of letting that stop me, just going ahead and ignoring all the bullshit happening in my brain.

Just treat the anxiety like an annoying buzzing of my parietal lobe and do my best to tune it out so I can get shit done.

The important thing is to establish that it’s not in charge any more.

But I think it’s about more than that. Like I said when I was talking about indecision yesterday, the anxiety may just be a smokescreen for hiding and/or excusing the fact that my deeper child-self just does not want to grow up.

My greater and more conscious self does. It wants that very badly. The decades I have wasted doing jack shit with myself weigh heavily on me and I very much want to finally learn to fly and become an adult and build some kind of normal life for myself already.

But that’s my outer adult. My inner child wants none of that. Nuh-uh, no siree.

And I think that has to do with a feeling of exposure. That scared little animal at my core has been hiding deep, deep inside me ever since I was raped at the age of 4 and when try to imagine truly leaving the nest and learning to fly, I can feel it gasping and delving even deeper into my mind like a startled cockroach fleeing the light and trying to put as many layers of defenses and excuses between it and the harsh light of reality as it can.

And I don’t currently know how to put a stop to that. We’re talking about a very primal defense mechanism that has been there ever since a stranger’s cock shattered my life forever back in 1977 and that is burned into the very physical structure of my brain and forms the foundation of my entire psyche.

So I don’t know how to convince that scared little animal that it’s safe for it to come out of the shadows and be seen and loved and accepted.

The urge to run and hide is still so very strong. And it’s not exactly rational, so it’s not like it can be reasoned with or talked out of anything.

There has to be some way to get it the love and healing it needs.

I am open to suggestions.

More after the break.


Just gimme money

You’re right, Barrett. After all, who needs love?

So there I was, all ready to do my once a week ordering in tonight, which is a Wednesday night. But then my deep caution/paranoia kicked in, and I decided that I really should check the balance on my credit card first.

And it’s a good thing I did, because I’ve only got $127 left on there. And my grocery budget is $60/week, and there’s two weeks till next Deposit Day.

And groceries are the one thing I absolutely must pay for with the card because I order my groceries online.

If I couldn’t, I would have to go back to making up a grocery list and handing it to Julian so he can go shop for me in person, and that stresses us both out, I think.

I know I don’t miss it. Thank God that DoorDash does groceries now.

Then, because my financial paranoia had been activated, I counted my cash… and I came up $50 short. Should have had $190 in bills, had $140.

That triggered a full on panic attack. Patient readers know that my financial and emotional states are intimately linked and I was freaking out.

Luckily, I hadn’t dropped a $50 bill somewhere, it was just stuck to another bill. Phew!

Then I go to take my Wednesday night meds…. and there are my Wednesday morning meds sitting there pristine and untouched.

So apparently I completely spaced on taking my fistful o’ meds this morning.

It’s way too late for it now. All I can do is take those now surplus meds and find an empty pill bottle to stick them in and move on.

But this has not been a good day for me.

Of course, all the computer crashing didn’t do anything good for my nerves either.

Of the two crash test games. Borderlands 3 and Morrowind, Morrowind is the one that crashes fastest. Which is ironic given that it’s ancient.

I may try turning down the graphics settings. A galling thought, given what a monster Mister Computer is. but he’s a monster with a bad heart (power supply), so here we are.

It can be surprisingly stressful to be me.

Imagine if I actually had a life!

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.