I’m all sleepy today.
It feels subjectively like a bunch of latent sleepiness was lying around in my brain chemistry like a glacier and a big chunk of it calved off and floated to the surface.
If so, it’s probably ultimately a good thing because I presumably really need the sleep and now I will be catching up on it.
Whether I want to or not, apparently.
i know what triggered this iceberg of somnolence : this morning I was having back pain issues so I took one of my muscle relaxant pills.
Hadn’t felt the need to take one in at least a month, probably more. So there’s at least one thing in my life that has actually gotten better.
Dunno what triggered the back pain. Knowing me, the root cause is probably digestive, although I haven’t eaten anything unusual or troubling to my guts lately.
But my bowels don’t need a reason to get cranky. Maybe they’re just bored.
Had wound care this morning. Yes, on a Monday instead of the usual Tuesday. I am on the Mondays and Thursdays schedule for this week for some reason.
Something to do with the upcoming Remembrance Day, no doubt.
Good thing Joe mentioned this change in routine last night at Denny’s because it was the first I’d heard of it.
Eh, nobody tells me nuttin’. For some reason people sometimes find me difficult to approach even though I am super nice and very reasonable and friendly.
It probably has something to do with my big personality and charisma and the way being my audience can be quite draining for people.
Not because they’re bored or anything. Perish the thought.
But because it’s an intense experience of something kind of like heightened reality. And that can wear a person out.
It’s what makes me a compelling orator and performer but it can be wearying on a one to one personal level, I imagine.
Meanwhile, it’s very windy out, which means that my room is cold. For some reason, whenever it’s seriously windy, it sucks the heat right out of my room.
My windows probably need to be insulated. But that would be a huge hassle. I’d have to move my desk back in order to get at the big big window it sits in front of, and that would require getting a whole lot of cords coordinated and stuff moved, and then I would need to be able to stand up long enough to seal things up with thermal tape.
It would not be easy, is what I am saying.
So I guess I’m just going to be cold. I felt it most in my hands. They do not like being cold and they make that fact known in no uncertain terms.
And it’s not like I can type with mittens on.
Oh well, it makes for good hibernation whether. Maybe that’s the real reason I am so damned sleepy today.
My body wants me to go to sleep for the winter.
Luckily, I am not quite that ursine.
That’s not an option for me given how often I need to pee. And while deep, restful, relaxed sleep is very important for mental and physical health, I am still not willing to wear a catheter to achieve it.
Those things weird me out. They’re not painful, it just feels very weird to have something going up into your bladder through your penis and into your guts.
As one might imagine.
Oh well. At least a cold bedroom makes wriggling in under the covers feel nice and cozy. And I am all about that cozy vibe.
It’s one of my favorite vibes!
More after the break.
On being real
Reality is such a commitment.
I mean, once you’re real, that’s it. You’re stuck with it. You can’t go back to pretending that you don’t exist.
You’re real, you’re there, and you’re just going to have to deal with it.
Of course, what I am really talking about is not being real but being seen. I’ve spent the vast majority of my lifespan locked away in my bedroom where nobody can see me and therefore I am not around anyone who wishes I did not exist.
In other words, my family. That’s where the pattern was set. It’s clear to me now that my belief that everybody hates me and wishes I would just go away and die and never come back started with a family that saw me as an interloper in my own home.
But it was never really my home anyhow. Just the place I was least unwelcome.
Even now, at the tender age of 51, this feeling of constant unwantedness plagues me even though I know in my mind that it’s entirely baseless.
My friends love me and love having me around. They’ve never given me reason to think otherwise. Yet even sitting here all by myself in my bedroom, typing away to you lovely people, I feel like I am not supposed to be here and that people wish I would go away forever so they did not have to deal with my contemptible pitifulness ever again.
Yes, even now, I never feel like people actually want me around or are happy to see me.
My mind knows that’s not true but my heart still feels that way anyhow.
And there’s no direct way to make myself stop feeling that way. All I can do is keep chipping away at that glacier that sits upon my heart and keeps me from feeling loved and sending love down to my sleeping inner child in hopes of convincing him that it’s safe to wake up now.
And that everyone wants him to be here and is glad to have him around and happy that he came into their lives.
I think he’s maybe afraid to feel that way. Afraid to believe it. Because if he started believing that and then it turned out not to be true, it would kill him.
It would crush his little heart.
Plus, if he started believing he was wanted, then he’d be stuck being real.
And reality is such a commitment.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.