And I don’t think it’s entirely psychological.

I think there must be something physically wrong with me that makes it so hard for me to stay focused and pursue my best interests, and so much easier for me to just keep going the way I always have.

Just making it through the day.

It’s this feeling of fading away. LIke the vessel within me that is supposed to hold the energies that would drive me to explore my options and expand my life is so weak and fragile that it ruptures almost instantly if I try to fill it.

And what worries me is the possibility that it truly is rooted in the physiological and I just haven’t noticed because I’ve been like this for so long that I no longer have any sense of how I should be feeling.

Maybe there’s something wrong with my heart. It certainly feels that way sometimes. That would certainly explain why I feel so weak and fragile and timid all the time.

Or maybe it’s my nerves that can’t handle even the slightest strain. I dunno.

But it’s entirely possible that I am so scared of the world for reasons that go beyond lacking character and backbone.

I know that I’m sick of it. I don’t want to be weak any more. I don’t want to have to hide away from the world and keep my mind occupied by video games so that I don’t sit an think about my disastrous life.

I want to be robust and healthy and strong. I want to be able to tackle my issues head on and be able to just keep hacking away at them till they collapse under their own weight and disappear forever.

Instead, I am a weakling who has to stay in this shapeless, formless mode most of the time where I just float down that long dark corridor like a leaf on a river and all that awaits me in my future is debility and death.

And I feel so helpless, and oppressed by all the things I “could” be doing except that I don’t have the wherewithal to do much of anything.

I don’t like where I’m headed but for some reason I just can’t steer.

I mean, I don’t even know where I want to go.

Out, I guess. Away from this squalid squatting in my pigsty of a room and into a life where I can feel competent and strong and capable and worthwhile.

I want a life I can be proud of, instead of always cringing in shame on the inside. I want a life where I can provide for myself instead of being entirely reliant on the government and the kindness of my friends. I want to feel strong and happy and proud

And maybe my barriers are entirely psychological. That doesn’t mean I will somehow magically learn to pull myself up by my bootstraps and learn to be a man some day.

I will just have to keep on digging to free myself from this deep dark hole I fell into decades ago when my parents pulled me out of university.

And that got so much worse when I discovered Skyrim,

I wish I could just reboot myself and start over. Or land a rich boyfriend who pampers me as I dote upon him, like Leona Helmsley did.

Anything to escape this timid treadmill of mine where I can’t even paddle my own canoe except for those rare moments when the biochemical storm in my head randomly abates long enough for me to feel normal for a little while.

There’s got to be a way out of this mess.

And I will keep on looking till I find it.

After all, it’s not like I’ve got anything better to do.

More after the break.

---

I dwell in darkness

And not just because we’re approaching the Winter Solstice.

As you can possibly tell from the previous section, my mood today has not been great. I’ve slept a lot – looks like it’s time to pay the sleep debt again.

And that can drag my mood down sometimes.

But it feels more like I just have emotional trash to burn. The negative emotions have accumulated once again and it’s time to vent them so they can go away.

The only cure for emotions is to feel them, after all.

So right now I feel pretty low. There’s a grumpy feeling smoldering under the surface of my mind and it’s making me feel like glaring at somebody.

As out of character as that would be.

I mean, I’ve been talking about it for over a decade now, yet anger is still one of my biggest issues. I know that I have an enormous lake of molten rage buried deep in the subterranean layers of my consciousness and I know that it’s one of the major source of my psychological pain, but I still can’t bring myself to vent it as often or as thoroughly as would be best for me because I fear the consequences.

I’m so afraid of the monster that lurks within me. He’s a brute and a lunatic and a liar and I really don’t want to turn him loose because there is no guarantee that I would be able to rein him in again afterward.

I might just be having too much fun being evil to stop.

All I know how to do is vent it all here now and then. And I apologize for subjecting my friends to that. Just know that it helps me enormously to be able to get my negative feelings out and that I usually feel a lot better afterwards.

It’s kind of like throwing up in that sense. I have something toxic in me that has to come out and there’s no neat and clean way to accomplish that, so emotional emesis it is.

Come to think of it, that’s a good word for how I feel today : toxic. Like there’s something nasty brewing inside of me and soon it will all come out.

So um, things might get a lot darker before the dawn, folks.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.