In other words, video games.
Beat the main plot in Morrowind for the first time ever a couple of days ago. So that was cool. I killed the fuck out of Dagoth Ur and destroyed his god-machine robot and saved the people of Vvardenfell from the Blight and there was much rejoicing.
I didn’t get a huge sense of accomplishment, I don’t know why. Maybe because they didn’t build up Dagoth Ur as a character at all. He was just a name connected to the bad shit going down until that final confrontation. So there was no real sense of having overcome a difficult foe.
The game did try at the end, though. He got a couple of villain speeches off before I killed him, including the requisite “join me, Luke Skywalker” type speech even though that was totally not actually possible.
Someone should make a mod where you can do that. I mean, morality would dictate that if you do that, it would be game over, but still, it’s nice to have options.
I’ve started a new character and started exploring quest mods and such.
The Twilight Zone
I’ve just realized that the scam I have been pulling on myself involves something I already knew about, the fact that I live in a state that is literally and metaphorically never very far from sleep. but what I didn’t know till now is how I use that to keep from ever having to actually do things.
Like, for instance, that third lesson.
This is going to be hard to confess, which is why I’m doing it.
The way the scam works is that I convince myself that I can’t get things done in the morning because I’m too tired and I can’t do them in the evening for – reasons? – so I am totally going to do them tomorrow afternoon!
Bullshit. You’re going to sleep for most of the afternoon and play my vidya games for the rest of the time in which I am not blogging.
The time I really should be setting side for non-gaming non-blogging activities is between around 3 am and 8 am, which is when I am most active.
But of course, that would cut into my video gaming time, which is somehow both incredibly precious and very plentiful at the same time.
A long long time ago, I can still remember how that music used to make me smile…
(It’s a reference to this. – Ed. )
Ahem. What I meant to say was that a long long time ago, I sank deep into the world of Skyrim and its galaxy of mods, and that’s when video games officially took over my life.
I stopped eating meals out in the living room with Julian like we’d done for years. I ate in front of the computer instead. Still do.
Heck, for those first few days, I didn’t eat, drink, or sleep at ALL. I must have entered some kind of hypomanic state because for a while, I really felt like I had somehow transcended physical limitations and did not have to do that shit any more.
In other words, I was delusional.
And that’s when the addiction took hold and displaced everything else in my life. My life became a video game playtime optimization exercise and it’s been that way for so long now that I barely remember the time before that when I might not have been any more functional but at least I did a variety of things with my time.
This addiction has hollowed out my life by jealously monopolizing all my free time and refusing to let me do anything else.
Including that third goddamned lesson.
I feel so very, very lost.
More about addiction
When I so much as ponder going without playing games for even an hour of potential game time, I get this feeling like a cold wind blowing across my soul.
As if I was some infinitely delicate creature who will perish if exposed to so much as a mild breeze from the world outside my gaming so-called life.
Now obviously, this is insane. I could throw this computer out the window and move to a yellow yurt in Yalta and I would be fine, at least physically.
The withdrawal would be a bitch, though.
Life without screens? Is that even POSSIBLE?
It’s not that drastic, anyhow. I don’t need to leave all screens behind in order to get my life moving. I just need to develop my ability to step away from the gaming for an hour or two a day so I can get other things done.
I mean, I already do it for blogging. It’s not like the entire time I am blogging to you fine and wonderful people I am mad jonesing for my next fix of Morrowind.
I suppose on some level, I am looking forward to going back to gaming after, But for the most part, tippity tapping on the keys for you folks keeps me occupied.
And that’s the point, I suppose. Keeping this massive mental mansion of mine too occupied with meaningless activities of no consequence for it to get bored and start picking apart my sanity or having it decay away like an unstable isotope.
And of course it strikes me how limited a life that is. I’m sure that there must be tons of other things that could keep me safely distracted. It’s a matter of opening up to them,
But such is the nature of addiction that it does not allow for competition. My addiction simply MUST have every waking hour to itself or it will pitch a fit.
It’s a distressing and disturbing way to live and I know I would be a lot better if I could just let go of the LCD teat of video games long enough to gather some meaning for myself and do things that might actually be good for me.
Maybe I should look on each departure as a little adventure. And like all adventures, you are happy to go out and happy to return as well.
And who knows. Maybe it will turn out that productivity is addictive too.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.