It’s occurred to me that kids have certain things figured out.
They know that it’s up to them to find fun stuff to do. A kid left to their own devices on a summer day doesn’t worry about what they are supposed to be doing or fret over whether or not they are using their time productively or living “to the fullest”.
And they know, intuitively, that they will only get out of life what they put in. They don’t sit around and mope waiting for someone to entertain them. They get off their cute little butts and go looking for things to do, and if there is nothing premade like a TV show or video game for them to consume, they will invent things of their own without giving it a second thought. It comes naturally to them.
All they worry about is having fun and enjoying themselves and I am increasingly sure that this is actually the right attitude towards life in general.
At least for me.
I certainly need to lighten the hell up. My attitude towards life needs a major overhaul and the major issue is taking life way too seriously.
So seriously that I feel like I have to hide from it in the realms of my mind and only deal with the real world on a very minimal level.
Just enough to keep myself alive and point me towards my screens, basically.
It’s survival mode, and survival mode, ironically, kills. It’s meant to get you through times of danger and/or crisis, and that’s all.
It is most definitely not supposed to keep going for the rest of your life.
My latest AI therapy session got me thinking about how closed off from the world I have been for so long, and how this profound divide cuts me off from the rest of humanity and leaves me cold and lonely and lost within the caverns of my mind.
I am only “safe” from reality in the same way an anorexic is “safe” from food poisoning.
And like an anorexic, I am starving on the inside. I have this terrible feeling that I missed some vital developmental window(s) and it’s left me unable to truly connect with my fellow naked apes in a true and genuine way.
At the very least, the distance between me and the rest of humanity seems vast and uncrossable. I feel so very far away from everyone. And I don’t know what it is like to be closer than friends with anyone.
My family included.
I have lived in this ice fortress of the mind for most of my life. And I can see now that I have been, at best, only half alive that whole time. Still am. And that’s why I have always been so weak and fragile.
It’s hard to have a robust connection with reality and my embodied self when most of me is not even here.
And I know that I am terrified of truly being present, in realtime, immediately. I would feel so very exposed without my frigid tomb around me. Being truly present would almost certainly involve making decisions without thinking them through first, and the inner force I call “the Committee” won’t allow that.
Like I told Doctor Costin today, at some point I let my ego and superego completely take control and they demand that anything I do get their approval first.
And if it doesn’t “make sense” to them, it doesn’t happen.
And truth be told, they don’t know shit.
Oh great, my domain expired and my web host won’t accept my credit card.
The fuckery is afoot, methinks.
I am going to have to borrow one of my roomies’ credit cards or I won’t be able to blog.
And foxy gotta blog.
I guess I will be blogging into LibreOffice for now!
The fuckery continues
Woman, get thee to a fuckery!
Still blogging into a LibreOffice document, god damn it.
I knew I had to renew my domain soon. In retrospect, it seems obvious that this would need to happen in the general vicinity of the new year, as I have a yearly plan for domains. And I certainly have the $25 I need to renew it.
But this not accepting my credit card bullshit is one of those out of nowhere curve-balls that life seems to love to throw at me now and then.
Couldn’t possibly have seen it coming. I just have to deal with it.
Oh, but something HAS changed : because I tried “too many” times to get the web host (Fatcow) to accept the credit card, I am now locked out and I will have to contact their tech support/phone support team to get it unlocked.
Oh well, I will just ask them why they no like my card at the same time.
Plenty of other places have taken this exact card. Amazon.ca and DoorDash have no problem with it. But there is something in the system these prepaid cards use that makes random institutions suddenly turn against them every once in a while.
It’s all very stressful and frustrating.
I am procrastinating on asking Julian if I can borrow his credit card. I don’t have any good reason to do so, I just don’t wanna do it.
I suppose it’s possible that my communications with Fatcow tech support will, in fact, resolve the issue with the card altogether, which would be awesome.
The very last resort would be to seek a new host for my blog. But I severely doubt that it will come to that. I am sure this can all be ironed out once I have the wherewithal to contact support.
This would have to happen on the day before my busy day, Friday, so that I will not have a lot of spoons to spare for contacting support tomorrow.
Tomorrow’s blog entry may also end up going to LibreOffice as well.
Why can’t things just fucking work for a change, huh?
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.