Time for me to get super pissed off about it being a five week month again.
The worst part is that I was right. Last night I got to thinking along the lines of, “Well, I have $120 leftover from last month (mostly due to Xmas money), and there hasn’t been a five week month in a while… ergo…. ”
So I asked Microsoft Co-Pilot to calculate the number of weeks between deposit day for this month (Jan 15) and deposit day for next mont (Feb 19) and sure enough, there are five weeks and a day between.
Meaning I am going to have to use my Xmas money to pay for my basic expenses on that last week. Son of a bitch.
There goes my Xmas gifts!
Good thing I still have that $200 on my Amazon.ca account from my sisters. The government can’t steal that at least. I still haven’t decided what I am going to get with it. Maybe just a whole bunch of books.
Actual, physical, real books. On paper and everything.
What can I say, I’m an old school bibliophile. I love books, not just the words in them.
Just did the calculation. I will have $155/week this month. Normally I have closer to $200/week. Le sigh.
Like I always say, it’s not like I’ll starve or get evicted or anything. I will be just fine. Depending on how expensive my groceries are in any given week, I might even be able to afford to order in now and then.
But this still pisses me off. It would be so simple for them to simply increase the non-shelter portion of the check by 25 percent in months like these in order to reflect the fact that we will have to live 25 percent more days on the money.
Makes sense, right? But we’re just a fairly limited number of helpless cripples, so what are we going to do about it?
No matter where you go, there are predators hunting the weak.
I think the worst part for me is the feeling of actually being ahead for once only to have that money snatched away by this five week bullshit.
It just seems so cruel. For me, disappointment is always far, far worse than mere deprival and this shit is as disappointing as substandard fuck.
To be honest, I should probably plot out the whole year in advance so I know when the five week months are coming way ahead of time and then they at least won’t come as a shock to my system.
But that sounds depressing. Or maybe irritating. You can never tell with me where that particular die will fall. Not any more, anyway.
It used to be depression each and every time. But as I have plodded down my long road to recovery, I have become more and more capable of anger and hence more capable of being in a bad mood.
It says something about my somnolent state that crankiness and irritability is actually a sign of progress because at least I’m frigging engaging in basic self-protection.
That’s what anger is for after all. Defense of self and others. To become angry, therefore, is to take an active role in defending your own wellbeing.
And I am still new to this whole “taking an active role in my own life” thing. For decades I have been all wrapped up in myself and withdrawn and completely disengaged from reality except as mitigated by my screens.
And you can’t row your own canoe when you’re like that. I’ve been locked in a rictus of passivity for so long that I find it hard to even imagine being truly alive again.
It’s so much easier to just keep drifting towards the grave.
Not better. Just easier.
More after the break.
A greater bandwidth
That’s what my emotions now have access to. Both frequency and amplitude have more room in which to operate, although it’s the amplitude that is more noticeable.
My emotions are LOUDER.
And it’s not all fun. I have a lot more “bad moments” lately. Moments when the sadness or anger or anxiety or emotional coldness seems to surge and I have to struggle to maintain my equilibrium.
Although I dunno. Maybe equilibrium ain’t all it’s cracked up to me. Maybe I would be better off if I just let myself fall so various energies could sort themselves out instead of constantly rebalancing this house of cards I call my mind.
But like all my talk about unleashing the flood within and seeing what still remains after the waters recede, it’s probably not going to happen. I don’t think I can just throw stability out the window in hopes of a brighter tomorrow.
It’s more realistic to keep hacking away at my issues and waiting for that tipping point.
And I can feel it coming on. This emotional awakening of mine from the lowered Paxil dose is loosening things up enough for me to feel more confident and self-assured or even downright cocky, and I am going to keep encouraging that in myself in hopes of eventually taking a huge ego trip to actual employment.
And I’m taking you all with me!
I did some poking around on FlexJobs recently but everything there, despite their ads, seems to require some form of experience and/or certification.
Which is a huge bummer for someone like me.
As an aside, I think we need a legal definition of “entry level” because a lot of employers out there seem to be extremely unclear on the concept.
Anyhow, as usual, I was far too easily discouraged. If I had hung in there and kept looking, maybe I would have found something.
But I didn’t even last half an hour. Le additional sigh.
It’s gotten me back to thinking about needing to invent my own job. Which at this point in my life pretty much means becoming a YouTuber.
Or maybe a Vtuber? That’s a YouTuber who makes videos with an avatar, either a 3D modeled one like for VRChat or just a serious of pictures in various expressions and poses to kind of get the idea across.
It’s almost like paper puppetry but without the paper.
I’m divided on that option. On one paw, it would make sense for me to start by using an avatar in order to kind of ease my way into things.
And hey, I could get closer to actually being Fruvous!
On the other hand, like I have said before, the product is my personality more than anything else and I can best express my irrepressible personality as myself and all my megawatt charismatic wonder.
I suppose there’s no reason I can’t do both. Do furry and furry-adjacent stuff as a Fruvous avatar and everything else as lil ol me. I know I can make that work.
Because you know what? I’m a star, baby. A great big shiny star.
And stars gotta shine.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.