Had my abdominal ultrasound this morning.
The procedure was no big deal. Ultrasounds are easy. Lie there, hold your breath when the imaging tech tells you, occasionally turn to one side or another.
Fasting for eight hours beforehand was unwelcome but doable. Originally, when I booked the appointment, the lady on the phone said twelve hours, and I said, “Um, no. I am diabetic, I can’t go for twelve hours without eating. ”
So we plea bargained it down to eight. Eight I can do.
But the appointment was for 8 am. so me and Julian couldn’t do our usual hanging out at midnight because that would mean eating after midnight and I’d turn into a Gremlin.
Wait no…I’d just have eaten too late for me to have gone eight hours before 8 am.
Easy solve : we just did our usual hanging out at 11 pm instead.
Getting up that early was a bit of a pain. For one thing, it was really fucking cold. And in general, I don’t like to have to deal with the real world before 10 am.
I’ve never been the “sleep all day” kind of night owl.
In fact, I am pretty sure that a detailed analysis of my sleeping patterns would reveal that I am not so much a night owl as a nap….. toucan.
I couldn’t think of a parallel.
But I have gotten better over the years. Patient readers know that I went many, many years without being able to sleep for more than an hour and a half.
And that sucked so bad. Rotten for my health too, both mental and physical. And yet I acted as though there was nothing I could do about it.
I’ve been pathologically passive for a very long time.
All because of that damned Paxil, too.
Speaking of which (sorta), also did the Therapy Thursday thing. Doctor Costin told me that he doesn’t put people on Paxil any more. It’s actually a very old drug now, and there are better alternatives with fewer side effects.
Now he tells me. I’ve been taking the stuff for more than 20 years. 20 years of going on and on about feeling cold inside and talking about Midnight Tundra and bemoaning the iceberg sitting on my poor little heart.
And blaming it all on my depression when, in fact, it was my antidepressant.
God does irony seek me out.
Ah well, at least I am thawing out now due to the lowered Paxil dose. In around three weeks, when I get my next batch of blister packs, the Paxil dose will go from 40 mg except for 2 days a week at 30 mg to three days a week.
I am looking forward to that. I feel so much more alive now. I was talking about thawing out a fair bit with Doctor Costin and how I feel like it’s going a lot faster now and how I am striving to become more actively engaged with reality and closer to the people in my life and to take charge of my own wellbeing.
To that end, I keep gently reminding myself that I have the ability to steer this beat up little boat of mine and I can actually go out and find my fun and other things that will enrich my life and help me to stay connected with reality.
Living in the world of the mind is hell because without the id to anchor it, the mind is not a stable place. It’s a land of flickering illusions and sinking sands and random drift, and nothing feels real, not even yourself, and you’d sell your soul for a bit of solid ground to call your own.
I’m working on it.
More after the break.
One more day
Just one more day until Fruvous’ Very Busy Week is over.
I will kind of miss it. I could handle having one “thing” a weekday, although I would prefer they weren’t all some form of medical appointment.
Those are rarely fun, and never good news.
Oh well. After tomorrow I can try to implement some self-motivation. I’m coming to realize that I can, to a certain extent at least, choose to be motivated.
I can gather my inner strength, take a big breath, and fill myself with energy from my largely untapped id, and let that wave of energy carry me forward.
And that’s where things get meta, because then I have to ask myself if I want to want to do things or not.
I won’t commit to an answer to that right now because I feel like I am in a state of transition between the old, weak, timid. cowardly, cringing way of approaching life where I spend most of my time curled up in a little ball ignoring the world and into a new, strong, courageous, bold way of living where I wander the world with my head held high, looking for fun new things to do that will make me feel alive.
Very important, that feeling alive thing. I have spent far, far too long subconsciously choosing to damp down all feelings of liveliness in order to make doing nothing easier.
Ain’t that a boot to the nuts.
Above all, I’m going to learn to get excited about life. To find and hold on to things I can look forward to and if one of those doesn’t pan out, don’t wallow in my feelings of disappointment, just feel it all then go looking for something new to take its place.
Life is nothing to be afraid of. I can embrace it and learn it and live it and be all the better for it. I don’t have to keep hiding from it like a hunted animal.
Nothing is out to “get” me. I have no predators. People who know me tend to like me, in fact, and want me to be okay.
I should show myself at least the same level of consideration.
And I will learn to truly care about, and for, myself. I am free to stop repeating my neglected childhood and give myself the love I never got back then.
I can grow that missing inner resource that pushing to change things requires.
All it takes is love.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.