And live again.
Did the Therapy Thursday thing today. Managed to completely forget it was happening today until I literally had Doc Costin on the line, but whatever.
I’m really good at just rolling with that these days. I don’t need to “prepare” for Therapy Thursday. Just put the phone in my hand and watch me go.
At least today I had an excuse for forgetting therapy was coming. I had Wound Care in the morning and did my monthly banking after that.
My nurse’s name was Lana. She told me that when we first met. I was glad because I am still too shy to ask them myself.
I am such an odd little critter.
Speaking of which, I talked with Doctor Costin about my recent revelations about how my attention can be like being in a spotlight and sometimes people just do not want to deal with that shit.
The tragic irony is that I pump out so many lumens because I am so desperate for attention and validation. So when I am finally getting some, I turn up the Klieg lights and put on a big show.
And being my audience that way can wear people out. I try way too hard. So I need to learn to dial it back a tad.
Or go the total individualist route and say, “Fuck that! I’m not going to hide my light under a bushel just because some people think it’s too bright! I am going to keep on shining brighter than the sun and if they can’t handle it, fuck’em. The people who CAN handle it will be my friends. So there!”
That sounds good and all, but I feel like I have missed out on a hell of a lot in life because of my absolute unwillingness to accommodate others and insist on being ferociously and completely myself at all time, so I might wanna dial THAT back too.
As hard as that might be for me to do.
I also lamented all the developmental stages I have missed in my weirdly intellectualized life. From having no interest in toys or the jungle gym at the park nor having had an imaginary friend or a stuffed animal I carried everywhere or a security blanket or any of that all the way to not doing pretty much any of the “normal” adolescent things like falling in love super hard, seeking sexual partners, developing an extended friend group, and all the rest.
I missed pretty much all of that. Mostly I was alone. No friends, no attention at home, no mentors or guardians or wise elders.
I more or less raised myself. With the help of my only real friend, television.
And the truth is that I don’t even know how to mentally encompass what it means to have completely missed out on almost all of the important stages of psychosocial development. 99 percent of common wisdom would say that such a thing is flat out impossible. That surely I must be exaggerating for dramatic effect. Surely it is not possible to somehow not grow up like a normal kid by that wide a margin.
But nope. I am living proof that you can miss the bus on a normal childhood entirely.
And I wonder if I ever stood a chance of being normal. I mean, I learned to read when I was 3. That is beyond weird. And like I said, no toys, no imaginative play, no imaginary friend, none of that.
I was a very strange child even before the sexual assault.
Maybe I was simply born to fulfill a very unusual destiny. And that demanded that I have a very unusual life.
My strangely isolated and detached life has certainly given me a unique point of view and a clarity of thought that can be extremely powerful.
Plus, ya know, massive amounts of raw talent and a gargantuan intellect.
Who knows, maybe I will even find a way to make that shit pay some day.
That would be nice.
More after the break.
Our convenient era
I just wrestled with trying to order something from DoorDash for 45 minutes, and lost.
Admittedly, the mail culprit and instigating irritant which is the fact that I had $22.69 left on this month’s credit card and as it turns out that is an impressively useless amount.
It’s just barely not enough to be able to order a normal fast food meal. Couple more bucks and I probably would have been able to do it. But no.
So my attempt to order me some Subway bombed. Subway is where I usually go when I am low on dough and if things had worked normally that would have worked because my usual 12 inch Cold Cut Combo would have worked out to a bit over $20.
But sometimes the system does this fun thing where it returns an “insufficient funds” error when the funds are, indeed, quite sufficient.
I think it maintains some kind of $5 buffer or something.
So then I thought I would get some stuff from 7-11. Good ol 7-11, always there in the pinch when you need to eat cheap.
But their DoorDash site was all fucked up. Another place where most of what I wanted to order was mysteriously missing.
I shudder to think of what I will be dealing with when I order my groceries tomorrow. Lord knows what’s still on the shelves these days.
What’s worse, the Hungry-man sub I had in my basket disappeared while I was looking for other things.
So then I decided to try those new kids in these parts, Circle K.
Also a weirdly limited selection but not as bad as at 7-11.
So I put a few things together and the total is around $13. OK, no problem, right?
I go to pay and suddenly the total is $28 freaking dollars?!? What the hell?
Apparently Circle K has a $5 delivery free IN ADDITION to what DoorDash charges.
Well fuck THAT noise.
So, no ordering in for me tonight. The money left on my card will meet the ultimate fate of all uselessly small remainders and end up on my Steam account.
And I’m just out 45 minutes of frigging aggravation.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.