Linked here as a reference of my reference.
Anyhow, on with the show.
I read a quote once that said something like, “after each work is finished, there is that little dissatisfaction that is the seed of the next one”, and that’s certain how I feel about these videos I have been making.
I’m not satisfied with what I have been putting out. I’m not declaring all my recent videos to be utter crap or anything, but I want something more out of them.
Maybe it’s time I mounted my soapbox and did a big rabble rousing speech about bringing the billionaires down.
Billions of us, hundreds of them, and so on.
That sounds like it might scratch this newly hatched itch. Get my passionate beliefs behind my oratory prowess and hope to really reach some people.
The political climate seems right for the rousing of the rabble, n’est-ce pas?
I could see myself becoming a Malcolm X type figure. I am certainly in a very, very “by any means necessary” mood right about now.
It’s going to happen. The oligarchs and plutocrats ARE going to get the hell out of the way of democracy and the will of the people. Consider that writ in stone, assholes.
How much damage you take and how bloody it gets is up to you.
Just remember the odds. Your private security forces and your high tech alarm systems and your helicopters aren’t going to do a god damned thing to save you if the people are out for your hide.
Because we’re the one with the tanks, bombs, and rocket launchers.
And the numbers, obviously.
Now where was I? Sorry, I got into firebrand mode there for a minute.
I really feel French when I get like that.
As indicated in today’s vid, did the therapy thing today. 2 pm on a Wednesday instead of the usual 1 pm on Thursday.
My therapist has travel plans this week. Whatever. I am fine with moving the appointment around if there’s a good reason.
It’s chaos and uncertainty that bother me. Moving an appointment is a matter of going from one certainty to another.
That said, if he did this all the time I would get annoyed pretty fast.
I told Doctor Costin about how I am trying to warm myself up inside and thaw myself out so that my emotions can flow and through that find their own level.
We also discussed my cerebral escapist tendencies and how desperately unbalanced they have left me.
I escaped being raped when I was 4 years old by retreating into the depths of my mind and in truth I have never fully emerged again.
Even when I was a schoolboy, I was dealing with reality as little as I could get away with. I would read books while walking to and from school (not recommended). I would spend my time at home watching TV or reading or playing video games. At school, I escaped the boredom of being way, way. WAY ahead of my class by escaping into the world of my mind and thinking about stuff.
I still pass the time that way in places like waiting rooms. It’s great because I don’t actually get bored until I have caught up with the backlog.
Where is my mind today? I totally forgot that I wasn’t done with this part yet. The mind fog rolls thick today I guess.
Now I am sitting here about to eat supper when the lunch half of the day’s blogging ain’t done yet. How embarrassing!
Oh well. Onward and upward!
More after the break.
Absence of mind
I try to make light of my absentmindedness but the truth is that it can be very scary.
Because it erodes your whole confidence in reality. In the back of my mind lurks the constant paranoia that I am forgetting something important. On a subjective emotional level, I feel like everything in my umwelt could vanish at any moment. Just wink out of existence because my attention was focused elsewhere.
No wonder I feel like my focus is never where it’s supposed to be. Like I am always looking in the wrong place at the wrong time.
My gut says that is somehow related to my inability to multitask.
It must also be part of my general background of anxiety, as well as my tendency to rely on routine to keep my shit together.
I don’t have to wonder what I am supposed to be doing if I do the same things at roughly the same time every day.
I would benefit greatly from some kind of assistant whom I could trust to be, essentially, my extended memory. Someone who is good at keeping all my details in their head and at the ready so that I could feel secure in the knowledge that I’m not forgetting anything.
That would be such a load off my mind!
As is, I can only do what any of us can do : the best that I can. I try hard to keep the important things in mind and when I screw up anyhow, I say oops and make whatever apologies I need to and do my best to get over it with a minimum of excoriating self-loathing and recrimination and all that jazz.
I joked recently on a BlueSky thread that my absentmindedness is at least one third of the reason I’ve had to develop an endearing personality.
People are quicker to forgive you if you’re both sincere in your apology and cute.
I’ve always pitied those people who can never admit when they’re wrong. Like my late father. That seems like such a terribly limiting way to live.
I am no paragon or anything but I apologize right away, every time. I can’t imagine doing anything else. Not only is it the right thing to do, it gets it over with before it can hang around and fester.
And whatever it is, I do genuinely feel bad about it. It’s not performative.
I dunno, I just try hard to be a good person.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.