It was supposed to be rap lyrics, but whatever.

Don’t mean to be crude, and
With all due respect
When the perfect pink girl
Decides she wants sex
She’s not the honey sweet virgin
Or Daddy’s little girl
When she wants a big man
To rock her little world
All those ribbons and lace
Kept her pent up inside
So when she finally left home
She went buck wild
She was burning up down there
Which is why, at her peak,
She was sleeping with a dozen different guys a week
She wanted to try every man in town
It took a pregnancy scare
To get her to slow down
And so the pretty pink princess
Is gone for good
And she’s got a reputation
In the neighborhood
But it seems like she finally satisfied her whim
And now she’s looking at her best friend Doris and thinking, “Hmmm. ”

There’s an AI music generator called Mureka^[1] and I wrote those lyrics to try it out but when I went to create an account it turned out I already had one and I had used up all my free credits so I couldn’t make the new song.

So I decided I would get a paid membership. What the heck, it was only $10/month USD (so a hair under $14 in real money) and for that I would be able to render 400 songs, as well as a lot of neato features I’d never seen anywhere else, so I figured I would give it a shot.

But they wouldn’t accept my credit card, so fuck’em.

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Anyhow, here’s today’s vid.

The feeling of brain congestion has eased some since I recorded that, so I guess it really was dehydration or whatever.

I was pretty worried there for a bit. Visions of early onset Alzheimer’s or something even worse were dancing in my head.

And that would be so unfair given all the mental exercise I get!

But no, it turns out I was overreacting, like I often do. I honestly think my body and brain just need the excitement now and then.

I’m high strung. I need something to get super excited or totally freaked out about on a regular basis in order to burn off all that excess mental energy I generate.

I am learning to live with that. It would be better to turn that overcharge into excitement or even happiness, but I don’t have the knack for that yet.

Oh well, flipping out for no good reason every now and then isn’t the worst crime.

More worrisome, for now at least, is these pains I have been getting in/on my head. They are brief but pretty intense and I am wondering WTF.

So far there’s been three. So, not panic worthy yet.

Luckily, they are at the surface, just below the scalp, so I am not worried about this having a totally different cerebrospinal implication or anything.

But all three have been in very different locations, and they definitely don’t feel like a skin thing, so I am still wondering WTF.

They’re like a toothache of the skull. And that can’t be good.

A few more and I will definitely consider a trip to Urgent Care or the ER. It’s some pretty serious pain so this is one thing I will not ignore.

In general, I only go to the ER when I’m scared. It’s not smart, but if I went to the ER or UC every time my health did something weird, I might as well move in.

Most of the time it’s just dehydration anyhow.

More after the break.

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Growth and pain

Growth – real growth – pretty much has to hurt.

At least if your psyche is as rigidly structured as mine. When I pulled myself together after my psychological meltdown in my early 20’s, I create a version of me that could function at a very low level – and that’s still the version of me that is running 30 years later – but in order to create that version of me, I had to install a sort of exoskeleton to hold myself together given what my life had become.

And like a lizard having to shed its skin as it grows, I have to more or less break myself open to let myself grow now and that is bound to hurt.

But I don’t care. Pain like that means very little to me any more. I want to grow and thrive and rise and if pain is the price for that, so be it. Bring it on.

I’m learning to weaponize my innate stubbornness and it’s glorious.

So I am having my bad moments. Moments when I feel confused and anxious and like I don’t know what is going on any more.

But I do. The feeling fades and I remember that I am fine and nothing bad is happening and I can just relax and feel safe.

Well I can try anyhow. High strung, remember. Truly relaxing would probably require a much, much bigger expenditure of effort than I am used to doing and I am very much still adjusting to the whole “effort is not the enemy, idleness is” shift of POV.

I know I have to make myself do more so I can drain the curse that is frustrated energy out of my body like squeezing poison from a wound and that means overcoming this absurd tendency to be a miser when it comes to effort.

As if that’s something you can hoard. It’s not like being idle or aimless now means you can be super energetic and purposeful later.

Rather the opposite, in fact. Lethargy is a disease and the more you feed it, the more it grows and takes over.

I’m going to try to shake that shit off and bring myself to life once more. A life where I have hope and ambition and a life to lead.

Cold sleep is over. Time to wake up and run this starship of mine.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.