To be honest, I could have spent all afternoon doing it. It was an exercise of will to stop myself because I was having so much fun.
Here’s the result :
I love getting to be funny with people.
Anyhoo, like the last time, this compilation of clips was the result of me prowling around my backup of my HD from a very long time ago, back when the Earth was bright and new and the wine flowed like water and Donald Trump was just some guy.
And I look fresh and new too. Partly because back then we lived next to a mini-mall with a barbershop in it and thus my hair was actually kempt for once.
But also because I was younger and cuter and more energetic.
And I had no idea that by eating like a fucking idiot despite my diabetes I was wrecking the future for myself.
Or rather, intellectually I knew that I shouldn’t be eating like that but because it didn’t feel like it was hurting me at that time, I ignored it.
Even when I got blood sugar result that stated I might as well have cold maple syrup in my veins and my legs were being devoured by cellulitis and I was still like, oh well, shit happens, thanks for changing the bandages on my ENORMOUS WOUNDS that I KEEP PICKING AT, nice nurse ladies.
I am so ashamed of how I was back then. And what a nightmare that must have been for my poor roommates.
I’m so sorry, guys. Knowing me can be real gross and weird sometimes, I know. Especially with my warm sunny personality telling such a different story then my often shockingly terrible life circumstances.
What can I say? I’m broken.
Anyhow, another thing our little clip trip above reminded me of was that I am a genuinely cute, funny, charming, wacky guy.
There’s nobody out there quite like me. I’m a bright and shiny original and I have a surprisingly large amount of screen presence for someone so shy and I could totally make a YouTube star of myself by personality alone.
All that AND a genius level IQ AND creative talent out the wazoo?
It’s really too much. But then again… so am I!
I still need to be reminded of all that a lot because while my self esteem is stronger than it’s ever been right now, there’s still a lot of darkness and negativity inside me and these little daily ego trips of mine are my attempt to erase that shit, drive it out, send it off to oblivion where it belongs.
Because I am freaking amazing.
And I am still making the transition out of the darkness and into the light. I’m getting over being afraid to even be alive, seeing as I was never supposed to be, and I still need encouragement to live out loud, take up space, draw attention to myself, demand my fair share of things, and be ready to fight for my right to be.
Against who? My inner demons, mostly.
If there was an actual person outside of me attacking me it would be a lot more fun.
Like I was telling Doctor Costin during Therapy Thursday today, I have gone largely unopposed in life. Nobody ever told me I wouldn’t amount to anything or told me I wasn’t talented or otherwise forced me to fight back against them.
I mean, how far could I go with nobody to spite?
Only now do I feel ambition growing within me and with it the desire to prove myself to the world and show everybody just how freaking awesome I am.
And get myself some god damned money! And respect!
Especially for myself.
More after the break.
To finally level up
Like I told Doc Costin on the phone today, getting a job would let me finally become an adult. A real, honest to goodness grownup.
And that would truly be like evolving into a higher life form for me. The good it would do my self-worth and confidence is inestimable. I honestly think that if I secured solid employment, this whole nasty thirty years of nullity would disappear behind me like fog and I would at very, very long last finally begin my life, and I would be happy.
Or at least a more respectable form of sad.
So why don’t you devote every waking hour to making that happen?
Because it’s not that simple. Not for me, anyhow.
Something being highly desirable does not automatically come with the motivation to make it happen. As it stands, I am still living my life the bad old way, spending my time hiding from the world in video games, blogging, making videos, et al.
But even that has improved. At least when I spend hours on BlueSky, I am, in fact, in communication with other human beings, albeit through the safe medium of text.
I write tons of comments there, as well as on YouTube. So even on that level I am not entirely cloaked any more.
And sometimes people even comment on my YouTube videos these days.
And those people can actually see me!
Maybe in the long term, I could even do the ultimate activity for shut-ins : live streaming! Me and an audience, together at last, in realtime.
I am a little worried about overwhelm on that one, though. I hope people would understand if a creaky old Gen X fart like me can’t keep up with the comments.
But I could see having a lot of fun hanging out, answering questions, talking about whatever is in my mind, and just soaking up the attention in general.
What can I say… I may be a fox but I’m still a ham.
And deep inside I am still that little kid trying to get people to pay attention to him. Fewer things could bring me more joy than making an audience laugh and feel good.
As long as they then fuck off, because baby, I’m gonna crash.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.