Don’t give too much thought to that title, because I sure didn’t.
Anyhow, I did a song.
Because seriously, doing all those individual text objects is SUCH a pain.
Admittedly, part of that comes from how incredibly fussy about timing I am.
I could just plop the whole lyric sheet into a single scrolling text object and be done with it. But no, then the words wouldn’t line up with the singing properly, so I gotta do all these individual text objects and oy.
Offhand, I can’t think of what else I would put on screen while the song plays. I suppose I could be like my guy John Michael Godier and use the same much of stock footage clips for most of my videos.
But that would be lame. No offense, JMG.
I could also, of course, hunt down a whole whack of images and clips that go with the lyrics and do a montage of those.
That would also be a whole lot of work.
And I have the terrible feeling that I would still feel the need to put my beautiful lyrics on the screen anyway because watching stock footage can be boring.
So I dunno. I think I might have reached the limit of what I can do by myself. Anything more elaborate and/or higher production value will take a team.
That’s definitely part of my YouTube dreams : to be one of these YouTubers that makes so much money off YouTube that they can pay entire squads of people to work on their videos for them.
Like, there are YouTubers who employ an animation studio with like 30 employees just to make their animations. All they have to do is write them and record the voiceover.
That seems like Heaven to me. And the VIP part of Heaven. Heaven Plus, if you will.
The premium service is worth the price for the concierge alone.
It would be so nice not to have to do everything myself. Of course, money is only one part of why I work alone.
Another big part is being a big under-socialized weirdo who doesn’t play well with others. I honestly do not want others involved if they are going to slow me down. I would hate it if I couldn’t move forward on something because I am waiting for somebody else to do their part of it.
Fuck that. I will do it myself. Badly.
So if I did have a studio, I would have to develop a relationship with them where I can just give them my part and then trust them to do the rest.
And I do not trust easily. Especially when it comes to other people’s competence.
Which is odd, because thanks to dyspraxia et al, I am not competent in most physical ways myself. Which is sad.
But the sort of competence I don’t trust in others is things like being able to stay focused on a goal, solve problems with common sense and creativity, being able to keep the big picture in mind, and other such busybody things.
Which means I would make a pretty good manager. I’d take all that on mysef and then my workers could concentrate on just doing their job well.
Maybe I should run my own studio. Hmmm. 🙂
Went to physio today, which I was dreading because I had to admit I had not been doing the exercises my physio Ekta had assigned me last time.
Forgot all about them. D’oh.
This time, I am going to try to make them part of breakfast. I will stand a better chance of remembering them if I attach them to something I already do.
And I don’t currently have anything I do during breakfast. So what the heck.
It was a bit depressing how much doing the very simple exercises she was teaching me took out of me.
Not a surprise, but still sad.
More after the break.
I hate my stupid fucking life
Yeah, we’re back here again.
I tried to scratch this particular itch with that song above but I guess that was too indirect to get the job done so, fuck everything everywhere eternally.
I feel cranky and unstable. This straitjacket of a life is so fundamentally pathetic and radically unfulfilling and filthy and stupid and humiliating and disabled and lame.
I want – I need – so very much more than this. Nobody should have to lead a stunted half-life like mine. I have so much human potential locked up inside me itching to get out that it’s a wonder that I haven’t gone completely berserk yet.
I’m not meant to be so limited. I’m a genius, I should be flying high above the crowds and creating spectacles and wonders and showing the world what an incandescent wonder I am, not rotting away in this shithole of a bedroom as death looms ever closer and every day makes my inability to get anywhere even more humiliating.
I am so ashamed of how my life has turned out. I’m such a loser. Even other losers look down at me because they have at least had jobs, or work some McJob, or have some other way of being some use to society.
But no, I am a rare breed of total fuckup that hasn’t even really tried to make it. I’ve made some ill fated attempts at securing employment more than 20 years ago and since then I have been a burden and a drag to the rest of the world.
And I struggle, but I don’t get anywhere. All I ever really do is dick around pretending like I am making progress without ever really doing anything of substance.
And all because I am so damned scared of everything, especially that big bad world out there, that I am compelled to hide in video games all my free waking hours rather than spend one precious second having to figure out what I want to do.
I’m sick of it all and I’m sick of this life and I wish I could just slip my skin and run away and become a completely new person, with no baggage, a suitably non-pathetic synthetic backstory, and no way for the unspeakably awful demon that is the truth of who I really am to ever catch up with me.
I just want to be normal.
I just want to have self-respect.
I just want to be a grownup.
But I can’t even manage that.
A generational intellect and talent and no way to do anything with it.
Man, I really am a loser.
And there’s nothing I can do about it.
There. Hopefully that’s enough of a discharging of negatives for now.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.