Well, I made another vid. But I’m not really happy with it.
Here it is :
It’s not a bad video by any means, I just feel like I didn’t say anything that really needed to be said or contributed to the discourse at all.
I just said stuff that presumably dozens if not hundreds of other commenters are also saying about yesterday’s festivities.
Someone once said that at the end of creating an artistic work there comes a “little dissatisfaction” with it that contains the germ of the next creation.
I’ve been feeling like that a lot lately.
I really do want to be a big time YouTuber, and I know that if I wanna do that, I have to raise my game considerably.
Even other commenters have more than just them talking. They at least have clips of the things they are talking about.
And I totally could have done that today. I could have gone onto YouTube and found clips of the squeaky tanks and lazy pissed off looking soldiers marching like they’re teenagers forced to go on a family trip and Trump falling asleep and it would have made my vid a lot more interesting.
I mean, my magnetic personality can only hold people’s attention for so long.
I could have done all that, but I didn’t. I tried looking for the sorts of clips I needed but couldn’t find them and gave up.
Like I so often do. Le sigh.
Well that’s my little dissatisfaction and it will inform my next vid and the one after it and so on. That’s the thing with my brand of iterative learning.
Things get better over time as I do them more and more. That means that things are rarely as good as I want them to be right away, but if I just keep making a video a day, I will get better, and so will they.
It is unfortunate that my particular muse makes me learn in public. I have to keep putting things out there for the world to see or the whole process would grind to a halt.
I could never be the lonesome artist making video after video as he prays for the day he finally makes one worthy of being shown to the world.
Nor could I be the person who has to make things as good as he possibly can, until he literally cannot thing of any more ways to improve it, before he releases it to be seen.
I can’t do that. I truly wish I could. But the nature of my creativity demands frequent release of its energies into the world in order to clear space for the next thing.
Holding on to an idea long enough to perfect it would be impossible for me. My creativity blazes hot and fast and I either use that ball of sparks it creates or it dies and I will never return to that idea because to me, it’s dead.
Just writing that out makes it seem insane and impractical. But sadly we don’t get to choose our muse.
If we did, I would not have chosen that one.
But it is my firm belief that truly great art comes from doing whatever your muse asks of you because it’s the only one you’re gonna get so it’s use your muse or lose your muse.
Hope I didn’t confuse.
And I am getting better at listening to mine and letting the inspiration move me. I know that if I just release the damned emergency brake and let myself become motivated, I can lead a much more interesting (and interested) life and make truly amazing things.
But I’m scared.
More after the break.
On showing off
That is most definitely something I like to do.
And it’s definitely an ego thing. I tried to deny that for a long time, mostly because in my pre-secondary school career people kept accusing me of “just showing off” by being so academically bright, and to me that was a null set because I was just being me.
But looking back, even then I was actually showing off. I wanted to shine bright and have people go “wow, he’s amazing!” and get some positive acknowledgement that I was, in fact, extraordinary.
And maybe that’s what “should” have happened. In a perfect world someone, anyone really, would have showed up to tell me that I was very gifted and that good things could come to me in the future if I tried just a little bit harder and made me aware of the possibilities inherent in my gifts.
Instead it was, by default, something that seemed like a lot more burden than gift.
Oh great, I get to be bored in class for six hours a day.
All through my school years, I never thought of myself as showing off because, I suppose, I didn’t think my academic gifts were particularly noteworthy.
After all, it was all comically easy to me.
And so forth and so on throughout my entire life. It’s only been within the last decade that I have become dimly aware that being incredibly good at school, to the point of being a straight A student without even trying, might actually be worth something.
Hence that being a perennial subject on this here blog o’mine. I have to keep reminding myself of this fact until it sinks in deep enough that I actually do something with it.
You know, like go back to college and use my academic superpowers to get a degree and scholarships and recognition and such.
I could do it via distance learning. Attending classes via Zoom works for me. I’d rather do them in person but my handicaps make that tricky.
I ain’t going back to Kwantlen though. That place is an education mill.
And hey, if it’s distance learning, it could be any school in the world!
And I guess school would be somewhere where I could REALLY show off.
Hey, I made it back to the topic!
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.