So this is what swam to the top of the tank when called today.
I think it turned out pretty good for something I improvised.
But then again, that’s one of my many strange superpowers, isn’t it? The ability to improvise my way through a speech that almost sounds rehearsed.
I feel like it must be related to my ability to get an A on a test without even studying. Some part of me has this uncanny mental agility when it comes to knitting the parachute after jumping out of the plane.
So to speak.
And that is so not the person I thought I was going to be. I thought I was going to be the Taurus ideal : a sane, sober, practical person who plans things out carefully, including contingencies, and then executes said plans firmly but flexibly.
Instead, I do things by the seat of my pants.
Which is the total opposite of that.
And yet, somehow, it works for me.
I know that I could never be a devil may care rake who never sweats over the practical things in life. I sweat plenty.
I will always be the kind of person who can’t rest until he knows those material things are taken care of.
But as patient readers know, I have been struggling to fit what I am actually like into that picture and have been forced to deal with the fact that some of us can’t live like that.
No matter how much we might want to.
Instead I have a deep need to be spontaneous and fresh and that is fundamentally incompatible with drawn out detailed planning.
Or much planning at all, really.
And yet, again, I somehow get away with it. I make it work. I start a video with only a vague idea of what I want to talk about and get my thoughts out without, ironically, putting much thought to it at all.
And like a lot of writers, sometimes I don’t even know what I think until I write or talk about it. It’s like writing is how I perform the Jungian magic of taking the unconscious and making it conscious, thus articulating it so that the rational conscious mind can examine it and test it out and integrate it into the greater mind.
As a gifted communicator, it is my great fortune to be able to articulate what I am doing in a way that might just help other people by articulating their thoughts for them.
A lot of people need help with this level of articulation, and that’s where people like me come in, if we’re lucky.
I keep returning to the idea of taking my videos to the next level by tapping into the great orator inside me and making big stirring inspirational speeches.
Or at least trying to.
As patient readers know, my personal history contains tantalizing hints that I might just be a truly mesmerizing orator.
If so, then I really “should” be using that gift to aid the side of the angels. But I guess I have always been kind of afraid of that kind of power and the free-flowing state of mind I have to be in to access that oratory prowess.
In that mode, I truly don’t know what I will say, and that scares me to death because I might say something that gets me canceled like a bad check.
I suppose I could take the whole, “I said what I said, so fuck you” stance of the true rebel. Tell everyone that I speak from the heart and that isn’t always pretty. Make snide remarks about hurting people’s precious little feelings.
Nah. I could be an outrageous pundit but not in quite that way. I would definitely be taking a lot of unique and controversial stances, and really challenge the status quo, but I would never want to be “that angry guy”.
I want to be the guy the media always goes to because my take on things is always fresh and new and different and really gets people talking.
Yeah. That’s the life for me.
But first I have to get the fuck out of my own way.
Isn’t that the eternal struggle?
More after the break.
A nice quiet day
That’s what today has been compared to the previous three days.
All I had today was Therapy Thursday. I recounted my week so far to my therapist Doctor Costin, then rambled on like I usually do, unspooling various thoughts of a psychological variety in whatever order they occurred to me.
As you can see by today’s video, shot directly after getting off the phone with the good doctor, one of the things we discussed (well, I discoursed) was my thoughts on clarity and its pitfalls.
I am glad that I have now had the thought, “what’s so bad about not being able to think clearly?” so that my subconscious mind can chew on that bone for a while.
Which means I might write about it again if I make some progress.
I’ll try to keep you posted.
Right now I am thinking mostly about the coldness of it all. How I have kept my interior world so god damned fucking cold (Midnight Tundra) at least partially in order to maintain this god damned “clarity” like my mind is a lens made of ice that can only be perfectly clear if it’s incredibly cold.
Well fuck that. Geez. I’ve been cold and clear for a long assed time now and it’s left me broken and bizarre in a hostile wasteland without vital force for too long.
Fuck cold and clear. I am willing to give warm and confused a try.
Because like I keep saying, coping with the world that way must be possible because as far as I can tell, it’s how like 75 percent of the world gets by.
One of the perks of having godlike intelligence is it allows you to mentally misfire in ways mere mortals could not even comprehend.
So my quest, or at least part of it, is to learn how to deal with the world on a less “logical” basis. Less thinky, more feely.
And that means tunneling down into the hot living core of my being so that its heat can thaw me out and make me real again.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.