But I am not that happy with it.
Here it is :
I mean, I am not saying it’s a bad video. Not at all. In fact, it’s perfectly fine and compares well to my earlier vids.
But I am more ambitious now and I feel like in that vid I didn’t really say anything.
Oh well. Onward and upward. Tomorrow’s vid will be better, and the next day’s even better, and so forth and so on.
Honestly, I think the real problem is that I have really raised the bar for myself with some of my recent videos. I am particularly pleased with my message to the oligarchs and my call to libertarians. I feel like I really made something special with those ones.
I feel like I am really stretching my abilities and that’s a wonderful feeling. And I know that I am nowhere near my limit, so I am excited to see what I do in the future.
Maybe I will do stuff people actually notice!
That’s not fair, I have a few semi-regular commenters. Someone must be watching the dang things. And, of course, you, dear readers, watch them too.
But I want to be a real player in the pundit game. And for that I would need a big platform with a big audience, which would of course require self-promotion.
I think I’m getting closer to being able to do that. I am increasingly confident in the content I am creating, and that’s a very good sign. Some time soon, when I get the visuals to go with me talking happening, or otherwise satisfy myself that my content looks somewhat professional, I will be in position to promote it in earnest.
The thing is, I think I could be quite good at self-promotion once I get started. After all, it doesn’t have to be me talking about how awesome I am.
It can be me talking about how awesome my content is, and that’s way easier.
And I want to make the sort of stuff that commands attention. That libertarian vid is a good start. I made that specifically to challenge certain people and make them angry in a very specific and hopefully productive way.
Alas, so far there’s not be a single badly spelled and incoherent comment of outrage.
Maybe I’m not trying hard enough.
Maybe I should post it to a Libertarian subReddit. Heh heh heh.
My point, and I do have one, is that I intend to provoke. Not for its own sake, but to force people to think about what they believe and why, and to maybe goad them into a higher state of enlightenment by the time honored tradition of pissing them off.
Don’t laugh, the path to enlightenment isn’t always meditation and koans and mysterious advice from zen masters.
Sometimes it’s a dirty old beggar telling you to eat hot turtle snot.
In other words, sometimes it’s someone wise enough to know what buttons to push to cut through the usual daze of daily life and really activate a person.
That’s the trickster’s job. To wake people up. To elevate their minds. To make them truly think and by doing so, bring them closer to enlightenment and peace.
Some medicine tastes very bad.
I was thinking about analogizing physical and spiritual ailments and how life would be so much easier if you could just stick your finger down your throat and barf up all those old traumas and suppressed emotions that are poisoning your mind and spirit and then leave them all behind in the toilet.
One flush and you’re unburdened forever. Woohoo!
And who knows, maybe some day we’ll be able to do that via a drug like ayahuasca. All that psychological garbage gone, as well as a week’s worth of lunches.
Puking seems like a small price to pay for emotional emesis.
More after the break.
To live better
Better than I could provide for myself, and that’s the rub.
One thing that came up during Therapy Thursday was the impossible define category of what I “can” do.
Because there’s all kinds of things that I can, technically, do. Wonderful, life-affirming things like cleaning up my room and getting Julian to help me spend some time outside and investigating all kinds of online jobs and distance education and so many, many more shining and glorious possibilities.
And it would be such magical advice if people were to tell me I could do these things. And I would, of course, agree with them. I “could” do them.
But I won’t.
To me, such charming suggestions belong to that vast universe of things outside the walls of my inner fortress that I can see and I know about and could tell you how to use and everything, but that I have no connection at all to personally.
That stuff is all Out There, and I am stuck In Here, and there is a rip in the fabric of space/time between those two that feels insurmountable.
That’s the really brutal penalty to being so catastrophically withdrawn. I am so tightly wrapped up in myself that I can’t reach out to do even the simplest of things that it totally seems like I “can” do.
But can I? It doesn’t feel that way to me. Like I said, I will totally agree that it is something I “could” do.
But ask me if I will. The answer is, mostly likely not.
The motivation just isn’t there. It doesn’t matter how much you argue that I could and should do thing X. I’m not even arguing with you. I could and should do it.
But that in no sense motivates me to do it.
You can even tell me how much better I would feel if I did it.
And I will again agree. I probably would feel better IF I did it.
But I’m not gonna. I wish I could, if only to make the people giving me advice happy. I hate that I disappoint them over and over by seeming like I am doing to do thing X but then never ever doing it.
It’s not that I don’t care what you say or don’t love you for saying it.
But the traumatizing truth is that you, too, are Out There. And I’m In Here.
And I am so very sorry that this can make things so cold for you.
That’s the last thing I would ever want to do to someone I care about. I want those I love to feel warm and welcome and wanted.
That’s why, to me, the worst thing about my mental illness is when it makes someone else suffer instead of just me.
God, being crazy sucks.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.