Did not have as much time as usual to make a vid today so I just yakked about whatever was on my mind at the time and this is what came out :
Now that I am thinking about it, I think I did talk about that stuff in video form at least once and maybe more in the past. Oh well, not about to make something new.
Ya get what ya get with me, I’m sad to say.
Been worried about something that has popped up before, a long time ago, and that has made a highly unwelcome return.
Sometimes, when I lay down, I get an attack of shortness of breath as my body shifts to a lower level of activation.
If I stay calm and wait, things go back to normal fairly quickly. The whole thing lasts less than five minutes. But those are some freaky and scary minutes.
If it keeps happening, I will have to tell Doctor Chao about it as it definitely feels like it could be a heart issue and you don’t fuck around with those, especially when you have the extensive history of heart disease I’ve got in my family background.
In fact it’s hard for me to talk about it without triggering a full on panic attack in myself due to my morbid fear of suffocation brought on by my untreated sleep apnea.
Which is also a big problem, of course, and one that I can’t see myself doing much to correct any time soon.
I could tell Doctor Chao that CPAP does not work for me but he would probably just tell me to go try it again because any other option might involve him having to talk to other doctors and that’s way too scary and hard for him.
I could make an appointment with Doctor Sheri, my sleep apnea and diabetes doctor, whom I have not seen in years now because she keeps leaving it up to me to make the appointment despite my telling her that’s a bad idea for me.
Do not leave me to my own devices because my devices suck.
And now that it has been this long with no contact with her, I face the additional substantial barrier of having to explain why it’s been so long, and for someone with social anxiety like myself that’s a real dealbreaker.
Funny how something so small could create a wall that tall between me and what I know I should be doing.
But knowing what I should be doing doesn’t mean much because extremely little can motivate me to do much of anything out of my rigid routine and my long term non-immediate health does not even make the top 100.
Another factor in my day today is that I have been very sleepy. To the point where I start to doze off while typing to you lovely folk right now if I pause for too long.
This has been a problem for a few days now, although mostly it strikes at around 10 am and makes me go back to bed for more Z’s.
Today, it was making me drift off at the Kinsmen. That was a little embarrassing but thanks to the warm embrace of Xanax it did not bother me much.
I am sure nodding off is a fairly common occurrence there.
Still, if I am having oxygen issues, they might be related. OR maybe my body is just being stressed out by the heat and I just need to hydrate.
I have no fucking idea.
I am singularly unqualified to look after myself.
I should start small, with something low maintenance. Like a pet rock, or a ficus.
More after the break.
Dragged over the rocks
That’s the somewhat melodramatic way I feel right now.
I keep telling my therapist about feeling “rough” but I don’t think I have properly conveyed what exactly I mean by that to him.
And he’s not here right now and you are, so I’m gonna tell you.
It’s this psychological feeling of tenderness and abrasion, like my mind and soul have either been dragged over rocks or newly born or, I suppose, both.
It tracks. I am going through a slow, painful psychological transition at this point in my life and so in that sense I definitely am being reborn, albeit at a glacial pace, and so it makes sense that it’s left me feeling rather raw inside.
That’s been the main long term noticeable effect of my lowering my Paxil (paroxetine) dose over time for me. As the dose lowered, the feeling of rawness intensified, and I am now at the point where I don’t think I want it to get any worse for a while.
That could be the wrong call. Maybe if I just keep leaning in and lowering the dose, I would finally make it through this rough patch and pop on through to the other side of it as a changed man.
Maybe I am capable of spiritual transformation after all, even sans religion and mysticism and so on.
But for now, I do not want to rip off that psychological Band-Aid just yet. Maybe in a month, I will reassess and decide it’s time to go down another notch.
It might be worth feeling even more “raw” if it also leads to things feeling more real and getting better access to my full range of emotional responses, even the healthy ones.
Oh right. Today at Kinsmen was especially good because I was more social and present than ever before and it went quite well. I got along fine with these “normal” people and enjoyed their company and managed to resist the urge to disappear into my phone or a crossword for like 90 percent of the time.
Which is what the Xanax is for, really. To let me have positive social interactions that can overwrite those bad old tapes from my childhood and give me something more wholesome and connected and current to draw upon.
I can’t wait to see what I find when I go further down this lovely road.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.