Today, due to my computer being weird, I recorded my video straight to TikTok with my phone instead of via my webcam on my PC like usual.

The following is the result :

It’s high time I mow my beard, I think. It’s reached a ludicrous level of shaggy bushiness and I look like the patriarch of some fucked up tiny religious sect that practices bigamy and incest up some mountain somewhere.

Anyhow, I think I come across pretty good given that it was just me talking into the camera on my phone. There’s one spot where I could have edited out a stumble before I put it up on the YouTube but I left it in because it adds authenticity.

And I’m lazy. That’s always a factor.

I am glad I have now tested the TikTok to YouTube pipeline. Luckily it was quite simple. There’s websites you can use to download stuff off of TikTok just like there’s ones to download off of YouTube.

I have also finally remembered that I can “favorite” stuff on the TikittyTok so I have been favorite-ing the really good stuff I see.

I mean, check this shit out!

Like I said in my comment, instant like and fave! I mean, it’s a cute animal singing an awesome metal song from the 90’s.

That’s so “me”!

And speaking of which, here’s a kickass Asian rocker chick shredding the fuck out of Master of Puppets on her violin.

Aw HELL yeah. She is freaking awesome. She even has a proper heavy metal facial expression. She’s so awesome that, gay as I am, I kinda want to fuck her.

A little. Not really. With me, attraction to women always ends when the clothes come off in my mind.

I love your beautiful soul and brilliant mind, dear, but um…. not the plumbing. Sorry.

I’m sure it’s a perfectly lovely vagina, but I am not, as of this moment, into that.

I always hold out hope that I will one day evolve into true full bisexuality. It would be more in line with my trans-materialist nature where, to me, people basically are who they are on the inside and the outside doesn’t really matter.

Which is remarkably mystical for a rational materialist like myself.

The difference is that I understand that the “truth” and power of a metaphor does not make it a physically real thing.

Hence my thoughts on God and love. Both are equally “real”.

Also, God is not love. Love is God. Remember that.

What else have I got… let me see…

Oh right, there’s this bit that I thought was utterly brilliant.

It really shows what you can do with just a camera and some friends if you have enough imagination and understanding of comedy.

It’s exactly the sort of fast paced, high density, hilarious content I want to make some day. Just get together with some fun folk and do silly shit like that.

Maybe when I am just a little bit saner.

I will have to confirm that links like those work in our Zoom meetings so I can share all this awesome stuff with my friends.

Oh, and I absolutely love this guy. Warning, it’s quite long, but totally worth it.

He’s cute and dorky and funny and I am totally in like with him. I want to cuddle him up like the adorable muppet he is and help him save animals.

Oh right. He loves animals too. Enough to want to build a shelter for them with his bare hands. And I totally get it.

My social issues make me do stuff all by myself too. At this point, I honestly can’t imagine collaborating on things with other people.

It would be so much slower and less certain and messy!

I might be able to handle it if it’s the sort of thing where I can do my part then just send it off to someone else to do their part and so on.

Collaboration without the need for cooperation, I suppose.

I am such a mess!

More after the break

---

What starts with an X and ends with… an X?

I felt myself becoming anxious about Spuug^[1] coming over soon, so I took a Xanax.

And this is a good step for me. I was emotionally self-aware enough to feel the problem coming on and had the forethought to head it off at the pass, so to speak.

Good for me. This is how I will slowly learn not to stumble and fumble (and crumble) my way through life like I have no idea what I’m doing.

This “innocent waif” thing has gone on long enough. My survival does not have to rely on being appealingly helpless and clueless. I can and WILL get my shit together so I can feel good about myself and not have to rely on others so much.

I know that nobody is complaining about how much of a burden I am, but there is still such a thing as pride and pride begins when you can stand on your own two feet and face the world without fear or shame and find a place and a way you can contributing and start being a real live legit grownup at long long last.

Some day I will put all this heinous and pathetic bullshit behind me and become someone I can respect and the whole of my life up until then will disappear in the rear view mirror and I will finally be free.

Until then, all I can do is keep hacking away at the walls that bind me, trying to break on through to the other side… or maybe realize I’ve been out there all along.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.