Or would I? Ain’t that the eternal question?
I’ve often thought about exactly how much or how many of my “powers” I would give up to not be this sort of tragic and ridiculous thing any more.
To be competent, in my own internal lexicon. To be a real person with a job and a “third place” and his own place and money and the ability to maybe, just maybe, relax about money a little bit.
When you’re poorer than the average dirt, money is a constant concern. Odds are that if you don’t think about money, it’s because you have enough of it.
Anyhow, my point – and I do have one – is that I think about what I would be willing to trade in order to become life competent.
Not that anyone’s offering to buy my talents or anything. This is a purely theoretical exercise meant to help me think through some stuff.
It’s a hard nut to crack because my gifts are all I have in this world. Being gifted and talented represents my only value to the world and society and the fact that mental illness continues to keep me from contributing to my fullest is absolutely tragic.
So pondering some sort of cosmic exchange where I can let some of my giftedness go in order to be able to make way better use of what I have left makes me feel like I am Jack the Giant Killer of beanstalk fame trading his cow for beans.
But the only cure for my terminal case of rotting on the vine is to get up and get moving and generate my own life momentum, and to keep on investing effort into my own betterment until this ancient life of mine actually starts moving.
And to do it not knowing how long it will take or how much effort will be asked of me or where the journey will take me.
My depression absolutely hates that idea. It still has me at least partially convinced that I need to be a miser with my personal energy, even though I know in my head that if anything I need to spend it like a sailor on shore leave with expensive tastes.
And I am trying to get there. I keep telling myself that my energy needs to come up and out and shine for everybody to see, but the cold storage world of my emotional hellscape won’t allow it yet so I have to just keep imagining it until that damned spark finally re-lights my pilot light.
I certainly can’t afford to keep waiting around for the world to make the first move. For the world to show me some kind of reaction or indication or hell hostility to prove to me that what I emit is actually being received somewhere out there.
I have to just keep pumping out the content and gradually learning what the hell to do with it to get it seen and experienced.
With every video and every blog entry I get a little bit better. And I get a little bit closer to figuring this shit out, more or less.
I know that somewhere in the vast twisted forest of future possibilities lies a reality where my content catches on and I am able to make a decent living off it and become at least somewhat known.
I mean, you know, gentle readers, that on the one hand I want to be an internationally famous thinker and commentator and on the other hand I would be perfectly happy just having a small but dedicated community of fans with whom I could regularly have interesting and stimulating and maybe even productive conversations.
I swear those are a thing.
But my modest dreams can’t come true until I somehow manage to tunnel my way out of this cage of fools of mine and into the wider world.
And I guess that will happen when I am good n’ ready and not a moment before.
Until then, I just beaver away.
More after the break.
Oh crap, the vid!
Almost forgot all about it!
I did another snide subversive political piece.
I am happy with it. I think I made my point rather well, and in a way that gets behind enemy lines because superficially it’s praise.
I love how snarky I can be!
What about the rest?
I honestly don’t know what to do with the money I had earmarked for the power supply.
Guiltily, I have alreadys spend some of it on ordering in. I feel guilty about it because I had planned to spend that money on something of enduring value (the power supply) and here I am spending it on something as ephemeral as ordering in.
I try to convince my Taurus brain that there’s value in experiences too but it’s a very tough sell. We are Earth sign types and that orients us towards the literal.
Even flakey intellectual art fags like me.
I am pondering maybe getting a green screen. That could perk my videos right up. And I could have a heck of a lot of fun with one assuming I learn to use it to put myself in fantasy landscapes or on the moon or somesuch.
Maybe I could even do Ryan George style one man skits.
Like this one!
Unless, of course, it gets to the point where it can make a movie out of one of my scripts, in which case it will be, of course, brilliant.
We could already do it with things that are mostly dialogue. The acting would be terrible but you could get something or other that looks kind of like a movie.
AI voice, AI characters, limited palette of emotions/actions, no character interaction…. hmm… it could be done.
Maybe it isn’t as far away as I thought.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.