So another part of my life has gone FUBAR :
It’s been a looming disaster for a while, in retrospect. I had trouble in the past with the thing spontaneously connecting and disconnected from the smallest of fly farts in its general direction. So I saw this coming.
But what was I going to do about it? All I could do was soldier on.
That’s all I can ever do, just about. It’s my one great skill : keeping going.
Because God forbid something should actually force me off track (what track?) and make me sit still and deal with my problems and maybe even fix something.
No, I simply must keep going in my slow inexorable way, like a steamroller, mindlessly crushing everything in its path as it keeps going in the same direction forever.
I’ve had better metaphors.
Been trying to think, or feel, or hell sabotage my way through this barrier inside me that keeps me nailed to the floor and fixed in place and chained to this fucking treadmill so I can relive the same day over and over again.
New day, new creative outputs, same old habits and the same old bullshit.
I hope that some day, if I keep feeding energy to the deepest parts of myself in an attempt to jump start my life force like I am hotwiring a car, I will one day activate and wake up and be truly alive instead of living this half-dead existence all the time.
I seem like I’m here but I’m not really here. I am crouching in a bunker way down deep inside myself and piloting this clunky automata of a body of mine as I project a whole and healthy image of myself into the world that I only wish was the real me.
I would become Fruvous in a heartbeat, even if it meant being a four foot tall anthro fox in a world with no other “real” furries in it.
But then again, I am already Fruvous. Sorta kinda. He’s within me and it’s tempting to think that “becoming” him is just a matter of letting that part of me take over.
And maybe someday that will be possible. Or maybe it’s possible right now, in this very minute, and I am just too chickenshit to pull the trigger on it.
Sometimes I get the very strong urge to just throw myself off the metaphorical deep end somehow and force myself to adapt (in a healthy way) to the god damned real world for once in my god damned life.
I guess that’s my inner competent father figure longing to give me the short sharp shock that will make me snap out of this decades long daze and actually be alive for a change.
I am not against the idea. I know that sometimes that’s what will do you the most good : a shock to the system that wakes you up inside and makes you aware of yourself and your being a part of the world, even if it’s only to say, “Ow, that hurt!”.
I know that the words that have done me the most good in my life have made me really, really angry first.
Unfortunately, I am too old and infirm and impecunious to do something young and crazy like just move to a different city with no plan and no job so that I am forced to land on my feet and learn to cope.
I guess I could do something slightly similar on a subReddit. Go marching all in to some politics forum determined to seize territory and make myself known.
Put my thang down, nomsain?
More after the break.
We can’t say that word here
This is brilliant stuff.
Personally, I am sympathetic to the concerns and goals of Happyworkerism but I don’t think it has an actual plan for the economy that would work.
The one big advantage of capitalism is that it runs itself, mostly. The government provides the infrastructure and other support (like a stable currency) but the rest of it operates more or less on its own. No central plan needed.
It’s beautiful in that regard.
Too bad a lack of policing has let it get all fucked up.
One notch closer
I feel like I somehow got one degree closer to being a real live human being and not just a lifelike simulation of one today.
As often happens, it started off with me feeling awful. I felt terrible when I got out of bed to go to Wound Care this morning at 10:30 am. The slightest effort made me feel sweaty and sick, I felt like I weight a million pounds, and I had that ineffable feeling like somehow my soul was in a total eclipse leaving me bewildered in the dark.
But at some point today, I got better, and when that happened I realized that I now felt a bit more alive and robust and embodied and good.
So I guess my soul just had some shit it had to go through. I had reached the critical point at the bottom of my mood cycle where I shed the toxins and garbage I have filtered out of my soul’s waters and whilst the shedding is unpleasant, once that stuff is gone, my soul can bob back up higher than before without all that emotional detritus weighing it down.
And thus I make progress one dump truck load at a time.
And this time I didn’t even have to write a super depressing negative blog post or make a really dark video in order to get the bad stuff out.
Although I suppose bitching about the webcam served that function.
Oh, and the webcam suddenly started working again during Zoom. I will have to see if it will work with my video editing program tomorrow.
Because what the fuck ever, am I right?
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.