Otherwise known as “how to be seen”.
One thing that is not an option is to somehow gain the benefits of openness and vulnerability without becoming open and vulnerable.
That’s not possible. There’s just one route between our inner selves and the world and if you open it at all, you open in both ways.
And the only alternative is the hell of numbness, otherwise known as “turning the volume down on everything in order to escape the bad things”.
And then, as I have done, wondering why you feel so goddamn sad and lonely.
Because you’re starving, stupid. You have emotional anorexia and it’s making you refuse to eat rather than risk eating something that tastes bad.
And it’s shutting you off from the world as well. So you feel like you’re not even real, because that’s easier to take than feeling like it’s the world that isn’t real.
So you end up living a quietly miserable lifein a cold grey world all by yourself.
Welcome to my reality. But I am getting better. Feeling is slowly coming back to my long frozen mind and every day I not only reclaim more of my fear-frozen self from the forces of anti-life (efil?), the rate at which I do so increases a little bit.
Perhaps I will reach escape velocity some time soon, and be able to overcome the heavy pull of the void within enough to spark up my engines and GTFO of here.
Or maybe I will just keep living the same day over and over again with nothing really to show for them but my vids and my blog until the day of my tragically unimportant death.
You don’t understand. I could have been a contender.
Maybe that’s another kind of thinking I need to get rid of : thinking about all my wasted potential and what a tragedy it is that I have these massive gifts and yet I am stuck to the bottom of society’s shoe because of mental illness.
That’s all true, and legit, but maybe it’s still not a good way for me to be thinking. It wuld be one thing if I thought that those thoughts might lead to my somehow popping that enormous clog in my motivational system and liberating me, and I am not discounting the possibility of that working eventually, but in the meantime, I am repeatedly torturing myself in a way that I feel nullifies some of the progress it brings me.
I mean yeah, beating your head against a wall might break it some day, but only at the cost of leaving you a vegetable.
Far better is to learn to just stop hurting myself in the first place. And that means struggling with my eternal issue of how to vent my anger and other passionate emotions in a way that doesn’t hurt anybody.
Anybody who doesn’t deserve it, anyway.
It’s take it out on myself or put it into the world somehow. I would be far, far better off if I could find a way to burn off all my latent rage and excess mental energies, and I am working on it, but it’s going way too slow.
Hence my plan to try to use those energies to make myself happier and stronger. Redirect all available energies to the structural integrity field, Mister LaForge. If I can pull this off, it could elevate my life considerably.
It certainly will involve a lot of self-forgiveness. I need to dream up a way to look at my life that lets me find peace and contentment, not just distraction and entertainment.
I could do so much if I can just get out of my own way.
And maybe that’s what I am afraid of.
More after the break.
Fear of change
I have written before that if we have a fixed sense of self – that you are the exact person you are right now – then personal change becoming impossible because any change in ourselves would mean we become a totally different person and to a human being, that is tantamount to death.
It is a side effect of the forces that stabilize our sense of self in the first place. WIthout those forces, we would be quite insane. We need to have some idea of who we are if we are to have any basis for acting in the world.
It all starts (and ends) with you.
But I’ve come to the conclusion that there has to also be room for growth and that means room for change. If the sense of self is too rigid and curtailed, growth turns inward (where else could it go?) and the organism becomes choked up and compressed as that rigid self gets denser and more twisted and unhealthy.
And how does the individual respond to this painful condition? Why, by making their sense of self even more rigid and incapable of change in an attempt to get things “under control”, of course.
Maybe you’d be better off just letting yourself fall apart for a while. Stop trying to keep everything down and keep everything in and let it all emerge however it needs to emerge and worry about cleaning it all up afterwards.
I’ve known for quite a long time that I am keeping something or other in. Something I am deeply ashamed of and therefore something I am terrified of ever having emerge into the light where others can see it.
I can’t tell you what it is. It has an obvious digestive analog, but I don’t know what exactly is in me that I feel the need to keep down.
I suppose if I knew, that would mean it had come out. It might well be something I am so deeply ashamed of that my deeper mind hides it even from my conscious mind.
Whatever it is, it lies at the heart of my conviction that I am some kind of impossibly awful wretched, disgusting, pathetic, revolting thing that should hide from the world rather than inflict myself upon it.
It certainly feels like it’s attached to my being raped when I was 4, but it’s clearly more than just the memory that it happened because I’ve been fully and consciously aware of it for decades now.
So maybe it’s the actual memories of being so horribly violated that sit like a virulently infected tumour deep within my soul pumping out toxic pollutants that make me feel like every cell of me is soaked in junkyard runoff.
That bastard who raped me left me feeling forever broken and violated and polluted and I bet he never ever gave it a second thought.
I hope he died in pain.
God knows I will.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.