I have been playing a lot of a quirky and silly little title for the Wii called Little King’s Story lately, and it has been giving me monarchic thoughts. (Give me a game where I am a King with a castle and such, and all my latent control freak fantasies come out. )

And, seeing as the many worlds theory of quantum physics states, in part, that all things which are possible are, in fact, happening somewhere in some alternate universe, then I can safely assume that, no matter how massively improbable it is, some day, there will exist a future in which I have become king of the entire world, free to remake the entire of humanity’s sole home as I see fit and turn this globe of ours into my vision of paradise on Earth.

And if that is the case, some things are definitely going to change around here, people.

Here, then, is a partial list of the sorts of things I will change… in that future where I am king!

1. Actual Grammar Police. I’m not kidding. If I am king, language standards are definitely going to improve. People are getting away with a lot of abuse of the English Language these days, and if I am Large and In Charge, that’s got to end. There would be an actual police force comprised of tough-minded grammarians whose sole duty is to strongly encourage the proper use of the English language in all public arenas. But being a gentle king who knows this is pretty much his own petty obsession rather than a real actual Global Issue or anything, these police would be given only one weapon to use in their endless with against grammar crime : sarcasm. They would roam the streets and ruthlessly mock all bad signage and other public errors, and document it all on video, naming namings and laying blames. They would have no power to issue anything more than a non-binding citation, yet their powers of sarcasm would make them feared all over the world, and this fear alone would be enough to get people to stop using quotes for emphasis, make friends with the proper use of the apostrophe, and otherwise respect this wonderful language we speak by using it in a proper and logically consistent manner. A Public Fact Checking Bureau There would be an official government bureau in charge of establishing the truth about legitimately verifiable things. It would be fantastically conservative in what it was willing to declare true and have no other function that to provide both my government and the public a place to get reliable and objective information about things. It would be like factcheck.org combined with Wikipedia, but with a lot more funding and an official government mandate. It would not be in the enforcement business at all. People could still say and think whatever the hell they wanted without fear of consequences or reprisals. There would simply be one publicly accessible encyclopedic database which would be run by the most reliable, dutiful, serious, and above all boring people I could find which would contain the Official Truth, as best as it is possible to establish it through objective research and diligent fact gathering. And over time, hopefully, this public encyclopedia bureau would gain in reputation for objectivity, fairness, and trustworthyness, and thus truly fulfill its function as a repository of fact for such things for which objective truth can be derived.
2. Rock star scientists. My administration would be enthusiastically and wholeheartedly pro-science. I truly believe that science is capable of solving a lot of our problems, including the ones science itself caused (*cough* *global climate change* *cough cough*), and I would quite quickly organize concentrated scientific efforts to solve problems like world hunger and rising energy demand that would make the Manhattan Project look like a lazy brunch meeting of first year science students. The stakes are high and we cannot afford to put anything less than our full effort into these problems. And luckily, as king, I would be able to put these things into action without having to listen to or placate the dozens of well-funded industry special interest groups who hold sway over modern politicians. Do it because I say so, and I don’t give the tiniest and most diarrhetic of shits what it does to your profits. I don’t care if it puts you out of business. I’ll hire your staff, pay them better, and put them to work on something that helps humanity for a change. I get the feeling they might well thank me for it.
   

Those are just some of the many ideas I will implement in that heady future somewhere in the skein of reality where I become king of the world.

It won’t happen here, but it will happen somewhere! Quantum physics says so, honest!