No really, it is!
Today, I decided it was time to show you some of the weird stuff you can find on the Internet.
Don’t ask me where I found these links, it’s a long and boring tale. Let’s just say I know a lot of interesting people online, and they share things with me sometimes.
In order to keep things from getting too intense, though, I will also space out the weird products with some messed up pics.
After all, you can’t live on weird Internet products alone! You need some roughage in your diet or all these weird dishes will just make you ill.
So let’s start with something funny.
Single Gay Man
The awful truth!
Yes, it’s true. People have all kids of ideas about what we homosexual types get up to, and yes, some of us are really like that. Stereotypes always have some basis in truth. At one point, a lot of black people really did eat fried chicken and watermelon. (Fried chicken because frying chicken made low-grade chicken taste better, and watermelon because they were easy to grow in the South. )
But a lot of us are nothing like that. I have never been to a gay dance club in my life. I hate night clubs and dance clubs. I know very little about fashion, although I have a very sharp sense of aesthetics. So I might be able to help you pick out an outfit, if I must, but don’t ask me what is “in” or “out” this season. I have no idea and what’s more, I don’t care.
Plus I am not kinky at all. All that “Master and Servant” stuff leaves me cold. The clothing looks sort of cool, but my idea of romance is warm and cuddly and intimate, not mean and nasty and violent.
What can I say, I have a sunshiny libido. Go fig.
Well, that was nice, but now it’s time for the weird stuff.
Looking for the perfect gift for the really, really, REALLY weird person on your list?
How about a big bag of raccoon dicks from Skulls Unlimited? [1]
Well, technically, not the entire penis. That would be gross!
Just the penis bone, otherwise known as the os penis or the bacula. But for the low low price, considering, of $39.99 (plus shipping and handling, and what a fun shipping department Skulls Unlimited must have), you can be the proud owner of 50, count them, 50 raccoon pecker bones.
It would make the perfect gift for the budding serial killer on your shopping list. He will love using them to decorate his secret necropolis.
The description is short, but packed with mystery.
Each bag contains 50+ second quality raccoon bacula (penis bones). Suitable for art and craft projects. Limited Quantity.
Second quality? You mean there are even better raccoon pecker bones out there? What, pray tell, are the criterion here? Is it just a matter of size, or do the first quality ones come from raccoon Don Juans?
And “suitable” for arts and crafts projects? Define “suitable” here for me. Is it like “collectable”? You know, a meaningless word that somehow conveys a sense of false value?
And you bet the supplied are limited. I am not entirely sure where they are getting these things in the first place (roadkill?) but I can’t imagine they have enormous warehouses full of the things. [2]
But why stop at decoration? Why not use them as toothpicks for hors d’ouvres?
Oh right. Because that would be horrible.
But hey, if it’s going to be that kind of party, why not also go for this innovative way to serve your guests some colorful candies?
The pic is kinda NSFW, so you will have to click it to see it.
Oh, and heterosexuality alert! It involves a naked-ish lady.
Want some candy? Or some Candy? Click to enlarge.
I like this image. Candy has a very powerful place in the zeitgeist, as does sex, obviously, and this picture is, I think, a quite inspired union of the two.
Plus, I can totally see this being taped to the wall of Willy Wonka’s bathroom.
Finally, the piece de resistance of today’s offering, a product guaranteed to make your skin crawl and your children squeal with glee, called Squishy Baff.
This here video clip gives you the idea.
Finally, a product to turn nice harmless innocent bath water into a horrifying, disgusting, squishy, slimy, eyeball raping goo sure to make you want to lose your lunch.
Seriously, I shudder when I watch that video. I am sure the kids would love it, I want to make that clear. But to me, it’s nightmare fuel. It looks positively horrifying and my skin crawls when I try to imagine what it feels like to be in it.
And not to be gross or anything, but imagine just where that stuff is going to end up in a bathtub with active, wriggling kids in it.
Then imagine seeing it coming out again. That could scar a parent or caretaker for lift. Especially the red variety… that would be especially ghastly.
Bet it would keep coming out for days, too, if my experience with sand from the beach as a wee child is anything to go by.
Still, if the kids love it, it would be worth it. Probably. I guess.
Seriously, though. I don’t know about you folks, but I find this Squishy Baff stuff even more disturbing than a bag of raccoon peckers.
After all, bones are just bones. A little gruesome, granted, but they are clean and dry and perfectly harmless. They are just interestingly shaped calcium now.
Squishy Baff, on the other hand, is a visceral nightmare offense against all sense of decency or restraint. It makes me fear the future.
Granted, I might be unique in that.