Welcome back to that cozy little spot in your week, the Friday Science Thing, where in a friendly, intimate atmosphere, our attractive and supple serving staff serve a top chef quality tasting menu of the latest scientific dishes, appetizingly plated with only the choicest cutlets of semi-informed commentary and a light dusting of sarcasm, all at the low low price of absolutely free. No refund.

It’s been a bit of a slow week for really hot science stories, but there’s still plenty of meat on the bones of science for us to devour.

I had better make with the science before this metaphor kills me.

Say It With Neutrinos

Scientists at CERN have recently managed to use those highly elusive particles known as neutrinos to send a message through 780 feet of solid bedrock.

I am not sure what to think of the message they sent, which consisted of a single word : NEUTRINO.

That is either the most pathetically unimaginative message imaginable to send via billions of dollars of the highest tech in the world, or a brilliantly minimalist and ironic commentary on the reductive nature of science. I really can’t decide.

I would have gone with “HELLO WORLD” but that’s just me.

But it’s not like the content of the message was important. Nor is this a particularly practical way to text someone yet. It took a massive particle accelerator harnessing enormous amounts of energy to send the message, and the rather extraordinary MINERvA neutrino detector to receive it, so don’t expect it to replace your trusty SMS text messaging any time real soon.

But that was not the point. The point was proof of concept, proving that it could, indeed, be done, and that it did marvelously well. And neutrinos pass through almost everything without effect, so who knows? Maybe we will use it for interplanetary communication some day.

Darmok and Jalad at Tanagara

Microsoft is talking about making something from Star Trek come to life : the Universal Translator.

Well, sort of. It would really just be an integration of three existing technologies : speech to text (like Apple’s SIRI can do, translating spoken word to text via computer), “mechanical” translation software (like Google Translate), and text to speech so that the computer speaks the translated words.

All that Microsoft would be doing is integrating that into one piece of software, plus they are saying their text to speech software would preserve your timbre, intonation, and even sort of sound like you when it spoke in the new language.

That seems like some serious lily gilding to me. To me, it would be perfectly fine if the computer’s voice did not sound perfectly like me, as long as the person I am “talking” with understands me. And I am positive a lot of that does not translate into other languages anyhow.

And like with all speech to text these days, you will have to spend an hour of your time “training” the software to your voice. And trust me, an hour might not sound like a lot, but that’s an hour of some seriously tedious activity.

Plus, remember, this is Microsoft talking, and they talk a lot of crap. Oh, they mean it when they say it, they are just not very realistic about what they actually can pull off, and so you learn to take their grand pronouncements of future technologies with a hefty grain of salt.

That’s not to say what they are promising is impossible. It is all quite possible, and I am sure someone will do it in the near future.

It just probably won’t be Microsoft. Although they will likely come out with a sad clone of the product that actually works, a year after the good one comes out.

One Click Crime Reporting

And the best part is, that click is the click of your cell phone camera.

West Virginia is going to try out a crime reporting app that lets people take a picture of something they think is a crime, have it automatically tagged via GPS with the location and time, and uploaded to the authorities, all with one click.

I know, I know. It’s sort of creepy. I imagine it makes a lot of people instantly think of the whole atmosphere of mistrust and betrayal that marked the height of the Cold War on all sides.

And the article raises the specter of this being used by vindictive neighbours and police departments being swamped with minor concerns.

But my point of view is this : if you don’t want to get caught doing something illegal, don’t do anything illegal. Nobody has the right to get away with crime, even on the small stuff. I totally believe in the panopticon within the context of a modern society.

Every crime should be punished. The fact that we can’t currently do that is a matter of imperfect efficiency in law enforcement. Anything that improves that efficiency is welcomed by me.

And wouldn’t you just love to be able to instantly report someone’s illegally parking in front of your house, or catching someone in the act of littering or letting their dog crap anywhere they please? One well lined up photo, and the cops have all the evidence they need.

I do not have a problem with that. Sure, people will complain about being “spied on” and bring up Big Brother a lot, but the truth is, they are just angry they got caught.

And I have no sympathy for that. Don’t want to get caught? Don’t do it!

End of File

Well, that’s it for the science news for this week. Nothing really super exciting or game changing, but lots of interesting items nevertheless.

Come back this time next week, when we will be serving a heaping helping of brand new and super savoury science dishes sure to brighten your day as they dazzle your palate.

I hope you enjoyed your meal here, and please note that a fifteen percent gratuity has, for your convenience, already been added to your bill.

Bone a petite.