You know your life has reached a new level of absurdity when you can’t even seem to decide whether you are sleepy or not.

I am serious, I am in a state right now best described as suspended exactly between sleepy and awake. And by that, I do not mean half-sleepy, sort of sleepy, or anything normal like that.

What I mean is that half of me is very, very sleepy, and the other half is not sleepy at all.

At this point, I would much rather be asleep all afternoon and waking up in the usual puddle of flop sweat than be in this maddening half state. I am getting all the pain and distraction and difficulty of being sleepy without the promise of sleep to make it worthwhile.

Because I can’t sleep. Trust me… I tried. But I just could not fall asleep. And I don’t know why. My usual reasons, like my feet are cold or I have too much caffeine in my system, do not apply. It’s too warm a day for cold feet, and I have not had any caff since Friday night. Surely I have metabolized all of it by now.

I suppose it could be worry keeping me awake. I had a mishap with my cheque recently that has me worried and feeling stupid, and that is likely acting as a psychological burr under my saddle.

See, when I took my monthly cheque, the cheque upon which everything depends as my sole source of income, out of the envelope this month, I tore it a little bit. I guess I was a tad too eager to get at the cheque inside and was not careful when I ripped open the envelope, resulting in a rip on the right hand edge of the check.

The rip went down about halfway down the check, and was not even an inch from the right edge.

I did not think much of it. Rips do not matter much on checks. It is not like a tear on a check lets all the magic money powder drain out or anything. So I just stuck the cheque in my wallet, and did not give it any more thought.

But then, when I went to cash the cheque on Friday night, I found that the section of the cheque between the rip and the right hand edge was just plain gone. Somehow, the rip continued and that part of the cheque detached and, as far as I can tell, vanished from this world.

Because I can’t find the damned thing anywhere.

And it makes no damn sense. It had to either detach while it was in between the envelope and the wallet, in which case it should be right here in my room, or detach while in my wallet, in which case the missing piece would still be in my wallet.

But I can’t find it either place. I suppose there is a tiny possibility that it detached while in my wallet then somehow fell out, but that seems highly unlikely.

But then where the hell is it??

And without it, I am going to have to go to the social assistance office and get them to cancel the old check and issue a new one, and lord knows how long that will take, and how much hassle, not to mention the sheer humiliation of having to go to the office and confess what a fucking doofus I am, not even able to take a check out of an envelope properly without fucking it up.

If I found the missing piece, I could just tape them back together and cash it that way. But no. The missing piece is gone forever, or more likely, gone till I don’t need it any more then back to mock me by being in some really obvious place.

Like in said wallet, for instance.

So that is probably what is bugging me and making it hard to sleep. I think the suddenness of the discovery of the problem, plus its public nature, made the whole thing especially traumatic.

I mean, I was right there in front of the Money Mart lady when I found out. I even handed her the broken cheque before realizing there was a piece missing, and pathetically begged her to cash it anyhow.

But the portion missing has one of the two amount values on it, and you need both for a cheque to be legal. I do not blame her for turning me down. The bank would have rejected it and then Money Mart, and her as their employee, would have been on the hook for the dough.

That is too much to expect from a stranger.

But the sudden public humiliation coupled with sudden doubt about my financial future as well as my just not handling the unexpected very well probably all contributed to my worry and stress and depression over the whole thing.

Holy crap…. then again, never give up! I just did one last desperate search of my environs, and low and behold, here is the missing fragment of cheque!

This is one of those moments in life that I feel should be accompanied by the Legend of Zelda “Just got something!” sound effect.

So phew, I will just cash la cheque when I go out for dinner tonight, and all will once more be right with this world, and I can relax.

Now to firmly cement this lack of catastrophe in my mind in order to remind myself that sometimes things work out, and the worst possible outcome is not guaranteed, and life is not so harsh, especially if you can develop a little resiliency and optimism.

And now that the issue is resolved, I suddenly feel all calm and relaxed and sleepy!

Well what do you know about that?

Time for me to take advantage of this pleasant spring day…. and take a nap!

See you later, faithful readers. thanks for helping me talk myself through a crisis!