Hokey dokey, I am slightly pressed for time, my blood sugar is in flux, and I am recovering from some of that deep dark sleep of which I am so very fond, so today’s diary entry might just be a little bitty bit more incoherent than usual.

And they said it couldn’t be done.

Laid down for a nap (I know, naughty boy, I am back napping again) at around 4 in the PM, woke up, felt kinda hungry, figured it must be a little past supper time so I should probably go eat, sat up, looked at the clock, and it was 9:30 PM and I was feeling the effects of tragically low blood sugar and I was just a little bit more than kinda hungry.

In fact, my body was raging for food like an abandoned infant.

On the other hand, at least I got like five hours or so of pretty good quality sleep. I mean, it was sweaty and unsettled and soaked in dreams, but it was still fives hours in a row of it and I feel like that was enough for me to get some of that deep restorative sleep that does such good for a person.

You know, apart from the whole “every cell of my body screaming for food” part of it.

Dreams, well, let’s see. I know that at some point, I was somehow responsible for a study that proved it was fine to let people bring their dogs into the hospital with them, whether they were patients or staff, and when the results were approved by the hospital’s administrator, everybody cheered and, movie-like, immediately brought like a dozen dogs of various breeds into the hospital’s common area. I got to pet some of them, which I guess made it all worth it.

Then things get even more confusing, because then I had to rush off to class, because I had somehow ended up in some kind of program where they thought I was a veterinarian because I had made the mistake of saying I had “some veterinary experience” (?) when being interviewed (??!). But as a token of appreciation for my work with the dogs, I had been given a bag of various things to feed the dogs that would now be free to roam the halls of the hospital, and so when the lesson was over, I eagerly opened it and took out its various contents.

As it turns out, it was all various hunks of fish, and then I felt silly for taking it all out onto my desk and taking it out of the wrapping the process, so now I had to just pile it back into the bag crudely by hand and get my hands all dirty and fishy smelling in the process.

Also, I was a little sad that all the dogs would be gone by now (apparently, they put the cur in “curfew”), but then a cute scrappy little Scottie dog came in and said “Och, Captain, I cannae give it any more power, or she’ll blow!”.

OK, not really. I just fed the Scottie a bit of fish, or tried to, but I was having one of those moments when you want to feed the animal, and the animal quite fervently wants the food, but somehow the whole “throwing a scrap to the dog” thing is just plain not working out. You throw the scrap and the dog just blinks and stares at you with that happy dumb dog look.

And you want to say “Look, I am going to do this again. This time, track the object I toss, because it is food and therefore very important to you. I mean, get your priorities straight. ”

But there is no point, as they will just keeping giving you the dumb doggy look, as it has worked for them in the past, quite well in fact, and this is no time to stop backing a winner.

That is around where that dream train pulled into the station. I do not remember anything past trying to feed the cute little Scottie dog.

So then I woke up, staggered into the kitchen, got some food together, and so on. The usual “oh geeze better go save my life” routine. Sad that this has become routine for me, is it not?

Oh ho hum, another incident of zombie blood sugar panic, snatching myself from the jaws of death by stuffing my face and going through a whole weird mind trip in the process. I wonder which set of TED talks I should watch next?

Otherwise, not a lot going on. Nice boring Saturday. I am glad I finally got some decent sleep, and look forward to getting more when I am done here. I had been having trouble sleeping lately, all restless and tense and overstimulated and so on, and so before I slept this afternoon, I made sure to do some light exercise just to get my body moving and my muscles stretched, and I think that is what did the trick.

Still took me a while to get to sleep, but when I got there, I slept long and well. I am going to try to hold on to this lesson and try to learn from it. Depression creates a powerful anti-action and anti-effort bias in the mind, which makes it hard to believe that anything but the most instantly rewarding activities are worth investing one’s energies into, but I think I can wrap my brain around the idea that if I exercise, it will help discharge pent up bodily energies from mental overstimulation, and then I will be able to relax and sleep better, and then, guess what?

Have more energy, and most importantly more emotional coping energy.

And that makes for a happier me. I am become convinced that mood requires energy, that a healthy mind has a healthy energy budget for coping and depressives lack said systems.

We think something has to make us happy.

And it had better be something big.

Otherwise, we would be happy with very little, and not be able to hold out for more!

Better to be miserable than to have the universe think we are cheap!