This mixing in links and pics and stuff with my usual psychotic ramblings might be becoming a habit. Why is is that no matter how much I try to avoid the restrictions of regular features so that I can always write whatever I feel that day, I always seem to fall into habits anyhow?
It is like they crystallize out of the rich and complex primordial stew that is my brain and its constant Brownian motion without my even having to will it. In fact, it would probably be nearly impossible to keep order from spontaneously occurring even if I tried really hard.
That is just how creativity works, or at least, how mine does. Everything that comes in gets broken down, dissolved, and absorbed into the mix, and then subjected to constant mixing and remixing by the metaconscious processing layers, until something becomes big enough to be caught my the various strainers constantly straining/stirring the broth, in which case it is brought up into the consciousness (sometimes at exactly the wrong moment) and if it is good enough, it gets used somewhere.
If not, it goes right back into the soup.
All kinda gross sounding, admittedly, but that is how I roll.
Meanwhile, here is something to make you lose sleep at night.
Sorry for any resulting nightmares, but the pic was just so hilariously disturbing that I had to share it. Just had to do it. Felt oddly compelled.
(Help Gary Busey In My Mind Please Help Must Regain Control Of Aaaaaaaargh)
Today has been better than yesterday. I still do not feel wonderful but I feel better than I did before. Maybe I gained some psychological insight by writing out all my pain and badness and despair. Or maybe I am just riding the high from the emotional release. Yay catharsis! Catharsis rules.
Or maybe this is all just the random effects of cosmic radiation on my neurotransmitters and I have no more input into how I will feel in the future than a cockroach has on the orbit of Mars.
Depression sure as hell feel like that sometimes. Like you have no power in the world, or at least, no power over the only thing that truly matter, whether or not you will be happy or sad. When you think about it, everything we do is an attempt to control that single variable, the one where the positive numbers are happiness and the negative numbers are misery.
And us depressive, we feel like we have no control over that variable, and that someone has their finger on the scale and is pressing hard towards those negative numbers. Like we have this huge heavy weight that we carry around that nobody else can see and that keeps us down down down in the negative hundreds while other people rarely ever see a number below +10.
And they can’t understand why what works for them can’t work for us.
Of course, in a sense, that weight is real. It represents the neurochemical reality of the disease known as depression. With our screwed up serotonin levels (as well as other neurotransmitter levels), we are truly, physically, chemically less able to be happy than others.
That is why the modern era of antidepressants has been so important to the treatment of depression. The SSRI drugs help fix the chemical situation, and only then can you hope to treat the psychological disorder caused by it.
Depression can make it feel like you are falling, always falling, falling in slow motion…. kind of like this little science trick.
OK, not the best segue ever, but whatever.
Pretty nifty effect, huh? Means the magnetic pull of the magnet is so strong that it can partly overcome the strong pull of gravity on what is basically a huge cylinder of metal, when given a ferrous (copper) cylinder to fall through.
Looks like magic, but is just extremely visually awesome science.
Sometimes I wish dealing with my depression was as simple as stepping into a magnetic field that gently aligned all my particles so they worked in harmony with one another, and changed all my negatives into positive, and grounded out all this crazy energy I have inside me so I can be happy, calm, neutrally charged, and solid.
Instead, I often feel like there is a powerful electrical storm inside me at all times, with high winds, massive waves, and me lost in the fracas somewhere, drowning.
I know that the solution is for more of that energy to escape my tiny pocket dimension of a soul and flow into the world. But that is harder than it sounds. I get the feeling that I have achieved what fragile equilibrium I have inside me by pitting the various energies against one another in a kind of high energy stasis, and so releasing any of it releases a lot more of it into my inner weather system, and only makes things worse in the medium term.
But in the long term, of course, I am far better off. So I continue to seek sweet, sweet catharsis. If I coudl let it all out in one big ring explosion, I would, and deal with the consequences after.
Speaking of before and after…
I am not a cell phone user myself, but this comic bears the ring of truth to me.
So in conclusion, today feels better than yesterday, and hopefully, tomorrow will feel better than today. I still do now know how one psychologically adjusts to a fundamental lack of stability in one’s inner world, but I get the feeling it involves an awful lot of letting go and learning to just take things as they come, without expectation, prediction, or attempting to control everything.
You cannot control the ocean, the weather, the waves, or the reefs.
You can only steer your boat as best as you can.