The battle continues. Spent most of today asleep, after staying up until around 7 am or so. And I probably had a choice in the matter, at least for some of that sleep.

But I slept the day away, and now I am here wondering what the hell I am doing with my life.

There has to be thing I could do to keep myself awake and interested in the world. I want to do that just for health reasons. I want to stay up all day and sleep at night, like regular people. I have a strong feeling that getting my life to follow a more natural cycle would do wonders for my health, both physical and emotional. I think a normal sleep cycle would help a lot with my sense of well-being, which is of course the foundation of mood, even more than the oft vaunted self-esteem.

I would feel better if I felt healthier. Stronger, more robust, more physically secure. Fewer little pains and aches to keep me always feeling like I am doing something wrong and being punished for it.

That has got to be toxic to the self-esteem. I want a healthier life so I will feel better in my skin, in my self. But I can only pursue it in my usual sideways stumbling way.

Beats no progress at all, I suppose. But sometimes I grow very frustrated with all this indirection and long to be able to just set a firm goal and head directly for it in a straight line.

But not to be too cute about it, but I can’t seem to do anything straight. I was born bent and have to do everything crooked as a result.

Oh well. I get somewhere eventually, sort of.

One good thing in my sad little life : I finally got around to making actual classic cornbread in the bread machine recently, and the stuff is phenomenal.

Moist, soft, delicate, sweet, and with the most amazing crust… thin and crisp and tasty, almost like a crepe or a simple pastry. I think it is my favorite of all the breads I have made. It’s nothing like any other cornbread I have ever had, but at this point, I do not care.

I will likely make it again when it runs out, which I have not done with any other of the breads. That is how good the stuff is, I swear.

I think the secret is in how the egg and the cornmeal interact. Plus, there is just a little honey in it, enough to make it a little sweet. In fact, the body of the bread tastes just a little like French Toast, which I think is pretty kewl.

So that is one little personal project that has turned out quite well. An excellent end to the little saga of having to first find the corn meal, then make the semi-failed Anadama bread that turns out to be pretty much just molasses bread (wrong kind of sweet), then finally get the eggs to make cornbread, then being too busy with other things to make the cornbread, then finally making it.

And it’s quite boffo!

Other than that, nothing much up in my sad little life. Got a game for the Wii currently but it is pretty dull so I will likely pop it in the envelope and send it right back. Just endless dungeon grinding, and I am so sick of that crap.

In fact, Facebook games have spoiled me. I need constant stimulation and variety now, or I can’t be bothered. From this point on, I will stick to Wii games that are more action oriented than the one I have got now. That is still something I can’t get from a Flash game on Facebook.

Maybe get a fighting game next, or at least something with lots of violence. What can I say, I have a need to pound the hell out of evil things. Even a pasty white fat nerd like me feels the urge towards combat and violence and whatnot.

Maybe that is a male thing, maybe it is a human thing. But I am pretty sure it is built-in.

We are just lucky that we have a culture that provides us with so many ways to satisfy those urges in a socially benign way. Sports, violent vengeful movies, highly competitive video games, all the various forms of adventure, good versus evil type television shows.

They all help us poor testosterone soaked males scratch that anti-social itch that would otherwise lead us to look for someone or something to test ourselves against amongst out fellow humans, and it would not be pretty. I doubt civilization would survive.

It would be warlords and anarchy pretty soon.

But oh well. That is not going to happen any time soon… or at least, not directly. I do worry that what I call testosterone poisoning will yet lead civilization into oblivion, which is why I am such a strong supporter of women being involved more and more in things like political negotiations and police work.

Not that I am naive enough to think that a world run by women would be a world without war. I can see how someone might get that idea, but women have their demons and their darkness too. Both genders have their madness. Neither is safe without the other.

But as the world is now, men are still in control, especially outside the modern world, and it leads to war and pain and death and blood, and if there was enough female influence to balance things out, I bet we could get a handle on a lot of the problems that come from full-grown men acting like teenage gang leaders but with real guns and real soldiers and real rape and everything.

Women bring a different perspective, often an admirably pragmatic and sensible and compassionate one.

We could use a lot more of that in the world, don’t you think?