(Writer’s note : everything said in this piece is directed towards myself. Any similarity to other people, living, dead, or just friends, is entirely coincidental and I regret any offense given. )

No big surprise, but I did not end up going to the baby shower I talked about yesterday.

I just could not do it. I could not make myself go. Too many unknowns, too much fear, too much uncertainty. It was no great social faux pas, because it is not like I had RSVP’d and hence been expected. The invitation was for all us here in Nerdvana. I am pretty sure they were not surprised that I did not attend.

If I had been expected, that might have been enough to make me go. I take obligations very seriously and I cannot stand to let people down. If I had thought to RSVP with sufficient lead time for me to process the idea and get comfortable with it, I probably would have gone.

I can’s stand to disappoint people. I know how badly I take that kind of thing. It just crushes me to have something I was looking forward to disappear on me. Even if it is something as simple as a recipe not working or a friend having to cancel hanging out at the last minute, it hits me really hard. And so, by the principal of projecting empathy, I cannot stand the thought of doing that to someone else.

That is even why I hate to be late to anything. I can’t stand the thought of someone sitting there, waiting, uncertain, not know when I will show up. I hate it when people do it to me, and so I make sure I don’t do it to others.

I suppose you might call that basic consideration, or that Golden Rule “do unto others” thing.

But as it was, I did not go. And the tricky part now is to avoid the enormous burden of self-loathing that normally descends upon me when I make these sorts of fear-avoidance decisions.

I can hear the voices of self-reproach trying desperately to get into my mind. Keeping them at bay is an ongoing and arduous task. I am still getting used to this whole “avoiding the self loathing” thing, so the muscles and skills for it are still weak and uncoordinated. And it is so tempting to just let go and let nature take its course like it has so many times before.

But that would just be perpetuating the cycle. It is the very acts of self-loathing and self-attack that render you too weak to do anything about your problems. Only by stopping the cycle of self-abuse, by disabling the torturer inside, do you stand a chance of growing strong enough for long enough that you can get up off the rack and walk out that wide open prison door, out of the darkness and into the light.

And that is what you want, right? But you will have to leave that big wet cold security blanket behind. You will have to feel and grow and adapt. You will have to experience things, And there is a very strong chance that this will mean you will have to grow up.

So maybe that hard cold cell and the torturer’s whip do not seem so bad now. Maybe this rotten old cell has been protecting you all these years, and until you are willing to forego its protection, you will never escape it.

And the truth is, you don’t really want to escape. Otherwise you could have walked out of here decades ago. This whole setup is all your design, a closed system to protect you from the outer world and shut out all the noise and confusion that comes with facing reality.

The truth is that you are an acorn who refuses to grow into a tree. You are a tadpole that does no want to become a frog. Because that kind of transformation frightens you. You know who you are and what to expect as a tadpole. Who knows what life as a frog would be like? It looks scary and it could be much much worse than what you have now. Too many unknowns! And you are too smart to step on the path without knowing exactly where it leads, in detail, and with the option to quit at any time with no penalty.

So what if you are still a tiny tadpole when all the other tadpoles have grown up to be big, strapping frogs, gotten married, have lily pads and tadpoles on their own, and seem a lot happier than you.

You would never fall for all that normal stuff. After all, you have your pride. Your integrity. And most precious of all, your identity.

And after all, you are so damned smart!

And really, what is peace of mind, happiness, fulfillment, meaning, emotional richness, and accomplishment compared with knowing how smart you are and how you are always right?

And never, ever, ever having to grow up and change who you are one tiny bit?

And after all, you are too damned smart to face the unknown at all, ever. Better to suffer the torments of Hell than take absolutely any risks whatsoever or invest any effort into anything that does not pay off instantly.

Even if all it took to escape Hell was to get up and open the door, that would be too much of a risk of wasted effort for you. And after all, we have already established that you do not really want to leave anyhow, haven’t we?

Of course, you will still complain bitterly about how horrible life is in your self-imposed prison. You will paint yourself as a tragic victim of circumstances, but really, you are your own jailer.

You lock yourself away to acoid the day when you have to face adulthood and possible actually have to change as a person, and even grow up.

And that is the worst thing imaginable to you. You would rather die than face personal change. You want everything to change without anything changing.

So in conclusion… I guess the self-loathing thing sort of happened anyhow. Damn.